Blog For Choice Day

Today is the 40th anniversary of the landmark decision in Roe v Wade. In honor of this anniversary, it is national Blog for Choice Day. So, here is my blog for choice...

I spent my entire life being pro-choice for America and pro-life for myself. In fact, my mom tells me that as a teenager I told her that if I ever got pregnant I'd keep the baby. To this she replied, "then you better not get pregnant while you're living in this house 'cause I'm done raising babies." That pro-life mentality stayed with me through college as I worked to achieve my goal of becoming the first college graduate in my family. I was educated and took care of myself as a woman. (Side note, without Planned Parenthood I would not have received women specific health care in college. So, thank you PP.)

I considered myself pro-life until September 2, 2011 when I was presented with the most devastating news I ever hope to hear. My much wanted, already much loved baby was not going to survive the pregnancy; I had a CHOICE to make. Together with my doctor and my husband, and through a broken heart and many tears, I made the choice to terminate my pregnancy. I experienced so many emotions related to the news, our decision, and the aftermath of our decision that my head was spinning. Sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, relief, and everything in between, I felt it all. The bottom line is, I felt it. My husband felt it. Our family and friends felt it. Strangers did not.

So, when strangers react to my blogs and posts with hateful comments and aggressive name-calling, I can only shake my head. I've been called some pretty heinous names and have had some pretty heated debates. I've been ridiculed and judged, even by loved ones, and have been offended on way too many occasions. It used to really bother me because I felt like no one was listening. I'm not the uneducated, unwed, unemployed, abortion addict that pro-life extremists like to pretend that I am. I am one class away from finishing my Master's degree. I have been with the same man for 10-1/2 years and we've been married for 4-1/2. I wake up every morning and commute to a full-time job where I work 50+ hours per week. I've never been arrested and take pride in my volunteer work. I come home to a house that I own and cherish quiet nights at home with my family and friends. I am not the embodiment of evil that many like to accuse me of being. I am a woman who was faced with a very difficult situation and who was lucky enough to have the strength, knowledge, courage, support, and freedom to make the choice that was right for her family.

We all have the right to our opinions; I don't want to take that freedom away from anyone. With that said, NO ONE has the right to judge anyone for their personal decisions, decisions that have zero impact on anyone outside the family making that choice. You don't get to make me feel bad for choosing my own path without also having the compassion to listen to the why behind our decision. I'm not asking you to agree with me; I'm just asking you to listen with an open-mind.

While I have always been politically active and passionate, the debate over women's rights has suddenly became much more personal and much more important to me. I decided to share our story because I don't want any woman to feel alone in her pain. I don't want women to feel shamed into silence. I want to remind extremists that not every abortion is a result of promiscuity to get rid of an unwanted baby. There is a whole other side to this debate and that side needs to be heard. If I have to tell our story in a million ways a million times on a million forums, I will. I pledge this commitment to women everywhere who have ever been judged, silenced, or shamed for their decisions. You are not now, nor will you ever be, alone.

Another New Chapter...

I was going to blog tonight about how sick I am of being told I'm different. The blog was going to be about how many people tell me "your story is different" in terms of the abortion debate. No, I'm not one of the disgusting human beings that uses abortion as a form of birth control. Those women should be spayed. But, in the debate as it stands today, I'm not different. If you take away the right to choose you take away the right of women like me everywhere. Yes, the issue needs to be discussed and stories like ours need to be told AND HEARD. K, enough about that...this blog is taking a different direction.

So, our doctor called tonight. She received the results of the baby's tests and it looks like it was the same issue as last year. Baby no. 2 had full triploidy. Hubby isn't convinced that baby no. 1 had it and is going to call the surgeon from last year tomorrow. I'm about 110% sure that it was full triploidy and that hubby must have been listening with his man ears when we received those results. But, I understand his need to be sure so I encourage his call tomorrow.

Full triploidy is rare in its first occurrence. Our chance at having another baby with the same issue was no greater than a woman that had no pregnancies with baby's with genetic abnormalities. (ps- That is the ugliest term!) Supposedly it's all just "a freak accident" and "purely bad luck." Yeah yeah yeah..... I am doing my best to stay away from the Internet right now. I don't want Dr. Google to tell me ANYTHING so I'm just steering clear. That's why I'm here and why you have something to read right now. (Thanks, by the way.)

In February of 2011 I went for Jewish Genetic Counseling at the Victor Center. My mom is your typical Jewish mother and needed me to go for her own piece of mind. I went for her and 18 out of the 19 tests came back negative. My Tay-Sachs test was inconclusive so as a result of this latest pregnancy issue, hubby has to go get tested. I'm not too worried about that because my mom was not a carrier and the chance that I am is slim. The chance that hubby is a carrier is probably even more slim, which means the chance we're both carries (and could pass the disease on to a baby) is even more slim. But hey, we've beat slim odds before so who freakin' knows. In addition to having hubby tested to see if he's a Tay-Sachs carrier, we also have to go for "preconception genetic counseling." I'm trying not to freak out but it's hard. We've only had the news for about 2 hours now and I've already shed a shit ton of tears. (I truly believe that tears are natures way of cleansing the soul so if you need to cry....CRY!)

Your first thought when you hear that there could be issues with your genetics is, naturally, to ask "why me." You immediately think of the worst case scenario and pull the "it's not fair" card. You think about all of the people to which you think life comes easy. You think about all of the women you've watched get pregnant and go on to have healthy babies who don't really "deserve" to be moms. (This is not to say I wish pain or heartache on anyone at all. I'm just being honest about the emotions and feelings that come with the situation that hubby and I are facing.) You start thinking about what you did to deserve this. It's all irrational but it's all okay to feel and you HAVE to let yourself feel every emotion. I know life isn't fair but I'm allowed to be mad, and jealous, and resentful, and sad, and confused. I'm also allowed to say it all out loud and let my feelings happen. I've had to work hard for everything I have in my life. Statistics say I should be everything that I'm not: a drop out, uneducated, unemployed, on welfare, etc. I've fought hard to get where I am today and once, just once, I want something in life to come easy and just go the right way. I want it to be this.

I'm not one for self-pity and I try not to feel sorry for myself. I really do believe that we're given only what we can handle. (Even though I believe that G-d and I sometimes have different parameters for what my limits actually are.) With that said, I do feel lucky in so many ways. Though we're embarking on another scary chapter in what has been a tragic story, I do have a lot of really wonderful things in my life. There are a lot of things that have gone "right" and I'm thankful for each one. Hands down, I have the best husband in the entire world. Secondly, my mom is the most extraordinary woman I know and I am very lucky that I am the one that gets to call her mommy. Lastly, my friends are the most wonderful family I could ever know. I'm grateful for each and every person in my life and I find it difficult to put into words what they all mean to me. (Imagine that! Me, no words!)

So, maybe we are experiencing all of this tragedy because we have the strength and support to get through it. Maybe we are going through this so that a couple who wouldn't be able to handle it can have an easy pregnancy and the family they'll cherish. Maybe we're facing these issues because someone up there knows we'll be the voice for so many women/families who are silenced by fear and shame. Who knows, right?

Whatever the reason, what I do know is that we'll get through this and we'll be better people for having experienced it together. So, as I tell my students when they want to give up: onward and upward. 

 

Is it January yet?

December has got to be the worst month of the year to have a miscarriage. You get to spend the entire month looking at pictures of kids. You also get to see lots of pregnancy announcements. Ugh. It's like nature's cruel way of reminding you of everything you don't have. IT SUCKS. On top of that, December is the month that my husband and I celebrate our birthdays. Yeah, not this year; I'm not into it. I plan on skipping my birthday except to go out with my work family and get wasted. Yep, that's how I'm celebrating.

I also plan on skipping the holidays this year. I'm not into it and I have no interest in pretending that I am. I don't want to be a debbie downer and ruin the holiday for anyone else so I think I'm just going to stay home. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy. I don't want to have to listen to people tell me that it'll be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I don't want the "hold a little tighter" hugs with the "I'm so sorry" message. I get that it comes from a good place, I really do, but sometimes it just makes the pain worse. I don't want to hang out with our pregnant friends and family and pretend that I'm not in pain. So, for everyone's benefit I'm just going to skip this "holly jolly" time. It's not meant to hurt anyone's feelings and honestly, this year isn't about anyone else but me. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it is. I need to concentrate on me. I need to deal with all of this in my own way so that I can continue to move forward. We all handle pain in different ways and we have to let ourselves cope in our own personal way. My head and my heart are telling me that this is what I need and I'm going to listen.

Our experience this year was very different than our experience last year. This year, nature made the decision for us. Last year, we made the decision. This year, the day of surgery was much easier than last year. Last year, I gave myself time to cope and deal with my emotions. This year, I jumped right back into life and "moved on." Last year I didn't play the "why us" game. This year, I play it every day. Honestly, I think it has something to do with the time of year that everything happened. As much as I love seeing the holiday cards from our friends, it's painful. Yes, I'm thrilled you all have happy healthy families and I love your kids like I would love my own. Hopefully you know that. BUT, this year it's different. It's a little more painful than it is joyful and that sucks. I think that adds another dimension of emotion to all of this too. I not only get to feel my own pain but then I also get to feel guilty about all of that. Blah.

The bottom line is: December is just a shitty effing month for life to veer off course. The upside is that December won't last forever and in exactly two weeks it'll be a new month in a new year with a chance for new beginnings.

May 2013 bring you joy, happiness, laughter, and love.

What You Haven't Been Told....Until Now

October 22, 2012- 3w2d

October 22, 2012

I've been tired lately. I've been waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I've had heartburn like I've never known before. Something is up. I woke up this morning with a great energy. I took my final exam and felt really good about it. I watched some TV and played with the dog a little. Easy peasy...normal Monday Funday. Then suddenly, I felt like crap. It was around 4:15 and I decided to take a nap. I told hubby to wake me up at 5 (I only wanted a short nap) but he said I looked comfy and he decided he'd just let me sleep. I woke up around 6 and didn't feel very refreshed. What the heck? We watched a little TV and I had to pee....again. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm supposed to get my period in 5 days so I'm within my "early result window." I peed on the stick expecting the same result I've had for the last few months: negative. Well, surprise surprise! Two little lines appeared within a minute. I smiled and silently walked out of the bathroom into the living room. Hubby was sitting on the computer and I slid the stick into his line of vision. It wasn't expected as he didn't know I had taken the test so it took a minute for him to register just what I was showing to him. He smiled and said "that looks like a pretty faint line." I told him the color didn't matter, just that it was there.  His smile got bigger and he leaned in and gave me a hug and a kiss. Here we go....again. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I know too much about what can go wrong and I'm afraid I'll be too overcome with worry and fear to enjoy this pregnancy. My only hope is that our angel is watching over his or her younger sibling (and us.) Let the journey begin...

October 23, 2012- 3w3d
Took another test with my "first morning pee." Yep, still positive.

October 24, 2012- 3w4d
Took another test when I got home from work. Still pregnant!

October 25, 2012- 3w5d
I called the doctor today. I'm waiting to hear back from him to see if he wants to see me or if I should wait for a "normal" appointment at 8 weeks. I'm about 99% sure that I am 3weeks5days today. It's so early! It's both exciting and terrifying to know this early. I'm trying not to get too too excited because I know how much can go wrong but it's hard. I'm thrilled. Hubby is thrilled. Our friends are thrilled. Yes, I've told a few folks. I know it's way too early but I couldn't keep it in. There are still a few people I need to tell but I'm trying to find a fun way. I know everyone says to wait until after the 1st trimester, but who cares. We want to celebrate this news with our friends. They're the ones who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives and we'll need them again if Gd forbid something happens. We had a lot of people who didn't know we were even pregnant last year until they read the blog and discovered something was wrong. This time, we want to enjoy it with our friends, even if it is only for a short time. (Ahhh, I hate even saying that but it's true.) I'm calling the baby "baby bean" and talk to it often. I know it's the size of a pen tip right now but I don't care. It's my little pen tip and I love it. Not sure why "Baby Bean." I think I just said it once and it stuck. As for symptoms, it's still way too early. I do get really tired and hot and nauseous every day around 4pm but that's it.

October 29, 2012- 4w2d
Baby Bean went to her first Eagles game yesterday. Of course, they lost and played like shit. Hell, he's going to have to get used to being let down if she's going to be an Eagles fan. I just wish I could enjoy the Flyers right now...start getting the baby used to hearing me yell "SCORE." Baby will be about 2 months old with the start of the 2013-14 season. CAN'T WAIT! Right now I'm sitting here watching Hurricane Sandy outside. She's blowing the tree across the street like crazy. We moved our cars into the garage as we expect this tree to come down! EEK

October 30, 2012- 4w3d
We survived Hurricane Sandy with no damage and we never lost power! Woo Hoo!

October 31, 2012- 4w4d
Okay, I'm freaking out. I have had no symptoms for two days now. I had been really tired but now, nada. I am freaking out that something is wrong. This time in my last pregnancy I had sore and tender boobies and I was exhausted. I know that every pregnancy is different but I can't help but be scared. I'm trying not to let fear minimize my excitement but it's hard. Happy Halloween, Baby Bean!'m trying not to let my imagination run wild with "what-ifs" but boy is it hard.

November 2, 2012- 4w6d
Well, my boobs hurt. It started a little yesterday and then bam, today it hit me. At first I thought it was mental but then I bumped one on my chair at work (don't ask) and OUCH! Yeah, definitely real pain. I guess that's a good sign? I talked to the doctor today to schedule my first prenatal appointment. It'll be 11/19 and I feel like that is FOREVER and a day away. He sent me the order for the ultrasound and I have to do that the week of the 12th. They kept calling it a viability scan and it was driving me mad. I hate that word and I spent my entire morning freaking out about what could go wrong at that appointment. I'm trying not to stress myself out but man, this sucks. Time is crawling and I just want to know everything is okay!

November 5, 2012- 5w2d
I scheduled my viability/dating scan for Monday, November 12th at 10:15am. This week is going to CRAWL!

November 6, 2012- 5w3d
Happy Election Day! Minor freak out tonight. Some "normal" preggo stuff that makes someone with PgAL brain freak out probably unnecessarily. Trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

November 9, 2012- 5w6d
In 69.5 hours I will know if this baby is growing and this is a "viable" pregnancy. SOOO nervous. Plus, the word viable is so ugly. Catch ya Monday with either good news (continuing this journal unpublished) or bad news (publishing the outcome along with the journal.)

November 12, 2012- 6w2d
Well, I'm not publishing the blog today. WOO HOO We just got back from our ultrasound and baby bean is measuring 6w +/-3 days (the tech isn't allowed to give a firm date.) This is right around where I think I am (I think I'm 6w2d today.) We got to see baby bean and see the little flutter of its heart (100 bpm). I started crying. I know we've made it to this milestone before but it's one small step toward becoming a mommy this time around. Though we're no where near "safe" and I still don't feel like I can "breath easy," it's a happy happy day. So anyway, I was told to drink 32 to 40 ounces of water. I drank 40 just to be safe. (I'm an overachiever, what can I say?) We got to the appointment and I had to wait. And wait. And wait. I couldn't hold it anymore and they told me I could go "release myself" a little. I did. Twice. We got into the room and the technician told me I was still too full. She asked me to go "release another 3/4." How the hell do you measure that?  Anyway, the tech was amazed at how much liquid my bladder could hold. Always nice to impress the woman holding a wand up your who hah. (I was allowed to fully release before the internal began.) Naturally, the first thing I did was look up "normal heart rate at 6 weeks." I saw conflicting reports but the majority of what I found said 90-110 is normal. I'm going with that and staying positive. As the PgAL mantra goes: "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." Staying positive....

November 13, 2012-5w6d (Yep, I was a few days off. This is official per the ultrasound.)
The doctor called last night. She confirmed my results and said the heartbeat was actually recorded as 105 bpb. That five beats made me feel better. Not sure why. She did say I measured 6w and put my due date as July 10, 2013. SO exciting. :) Oh, this means we actually found out we were pregnant at 2w5d! ! ! !

November 19, 2012- 6w5d
We met with Dr. Stack today. He did all of the usual first prenatal appointment work. I had a pap, boobie check, weight check, blood work, and pee test.  Easy peasy. And then, the talk. I knew it was coming but I really wasn't prepared for it. Dr. Stack talked about the sequential screen and I immediate got tense and the tears starting creeping up toward my eyes. With having had a trisomy baby in the past, my chances of having another are 1% to 2% greater than a woman who never had a trisomy pregnancy. He ordered the sequential screen and we have to meet with a geneticist. He did warn us that the geneticist would offer an amnio and would "scare the shit of you." Awesome, can't wait for that. I'll be 12w around my birthday so that's about when the sequential will be. Great, nothing like spending my birthday and the holidays petrified about that appointment. I've been crying on and off all day long. I'm trying to be positive but I am also trying to let myself feel my feelings.

November 26, 2012- 7w5d
I haven't been here in a while. I've had a few freak out moments and am still trying to stay positive. Part of staying positive, for me, means not thinking about being pregnant. When I think about it too much I get freaked out. Our next appointment for an ultrasound is our first sequential and it's at the end of December. IT'S FOREVER AWAY! Anyway, my boobs are sore and I'm still exhausted. Oh, and I'm moody as all hell. It doesn't take much to set me off these days. Hubby and I went to Sears tonight and I got my first pair of maternity jeans for this pregnancy. I know it's just bloat (not baby) right now but my jeans are just getting too uncomfy. Okay, off to watch The Voice.

November 29, 2012- 8w1d
Baby bean is a raspberry now. I love Wednesdays because my ticket on The Bump changes. WOO HOO I still have pretty much no symptoms. I know I'm lucky but I just WISH there was a sign I was pregnant. I have less than a month to wait for my 12w scan. I'm crazy scared and am just trying to stay positive. I think I've come up with an idea about how we'll announce the pregnancy.  I picked my baby shower theme. Thinking about things like that help make me happy...even it it's momentary. Hubby is doing laundry right now while I finish up homework and blog. He said he's trying to get used to more dishes, more laundry, and more cleaning up for baby. He said he wants to get used to the things that are "just going to be more." Maybe it's his nesting phase? I think it's his way of keeping his mind off of the fear that is consuming both of us. p.s- Candy Cane Hershey Kisses are just as amazing this year as I remember them being last year. Seriously, life changing. (No, it's not preggo related. I loved them this much last year.)

December 3, 2012- 8w5d
If you don't know what it means to have PgAL brain I envy you. Ugh.

December 4, 2012- 8w6d
I knew something was wrong. Everyone said my spotting was "normal" and a part of me wanted to believe them but I knew. We just got back from the doctor and she confirmed we lost our little one. She called it "horrible terrible bad luck" and assured us we will, eventually, have our precious little one.  She reassured us that it's no one's fault and we just happened to be the 1 in 5 who lose the baby at 8 weeks. It is what it is. We'll be okay; we still have each other...and we have all of you. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you really isn't enough to express how much your love and support means to us. I was supposed to leave for Utah tomorrow to celebrate the PRIDE award I received. So much for that; I'll be spending the day at the hospital instead.

~~Thanks for reading and for loving us the way that you do.~~

It's Gettin' Ugly

I haven't posted a blog in quite some time. Sorry about that but life has just been sooooo busy. I can't even tell you why, but man do I need a break. This week is no exception. My sister-in-law married her best friend last Saturday so now I have a brother! It was a great wedding and hubs and me are thrilled that she's found someone to keep her smiling. Most of you know that I didn't always have a great relationship with my hub's immediate family. It was pretty rough for a really long time. After we lost the baby things seemed to take a turn for the better. His mom texted me every day I was out of work just to check-in. It was a really nice gesture and one I appreciated more than she knows. After that, our relationship seemed to be on the mend. Sometimes emotional tragedy has a way of bringing people together and if something positive had to come from our loss I'm glad it was that. We may not be at 100% just yet but we'll get there. All things in time. Bottom line is, we had an awesome weekend with the family and look forward to many more. We're even planning a family vacation for next summer...who would've thunk it?!?!?

This week hasn't been easy. September 2nd was the one-year anniversary of our finding out that our peanut wasn't going to make it. This time last year I was in a daze. I spent this week crying and just going through the motions trying to survive. In 4 short days it'll be the one year anniversary of when we terminated the pregnancy. Ugh. Luckily I'll be spending the day with some of my besties; we'll be shopping for bridesmaid dresses and watching my bestie try on wedding dresses. That should keep my mind off of the horror that is and always will be September 9th.

So, just as emotional tragedy can often lead to mended relationships, it can also ruin them. Maybe it's just that I'm more emotional this week but I'm going nuts here. We're in the heart of our 2012 Presidential Election and it's getting ugly.. UGH! They say you shouldn't talk politics or religion with friends but no one listens. With Facebook, everyone is posting political messages, posters, links and quotes. I have a lot of "friends" who are Republicans. That's okay with me...in most cases! I enjoy a good debate and truly do respect people who are willing to stand up for what they believe. I think that our freedom to disagree is what makes being an American so great. I don't, however, like being offended or called names or shamed. The 2012 Republican platform centers around abortion. Of course, why wouldn't it? If you've read my blog or know me at all, you know that I am 100% pro-choice. (After everything that happened with our little peanut my commitment to preserving a woman's right to choose is even more important to me.) This issue, for me, is probably the most important of this year's election. I know that abortion is and always will be a touchy subject. People who engage in the debate, on either side, are passionate. Passionate is one thing; disrespectful is another.

As I said earlier, this election is getting ugly. It's bringing out anger in people and it's getting nasty. Lately, it's getting worse. I don't understand how anyone with a uterus could ever vote for Romney/Ryan but that's neither here nor there. Everyone has the right to vote for the candidate with whom they connect most. I respect anyone who is informed and exercises his right to vote. The RNC was last week and the DNC started last night; maybe that's what sparked all of this ugly. Who knows? What I do know is that I have seen sides of my "friends" that I both wish I never saw and that I appreciate seeing. Most Republicans are pro-life. Again, that's okay. Your political or personal position on abortion is a-okay with me. As I've said a million times before, we have the right to disagree about anything and everything. What's not okay with me is when you call me a baby killer. I saw a post on a friend's page last night. It was a political quote centered around the abortion debate on which some of his or her friends had commented. My "friend" wrote the words baby killer. Awesome, right? Side note: when I had my abortion last year this person supported me through it and said all the right things. Now I know it was fake and insincere. I was upset about it last night but now I'm over it. I don't have time to waste on ignorance; it's not worth it.

I have spent the last year sharing my story with hundreds of women/families that have faced similar situations. This blog has allowed me to heal in a way that I know I wouldn't have without it. I have felt so supported by so many unexpected people (yes, I'm talking about my Republican friends here) and can finally say I'm in a really good place. I will continue to share my story and support other women and families that are faced with tragedy. I will continue my fight for women's rights and will continue to hold my head up high. I will keep trying to open people's eyes to the "other side" of the abortion debate. The side that doesn't center around rape or unwanted pregnancy. I will continue to share with anyone willing to listen and will proudly cast my vote on November 6th for the man who is fighting for MY right to choose what I do with MY body.

A Year Ago Today...

My boobs are so sore. It has been a few days and I think I'm coming down with something; I'm achy. My mom came over for dinner tonight and when she hugged me goodbye I wanted to cry. IT HURT! Well come to think of it, I'm not just sore, I think my boobs are actually bigger Not only that, but I have been overly emotional this week. I've been crying at random points. Maybe I'm just getting my period? Oh hell, what's going on?!?!?

As soon as mom pulled away, hubby and I hopped in the car and drove to Target. I intended to buy IcyHot and a pregnancy test. Hubs talked me out of the IcyHot so we just got the preggo test. I got home and had to pee....come to think of it, I had been peeing a lot that week. Within seconds, that second blue line appeared. Holy shit; we're pregnant. I started yelling from the bathroom and hubby just kept saying, "are you pregnant?" I couldn't talk. You have all these grand ideas about how joyful the moment you see that line will be. You'll smile, and hug and it'll be amazing. Nope, not really. I threw up. (One of only two times I would throw up during the entire pregnancy.) We were excited, but we were scared! That was July 1, 2011 and so began the most emotionally difficult journey of our lives.

I couldn't get used to the idea that I was pregnant. Are we ready? Can we afford this? Will we be good parents? Are you going to wake up at 6:00am to put my shoes on for me when I can't bend over to do it? This baby is going to be due in March. What if it's snowing? How is Foster going to be with a baby? Shit, we have to get a room ready. What if it's a girl? What will we name her? What if it's a boy? What will we name him? Oh no, if my calculations are right we're going to miss Michael's first birthday. Our friends are going to freak out. Who will we name as the godparents? What if my water breaks and I'm on the El? I wonder if I'll be able to adjust my hours at work. What will we do for daycare? Should we move to the suburbs before the kid starts school?
AHHHHHHH THIS IS SCARY!

Here we are a full year from that night and SO much has happened. I got promoted. Hubby got a new job. A billion friends have given birth to beautiful baby boys and girls. The nursery is painted a beautiful shade of yellow. And we still do not have a baby. At 12 weeks 5 days into the pregnancy we got the devastating news that our baby had a fatal prenatal diagnosis. At 13 weeks 5 days, we terminated the pregnancy via a D&E. While it was the most difficult and painful decision to make, we know in our heart of hearts it was the RIGHT decision. Even a year later, knowing our baby should be approaching 4 months old, we know it was the right decision.

I have mostly good days now. I still think about what we've been through but I have learned to cope. It still makes me sad and there are still nights that I cry, but for the most part I'd say I'm okay. The thought of being pregnant again, whenever that happens, both thrills and petrifies me. There are days I want to be pregnant yesterday and there are days I'm too scared to even imagine it.   Whatever happens, baby or no baby, hubby and I will be okay. We've got a lot of love to share and an amazing support system to help us through anything. We are so so blessed. But, here we are...July 1, 2012 and I'm pretty emotional. These "milestones" as they're so inappropriately called are tough. Luckily an old friend, with whom I thought I had lost touch, took me out to dinner and to the casino for a night of fun and laughter. It was exactly what I needed and he'll never really know what tonight meant to me.

Here is a quick list of our Summer 2011 "milestones."

• July 1st: Found out we were pregnant via at-home test. 
• July 11th: Doctor officially confirmed we were pregnant. 
• July 18th: First ultrasound/saw the heartbeat.
•  August 8th: Heard the heartbeat/Told my mom she was going to be a Bubby!
• August 14th: Told Hubby's parents/sister they'd be grandparents/aunt.
• September 2nd: Got the sad news that our baby would not survive and had a fatal diagnosis.
• September 8th: Final ultrasound. (Did not watch or listen.... too painful.)
• September 9th: Terminated the pregnancy.
• November 4th: Got the test results back to confirm triploidy, and received the wonderful news that the disorder is NOT genetic and has less than a 1% chance of occurring in a future pregnancy.

So today begins my summer of milestones. I'm not looking forward to reliving the pain we felt last year but I will not avoid it. I will confront each memory with strength, compassion and sadness. I will continue to share my story with women everywhere to let them know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  September is going to be tough, but I'm ready. I have received so much love and support, especially through this blog, and I know I'll get through it.

Here's to our happy ending, however it happens....

The Fight Goes On...

Here we go again...

I just read an article about a proposed merger between two hospitals in my area. The article explains how one hospital is going to stop performing abortions out of respect for the Catholic mission of the other. The "other" hospital, with the Catholic mission, is the hospital affiliated with my gynecologist. So, how did I have an abortion if they're not able to perform them? Well, I was referred to a highly qualified doctor at different hospital. Though my doctor could not perform the procedure the CHOICE was still mine to make and I was still educated about ALL of my options, including those that go against my hospital's "Catholic mission."  What I women to understand is that while this decision does eliminate the hospital as a choice provider for the procedure, it doesn't eliminate the woman's choice to move forward with what is very often the most difficult decision of a woman's life. As long as our doctors are still educating patients, regardless of religious missions, we need to be thankful for the care we're receiving.

We need to keep the focus on the RIGHT fight. I also wish people would  keep in mind how hurtful comments on articles like that can be. Women who have faced this tragedy have been shamed enough. They've felt enough sadness, fear, guilt, anger and hopelessness.  I still get really upset when people argue without validity. Everyone always goes back to the "abortion is not birth control" fight or the "don't sleep around and you won't get pregnant" fight. UGH! That kills me. I am married. I am educated. I have a job. I wanted a baby. I intentionally got pregnant because my hubby and I wanted to share our love with the next generation of our family.  Sadly, nature had other plans for us and we played the cards we were dealt the best way we knew how. Even more tragic, is this is a more commonly dealt hand than we'd like to know. I am just thankful that this blog has reached so many women. I am happy to be a voice for the "other" side and am thankful that my words help comfort others who have faced, or are facing, similar situations.

I remember when our doctor gave us the fatal diagnosis. It's a conversation I replay in my head over and over and one I don't think I'll EVER forget. I used to have a really hard time admitting that I had an abortion. As I've said before, though I'm pro-choice for America, I'm pro-life for me. I NEVER thought I'd be faced with a situation that forced me to terminate my own baby's life. As much as it feels like forever ago it feels just like yesterday. I'll also never forget when she said "we cannot do it here." It was like being stabbed in an already wounded heart. I trusted my doctor, and my doctor alone, and here I was being told he couldn't do the procedure because of the "nature of the hospital." It not only made me feel more scared, but also shamed me. Wow, am I really considering doing something so horrific that my own doctor won't/can't even perform it? Yes, yes I am. And I'm considering it because it's the best choice for me AND for my baby. Hubby and I made this decision out of selfless love, and no one will EVER make me feel differently.

Anyway, just had to vent cause these people on the message boards are driving me nuts!

About The Hubby....

My hubby is amazing; there is no denying that. He is not, however, the most comfortable when it comes to dealing with any sort of emotion. Needless to say, he had a REALLY hard time dealing with losing the baby. It took a good six months before he could even talk about it. I let him deal in his own time, never wanting to push him beyond his comfort zone.

While I was dealing with feeling like my body failed me and the devastation of having to terminate the pregnancy I was a hot mess. I really couldn't function. I pretty much just sat on my couch looking at the TV. I'd say watching but I can't recall a single thing about the week between 9/2/11 and 9/9/11 except trying to go to work on Tuesday and turning around after walking about 3 houses away from my own. Oh, and I remember freaking out at our pre-surgical appointment when the doctor surprised me with one last ultrasound. Ugh. During that week, and immediately thereafter, my husband was EVERYTHING. He scheduled our appointments. He cleaned up the house. He cooked. He made sure I ate. And he worked! (Oh, and he organized it so that my mom could return the $100 worth of Destination Maternity clothes that we bought just an hour before finding out something was wrong. Yeah, never gonna do THAT again! Shop AFTER the appointment, not before!) I was an emotional wreck and really couldn't understand how my hubby was functioning. Now I know; he HAD to be functional. He had to be strong enough for the both of us or EVERYTHING would've fallen apart. It wasn't until after we got the test results back (early November), and found out triploidy is not genetic, that he was able to start mourning our loss and coping with his grief.

Recently we decided to paint what would have been, and what eventually will be, our nursery. When we found out we were pregnant we decided to paint the room yellow. For months after we ended the pregnancy, I couldn't even look at the door to the room; it was too painful. Finally, about a month and a half ago, I decided I wanted to paint the room yellow. Why wait, right?  We went to Home Depot and bought the paint. As per our usual, it was an easy decision on which we agreed right away. Hubby starting painting the room right away. He tackled it late at night when he got home from work and day by day I started to see it transforming from it's dull and old blue to a vibrant and lively yellow. I helped a bit with the outlining (hubby says I'm better than he is at trim work) and then let him get back to work. All is done except one wall and a 2nd coat. So exciting!

Yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen talking about how great the room looked. Hubby looked me in the eye and told me how hard it has been to paint. I was surprised! He has been so productive in there that I just assumed it was easy peasy. Nope. He told me how every time he's in there he thinks about how it should have been done six months ago and by now should be full of baby stuff. It was hard for him to admit and his first statement after he released his thoughts was, "don't write a blog about this." I told him I wouldn't and then he said it was okay. He said he's proud of this blog and how much it's helping people. (Thank you all for the feedback and support, by the way.) It was an amazing moment, especially when he said that painting the room "has helped me get mentally ready for a baby." We've had a few talks over the last few weeks about when it'll be the "right time" to try and each conversation ended without an answer. Though it was hard, I had to be okay with it. I had to let my husband heal in his own time, without adding pressure to his intense emotions.

I'm glad he said I could write about his revelation because it's important for us women to know that our men deal with our loss differently. It's not about whose pain is worse; you can't quantify pain. I dealt intensely and immediately. My hubby's immediate reaction was to ignore the pain and push it deep down inside him where he didn't need to face it. When he did finally face it, he dealt intensely and privately. We didn't really discuss it. Sometimes that hurt me, but I kept reading my books and talking to my support group and was always reminded that everyone has to have the freedom to cope in their own way. I think this is what saved us from being one of the couples that a situation like this can break. We gave each other the freedom to be ourselves without ever passing judgement on how the other was handling the pain. If I had to say that anything good came from this experience, it is that I have a new respect for what kind of man I married, and what kind of man will be my baby's role model.

So ladies, let your man deal in his own way. Let him avoid, face, ignore, acknowledge, suppress or confront in his own way and in his own time. Don't push him to deal with you, as long as he's supporting you. Don't force the conversations you are dying to have...reach out to a support system that is able, at that time, to be what you need it to be. And to the men reading this, know that we know you are experiencing the loss right along with us, albeit in a different way. We understand that your pain comes from losing your baby and from being scared for your wife/girlfriend. We know your innate need to be strong. Know that your time to cope will come and we'll be waiting to support you through it. We'll be your shoulder to cry on whenever you're ready. Because we are in this together!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms reading this. You have the hardest job on the plant and are amazing.

I've struggled this week, knowing today should have been my first official mother's day as a mom. I have two wonderful godchildren so I've celebrated before, but today should have been my day to celebrate with my own little one. A day when my  husband would spoil me and honor my new role as a mommy. Unfortunately, as you know by now, we don't have our angel with us. Does that mean I'm not a mom? I asked myself this question all day every day all week. Thanks to the wonderful women in my support groups for giving me my answer.....yes, I'm a mom.

A woman in our group posted a beautiful poem (the first one posted on the site) that answered my question. In it, one stanza screamed out to me. It reads: "Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay. I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today If you could see your child smile with other kids and say “We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here." It hit home.

When we made the decision to terminate our pregnancy it was the most difficult choice with which we've ever been faced, both as individuals and as a couple. Our baby would not have survived the pregnancy and there was potential for danger to me should we allow the pregnancy to progress. With heavy hearts and tear filled eyes, we terminated at 13 weeks 5 days knowing we were consciously ending our journey to parenthood, at least for the time being. At the time, and for many months following, we were too pained to even consider trying to become parents again. No way. No how. Not gonna do it.

So if I made the decision to end my pregnancy, how can I consider myself a mom? Two of the greatest lessons I've learned from my mom are those of unconditional love and selflessness. That's what moms do. They love their kids no matter what. Maybe your kid isn't the poster of perfection but you love them anyway, right? Moms are selfless, always putting the feelings and needs of their children far ahead of their own. They take on their children's pain so as to protect their kids from having to hurt. When your baby is sick, you do everything you can to take away the pain and make the hurt go away. It is this maternal drive of unconditional love and selflessness that led us to our decision. I didn't make this decision because I didn't love our baby. She (I have this strange feeling it was a girl) wasn't perfect, and that was okay. We loved that little lemon (that's how big we were told the baby was likely to be at 13 weeks 5 days). We made this decision to take away our baby's pain and put it on ourselves.  We ended our baby's suffering and swallowed the fear, sadness, anger, hopelessness and hate ourselves. It was the hardest act of parenthood that we hope to ever face. It was however, the best decision we could make, as parents, for our family.

Though my angel is not physically with me today, she is in my heart and my thoughts always. I am a mom. And today I'm going to celebrate that. I'm going to celebrate with my mom, the best woman on the planet. This blog would be way too long if I told you what makes her so great. She just....is. I hope that someday I am half the mom she is. 

Mom, you are, and always will be, my hero. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy.

What's New?!

Good Morning! I haven't blogged in a while so I figured I'd come just catch you up. I figured this blog would be about nothing but then I saw I had a comment to approve. Oooooh, who has been reading? Well, the answer is some jerk. It was a nasty comment; I haven't received any of those in quite some time so it did take me a bit by surprise. It shocks me how ignorant some people can be. I'll address this moron, in case they come back to read, and then I'll catch you up on life.

This idiot wasn't man (or woman) enough to leave a name; the comment was posted by "anonymous." Man up. If you want to call me names and tell me that I'm a baby killer, tell me your name. Allow me the courtesy to know who is so ignorant; I hope you're reading this. I hope you realize I rejected your comment and won't be posting it so you can feel free to stop visiting the blog. Know that I am praying for you, praying that you and your family are able to avoid, forever, the heartache and devastation that come with having to make such a difficult decision. I also pray that if someone you are close to is dealt this hand you have enough compassion for that person to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. I'm not a baby killer I don't consider what I did murder. I never will, regardless of how many ignorant and rude comments I receive and regardless of how many names you call me. If this didn't break me, I can sure as hell promise you that your words won't break me either.

Life has been pretty busy. My boss is still on maternity leave so I'm doing a lot of extra work at work. It sometimes means 10 hour days and then work when I get home, but it's worth it. The team, I think, has felt supported and with all of the changes we're experiencing that's my top priority. Tomorrow starts a round of national trainings and my calendar through the end of May is CRAZY. It makes the days pass quickly though so I can't complain. We have a new president and he seems like a great guy. He's got great energy and optimism, which we need right now. Now, if he can overcome the two issues  in our main location he'll be my hero. Only time will tell....

I voted earlier this month. I was really pulling for Patrick Murphy for Attorney General. Unfortunately, he didn't win and our Democratic nominee is Kathleen Kane. She is against the ultrasound bill, which is obviously an important issue to me, and I hope she pulls through with the win. We have to get the Republicans out of that office to balance out the idiocy in our Governor's office right now.  His term cannot end soon enough.

Other than that, nothing is really new. Hubby and I are considering a vacation. We may just wind up in AC a few times but we'll see. We've also decided to put off trying for a baby until July/August. We're really trying to avoid having a due date near our last one. It would be too hard. I'm hoping to get pregnant in August/September and then I can have a May/June baby. Birthday parties outside! ! ! Obviously, we'll take the blessing whenever it happens. We're both still scared of the idea but we're ready to welcome a little one into our family.

Okay, enough catching up. Thanks for reading!

p.s- If you haven't read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, READ IT! You and your hubby/wife will thank me for the recommendation.