Monday, October 22, 2012

What You Haven't Been Told....Until Now

October 22, 2012- 3w2d
October 22, 2012
I've been tired lately. I've been waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I've had heartburn like I've never known before. Something is up. I woke up this morning with a great energy. I took my final exam and felt really good about it. I watched some TV and played with the dog a little. Easy peasy...normal Monday Funday. Then suddenly, I felt like crap. It was around 4:15 and I decided to take a nap. I told hubby to wake me up at 5 (I only wanted a short nap) but he said I looked comfy and he decided he'd just let me sleep. I woke up around 6 and didn't feel very refreshed. What the heck? We watched a little TV and I had to pee....again. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm supposed to get my period in 5 days so I'm within my "early result window." I peed on the stick expecting the same result I've had for the last few months: negative. Well, surprise surprise! Two little lines appeared within a minute. I smiled and silently walked out of the bathroom into the living room. Hubby was sitting on the computer and I slid the stick into his line of vision. It wasn't expected as he didn't know I had taken the test so it took a minute for him to register just what I was showing to him. He smiled and said "that looks like a pretty faint line." I told him the color didn't matter, just that it was there.  His smile got bigger and he leaned in and gave me a hug and a kiss. Here we go....again. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I know too much about what can go wrong and I'm afraid I'll be too overcome with worry and fear to enjoy this pregnancy. My only hope is that our angel is watching over his or her younger sibling (and us.) Let the journey begin...

October 23, 2012- 3w3d
Took another test with my "first morning pee." Yep, still positive.

October 24, 2012- 3w4d
Took another test when I got home from work. Still pregnant!

October 25, 2012- 3w5d
I called the doctor today. I'm waiting to hear back from him to see if he wants to see me or if I should wait for a "normal" appointment at 8 weeks. I'm about 99% sure that I am 3weeks5days today. It's so early! It's both exciting and terrifying to know this early. I'm trying not to get too too excited because I know how much can go wrong but it's hard. I'm thrilled. Hubby is thrilled. Our friends are thrilled. Yes, I've told a few folks. I know it's way too early but I couldn't keep it in. There are still a few people I need to tell but I'm trying to find a fun way. I know everyone says to wait until after the 1st trimester, but who cares. We want to celebrate this news with our friends. They're the ones who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives and we'll need them again if Gd forbid something happens. We had a lot of people who didn't know we were even pregnant last year until they read the blog and discovered something was wrong. This time, we want to enjoy it with our friends, even if it is only for a short time. (Ahhh, I hate even saying that but it's true.) I'm calling the baby "baby bean" and talk to it often. I know it's the size of a pen tip right now but I don't care. It's my little pen tip and I love it. Not sure why "Baby Bean." I think I just said it once and it stuck. As for symptoms, it's still way too early. I do get really tired and hot and nauseous every day around 4pm but that's it.

October 29, 2012- 4w2d
Baby Bean went to her first Eagles game yesterday. Of course, they lost and played like shit. Hell, he's going to have to get used to being let down if she's going to be an Eagles fan. I just wish I could enjoy the Flyers right now...start getting the baby used to hearing me yell "SCORE." Baby will be about 2 months old with the start of the 2013-14 season. CAN'T WAIT! Right now I'm sitting here watching Hurricane Sandy outside. She's blowing the tree across the street like crazy. We moved our cars into the garage as we expect this tree to come down! EEK

October 30, 2012- 4w3d
We survived Hurricane Sandy with no damage and we never lost power! Woo Hoo!

October 31, 2012- 4w4d
Okay, I'm freaking out. I have had no symptoms for two days now. I had been really tired but now, nada. I am freaking out that something is wrong. This time in my last pregnancy I had sore and tender boobies and I was exhausted. I know that every pregnancy is different but I can't help but be scared. I'm trying not to let fear minimize my excitement but it's hard. Happy Halloween, Baby Bean!'m trying not to let my imagination run wild with "what-ifs" but boy is it hard.

November 2, 2012- 4w6d
Well, my boobs hurt. It started a little yesterday and then bam, today it hit me. At first I thought it was mental but then I bumped one on my chair at work (don't ask) and OUCH! Yeah, definitely real pain. I guess that's a good sign? I talked to the doctor today to schedule my first prenatal appointment. It'll be 11/19 and I feel like that is FOREVER and a day away. He sent me the order for the ultrasound and I have to do that the week of the 12th. They kept calling it a viability scan and it was driving me mad. I hate that word and I spent my entire morning freaking out about what could go wrong at that appointment. I'm trying not to stress myself out but man, this sucks. Time is crawling and I just want to know everything is okay!

November 5, 2012- 5w2d
I scheduled my viability/dating scan for Monday, November 12th at 10:15am. This week is going to CRAWL!

November 6, 2012- 5w3d
Happy Election Day! Minor freak out tonight. Some "normal" preggo stuff that makes someone with PgAL brain freak out probably unnecessarily. Trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

November 9, 2012- 5w6d
In 69.5 hours I will know if this baby is growing and this is a "viable" pregnancy. SOOO nervous. Plus, the word viable is so ugly. Catch ya Monday with either good news (continuing this journal unpublished) or bad news (publishing the outcome along with the journal.)

November 12, 2012- 6w2d
Well, I'm not publishing the blog today. WOO HOO We just got back from our ultrasound and baby bean is measuring 6w +/-3 days (the tech isn't allowed to give a firm date.) This is right around where I think I am (I think I'm 6w2d today.) We got to see baby bean and see the little flutter of its heart (100 bpm). I started crying. I know we've made it to this milestone before but it's one small step toward becoming a mommy this time around. Though we're no where near "safe" and I still don't feel like I can "breath easy," it's a happy happy day. So anyway, I was told to drink 32 to 40 ounces of water. I drank 40 just to be safe. (I'm an overachiever, what can I say?) We got to the appointment and I had to wait. And wait. And wait. I couldn't hold it anymore and they told me I could go "release myself" a little. I did. Twice. We got into the room and the technician told me I was still too full. She asked me to go "release another 3/4." How the hell do you measure that?  Anyway, the tech was amazed at how much liquid my bladder could hold. Always nice to impress the woman holding a wand up your who hah. (I was allowed to fully release before the internal began.) Naturally, the first thing I did was look up "normal heart rate at 6 weeks." I saw conflicting reports but the majority of what I found said 90-110 is normal. I'm going with that and staying positive. As the PgAL mantra goes: "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." Staying positive....

November 13, 2012-5w6d (Yep, I was a few days off. This is official per the ultrasound.)
The doctor called last night. She confirmed my results and said the heartbeat was actually recorded as 105 bpb. That five beats made me feel better. Not sure why. She did say I measured 6w and put my due date as July 10, 2013. SO exciting. :) Oh, this means we actually found out we were pregnant at 2w5d! ! ! !

November 19, 2012- 6w5d
We met with Dr. Stack today. He did all of the usual first prenatal appointment work. I had a pap, boobie check, weight check, blood work, and pee test.  Easy peasy. And then, the talk. I knew it was coming but I really wasn't prepared for it. Dr. Stack talked about the sequential screen and I immediate got tense and the tears starting creeping up toward my eyes. With having had a trisomy baby in the past, my chances of having another are 1% to 2% greater than a woman who never had a trisomy pregnancy. He ordered the sequential screen and we have to meet with a geneticist. He did warn us that the geneticist would offer an amnio and would "scare the shit of you." Awesome, can't wait for that. I'll be 12w around my birthday so that's about when the sequential will be. Great, nothing like spending my birthday and the holidays petrified about that appointment. I've been crying on and off all day long. I'm trying to be positive but I am also trying to let myself feel my feelings.

November 26, 2012- 7w5d
I haven't been here in a while. I've had a few freak out moments and am still trying to stay positive. Part of staying positive, for me, means not thinking about being pregnant. When I think about it too much I get freaked out. Our next appointment for an ultrasound is our first sequential and it's at the end of December. IT'S FOREVER AWAY! Anyway, my boobs are sore and I'm still exhausted. Oh, and I'm moody as all hell. It doesn't take much to set me off these days. Hubby and I went to Sears tonight and I got my first pair of maternity jeans for this pregnancy. I know it's just bloat (not baby) right now but my jeans are just getting too uncomfy. Okay, off to watch The Voice.

November 29, 2012- 8w1d
Baby bean is a raspberry now. I love Wednesdays because my ticket on The Bump changes. WOO HOO I still have pretty much no symptoms. I know I'm lucky but I just WISH there was a sign I was pregnant. I have less than a month to wait for my 12w scan. I'm crazy scared and am just trying to stay positive. I think I've come up with an idea about how we'll announce the pregnancy.  I picked my baby shower theme. Thinking about things like that help make me happy...even it it's momentary. Hubby is doing laundry right now while I finish up homework and blog. He said he's trying to get used to more dishes, more laundry, and more cleaning up for baby. He said he wants to get used to the things that are "just going to be more." Maybe it's his nesting phase? I think it's his way of keeping his mind off of the fear that is consuming both of us. p.s- Candy Cane Hershey Kisses are just as amazing this year as I remember them being last year. Seriously, life changing. (No, it's not preggo related. I loved them this much last year.)

December 3, 2012- 8w5d
If you don't know what it means to have PgAL brain I envy you. Ugh.

December 4, 2012- 8w6d
I knew something was wrong. Everyone said my spotting was "normal" and a part of me wanted to believe them but I knew. We just got back from the doctor and she confirmed we lost our little one. She called it "horrible terrible bad luck" and assured us we will, eventually, have our precious little one.  She reassured us that it's no one's fault and we just happened to be the 1 in 5 who lose the baby at 8 weeks. It is what it is. We'll be okay; we still have each other...and we have all of you. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you really isn't enough to express how much your love and support means to us. I was supposed to leave for Utah tomorrow to celebrate the PRIDE award I received. So much for that; I'll be spending the day at the hospital instead.

~~Thanks for reading and for loving us the way that you do.~~


  1. This may not mean very much, coming from a stranger, but... I am so, so sorry for your loss. I wish you all the strength, healing, and peace that you can find in the coming days, months, and years.

    1. It means a lot, Megan. Many of the comments and much of the private feedback I've received came from strangers. Part of my sharing my journey is letting women, friends and strangers alike, know they're not alone. Your kindness is very much appreciated.

  2. I am so very sorry for your loss, Amanda. Please know I am here for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. No, no, no. I can't tell you how sad I am to read this Amanda. I was so excited as I started to read through and just didn't quite believe it when I read about the miscarriage. I have tears in my eyes. We should be exempt from this "regular" bad luck stuff in pregnancies. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing good, healing thoughts to you and your DH.

  4. Oh Honey... I didn't see any of this when I sent you that text yesterday. I am praying for you and your family.

    I love you and am here.


  5. My heart hurts for you and Dave. Sending love and hugs your way. XXOO

  6. I can't even begin to say how sorry I am for you loss. I am crying for you right now. I know we're far apart, but if you need anything, please let me know.