Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Been a Hot Minute

Hi there!

Soooooo, I haven't blogged in what feels like FOREVER. In the past few weeks I've had a few friends ask me why I stopped blogging. I have to say, it was special to hear people missed my words. This blog started as a therapeutic tool to help me heal. It has turned into so much more and I'm grateful to all of the wonderful friends I've met through the blog site. So, hopefully this is the first of many more consistent blogs. :) I'll try not to take so much time off between entries...

Well, this year started off pretty freaking crappy. We all know what happened in December (if you don't, read this entry) and that just pushed me deep down into a dark dark place. I wasn't in a good place and had a really tough time climbing my way out. I am happy to say I'm in a good place now. I wasn't sure how or if I'd pull through, but the strength of self is amazing and I made it.

This has been the greatest summer in a really really long time. I was able to get back into the Philly music scene and I'm THRILLED to be there. I didn't realize how much I missed the original music scene until I got back in! I've discovered a few "new" local bands and I'm loving it. I also got to spend some real quality time with ALL of my best friends....specifically those that live way too far for my liking. I spent July 4th with my Leighski and the family W and then went down to FL to see NessaBear and all of her girls. I got to meet her future hubby and helped Vanessa pick the most beautiful wedding dress. It was an honor to be there for that special day. I saw New Kids on the Block TWICE in two days and Donnie Wahlberg is now following me on Twitter. Yes, I died and still check it almost daily to make sure it wasn't a dream. (Are you on Twitter? Follow me at @Champagne37!) Hubby and I went on the most extraordinary vacation to Mexico to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary and we're already planning a return visit. It was absolutely incredible and we cannot wait to be back there. You can check out my review of the resort here.

Oh, did I mention that I graduated with my Master's in April? Yeah, that happened too! Now I just need a J-O-B! Know anyone who may work for a company that's actually hiring? #toughoutthere

So anyway, thank you for your patience in waiting for my triumphant return to the blogging world. I'M BACK, BABY.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

A Fallen Hero

Anyone who knows me knows that Chicago Fire has quickly become my favorite show on TV. The pilot episode was intense as we saw a firefighter lose is life in the line of duty. With consultants from the real Chicago Fire Department the show does a great job documenting the lives of the brothers and sisters of Chicago Firehouse 51. I think I've always had a fascination with firefighters and the idea that there are men out there that choose a profession that, by design, puts them in immediate danger every time they're called to duty.

Growing up my mom always told me that firemen were the only "civil servants" that you should want to see sitting around. We'd drive by fire houses and see the guys all sitting around a table or standing out front of the house just hanging out. I'd ask why they weren't working and she always said it was better that way because it meant that everyone would be going home to their family. As young as I was when the message started, I understood. I grew up with such a great respect for firemen and her message has been with me since I can remember.

Yesterday my hubby, my best friend, and I spent the day with Philly's 2nd Alarmers at their Annual Phillies' tailgate. It was a great time with great friends for a greater organization and we had a blast. We bought some raffle tickets with hopes of winning but only expectations of supporting the cause. Around 6:15 we checked the winning numbers and realized we won the "Fire Basket." We got a Fire Department lanyard, mug, sticker, sweatshirt, and blanket. So cool!

Little did I know that just minutes before the drawing a fire ignited in the Queen Village section of Philadelphia. As our brave PFD responded to the call of duty, we continued the party in their honor, not knowing what was happening just a few neighborhoods away from where we stood. Sadly, one of our city's bravest lost his life that night. The news coverage has been emotional as our city comes together to honor this fallen hero. I didn't know Captain Michael Goodwin but the loss still hit me. I have friends in the department and I know how strong the bond of brotherhood can be. I feel sadness for their loss, for his family's loss, and for our city's loss.

I know I can't do much but I do think it's important that we honor his memory and support his family with our gratitude, love, and prayers. The Mayor has ordered all flags be flown at half-mast for the next 30 days. I don't have a flag to fly but my Facebook profile picture will remain the PFD mourning badge for these 30 days.  It isn't much but it's something. I will continue to keep his family, our PFD, and all of our emergency responders in my thoughts and prayers.

We can never forget or take for granted the service, sacrifice, and extraordinary responsibility that fall to our firefighters. And next time I drive by a firehouse and see the men all there, safe and sound, I'll say a little prayer of thanks to whomever is watching over them keeping them safe that day and always. I ask that you do the same...

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Blog For Choice Day

Today is the 40th anniversary of the landmark decision in Roe v Wade. In honor of this anniversary, it is national Blog for Choice Day. So, here is my blog for choice...

I spent my entire life being pro-choice for America and pro-life for myself. In fact, my mom tells me that as a teenager I told her that if I ever got pregnant I'd keep the baby. To this she replied, "then you better not get pregnant while you're living in this house 'cause I'm done raising babies." That pro-life mentality stayed with me through college as I worked to achieve my goal of becoming the first college graduate in my family. I was educated and took care of myself as a woman. (Side note, without Planned Parenthood I would not have received women specific health care in college. So, thank you PP.)

I considered myself pro-life until September 2, 2011 when I was presented with the most devastating news I ever hope to hear. My much wanted, already much loved baby was not going to survive the pregnancy; I had a CHOICE to make. Together with my doctor and my husband, and through a broken heart and many tears, I made the choice to terminate my pregnancy. I experienced so many emotions related to the news, our decision, and the aftermath of our decision that my head was spinning. Sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, relief, and everything in between, I felt it all. The bottom line is, I felt it. My husband felt it. Our family and friends felt it. Strangers did not.

So, when strangers react to my blogs and posts with hateful comments and aggressive name-calling, I can only shake my head. I've been called some pretty heinous names and have had some pretty heated debates. I've been ridiculed and judged, even by loved ones, and have been offended on way too many occasions. It used to really bother me because I felt like no one was listening. I'm not the uneducated, unwed, unemployed, abortion addict that pro-life extremists like to pretend that I am. I am one class away from finishing my Master's degree. I have been with the same man for 10-1/2 years and we've been married for 4-1/2. I wake up every morning and commute to a full-time job where I work 50+ hours per week. I've never been arrested and take pride in my volunteer work. I come home to a house that I own and cherish quiet nights at home with my family and friends. I am not the embodiment of evil that many like to accuse me of being. I am a woman who was faced with a very difficult situation and who was lucky enough to have the strength, knowledge, courage, support, and freedom to make the choice that was right for her family.

We all have the right to our opinions; I don't want to take that freedom away from anyone. With that said, NO ONE has the right to judge anyone for their personal decisions, decisions that have zero impact on anyone outside the family making that choice. You don't get to make me feel bad for choosing my own path without also having the compassion to listen to the why behind our decision. I'm not asking you to agree with me; I'm just asking you to listen with an open-mind.

While I have always been politically active and passionate, the debate over women's rights has suddenly became much more personal and much more important to me. I decided to share our story because I don't want any woman to feel alone in her pain. I don't want women to feel shamed into silence. I want to remind extremists that not every abortion is a result of promiscuity to get rid of an unwanted baby. There is a whole other side to this debate and that side needs to be heard. If I have to tell our story in a million ways a million times on a million forums, I will. I pledge this commitment to women everywhere who have ever been judged, silenced, or shamed for their decisions. You are not now, nor will you ever be, alone.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Another New Chapter...

I was going to blog tonight about how sick I am of being told I'm different. The blog was going to be about how many people tell me "your story is different" in terms of the abortion debate. No, I'm not one of the disgusting human beings that uses abortion as a form of birth control. Those women should be spayed. But, in the debate as it stands today, I'm not different. If you take away the right to choose you take away the right of women like me everywhere. Yes, the issue needs to be discussed and stories like ours need to be told AND HEARD. K, enough about that...this blog is taking a different direction.

So, our doctor called tonight. She received the results of the baby's tests and it looks like it was the same issue as last year. Baby no. 2 had full triploidy. Hubby isn't convinced that baby no. 1 had it and is going to call the surgeon from last year tomorrow. I'm about 110% sure that it was full triploidy and that hubby must have been listening with his man ears when we received those results. But, I understand his need to be sure so I encourage his call tomorrow.

Full triploidy is rare in its first occurrence. Our chance at having another baby with the same issue was no greater than a woman that had no pregnancies with baby's with genetic abnormalities. (ps- That is the ugliest term!) Supposedly it's all just "a freak accident" and "purely bad luck." Yeah yeah yeah..... I am doing my best to stay away from the Internet right now. I don't want Dr. Google to tell me ANYTHING so I'm just steering clear. That's why I'm here and why you have something to read right now. (Thanks, by the way.)

In February of 2011 I went for Jewish Genetic Counseling at the Victor Center. My mom is your typical Jewish mother and needed me to go for her own piece of mind. I went for her and 18 out of the 19 tests came back negative. My Tay-Sachs test was inconclusive so as a result of this latest pregnancy issue, hubby has to go get tested. I'm not too worried about that because my mom was not a carrier and the chance that I am is slim. The chance that hubby is a carrier is probably even more slim, which means the chance we're both carries (and could pass the disease on to a baby) is even more slim. But hey, we've beat slim odds before so who freakin' knows. In addition to having hubby tested to see if he's a Tay-Sachs carrier, we also have to go for "preconception genetic counseling." I'm trying not to freak out but it's hard. We've only had the news for about 2 hours now and I've already shed a shit ton of tears. (I truly believe that tears are natures way of cleansing the soul so if you need to cry....CRY!)

Your first thought when you hear that there could be issues with your genetics is, naturally, to ask "why me." You immediately think of the worst case scenario and pull the "it's not fair" card. You think about all of the people to which you think life comes easy. You think about all of the women you've watched get pregnant and go on to have healthy babies who don't really "deserve" to be moms. (This is not to say I wish pain or heartache on anyone at all. I'm just being honest about the emotions and feelings that come with the situation that hubby and I are facing.) You start thinking about what you did to deserve this. It's all irrational but it's all okay to feel and you HAVE to let yourself feel every emotion. I know life isn't fair but I'm allowed to be mad, and jealous, and resentful, and sad, and confused. I'm also allowed to say it all out loud and let my feelings happen. I've had to work hard for everything I have in my life. Statistics say I should be everything that I'm not: a drop out, uneducated, unemployed, on welfare, etc. I've fought hard to get where I am today and once, just once, I want something in life to come easy and just go the right way. I want it to be this.

I'm not one for self-pity and I try not to feel sorry for myself. I really do believe that we're given only what we can handle. (Even though I believe that G-d and I sometimes have different parameters for what my limits actually are.) With that said, I do feel lucky in so many ways. Though we're embarking on another scary chapter in what has been a tragic story, I do have a lot of really wonderful things in my life. There are a lot of things that have gone "right" and I'm thankful for each one. Hands down, I have the best husband in the entire world. Secondly, my mom is the most extraordinary woman I know and I am very lucky that I am the one that gets to call her mommy. Lastly, my friends are the most wonderful family I could ever know. I'm grateful for each and every person in my life and I find it difficult to put into words what they all mean to me. (Imagine that! Me, no words!)

So, maybe we are experiencing all of this tragedy because we have the strength and support to get through it. Maybe we are going through this so that a couple who wouldn't be able to handle it can have an easy pregnancy and the family they'll cherish. Maybe we're facing these issues because someone up there knows we'll be the voice for so many women/families who are silenced by fear and shame. Who knows, right?

Whatever the reason, what I do know is that we'll get through this and we'll be better people for having experienced it together. So, as I tell my students when they want to give up: onward and upward. 


Monday, December 24, 2012

The Light

So one of my very best friends from high school recently found my blog. He and I hadn't been in touch for about 10 years and we reconnected a little over two months ago. It's always nice to reconnect with special people and it has been great catching up. Last week he read my blog for the first time and told me he thought it was dark. Not gonna lie... I was a little offended. I don't think it's dark; I think that it's honest. There are days when I feel dark and if my blog reflects that then so be it. Anyway, he recommended that I blog about all of the positive/good things in my life. While it's impossible to list everything that is good in my life, there are a few things for which I'm grateful EVERY SINGLE DAY. So, here goes:
  • Hubby: I meant what I said on your birthday. You make it all okay and I couldn't do it without you. Thanks for choosing me for your forever. Love you. Love your show.
  • Momma: You amaze me every day and have for the last 32 years. I only hope I can be half the mom to my child(ren) that you were to me. I am who I am (good and bad) because of you. (Well, except the OCD.)
  • Sister: Twenty-one years and you're not sick of me; you deserve a medal. You are (always have been and always will be) my person. I love you always.
  • My girls: They say our friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Thank you for choosing me and for always being there. The bonds that tie us are unbreakable and I'm thankful every day that I can call you my family.
  • Jake & Sara: You are my heart and I couldn't love you more. Jake, thank you for ALWAYS making me smile. Sara, it has been way too long since we've seen each other but I love you every single day. I hope you both know that I will ALWAYS be here for you for anything that you need.
  • My work family: Simply stated, I love you guys; you make my every day worth it. Thanks for all the laughs and love.
  • My friends: I don't know what to say other than I FREAKING LOVE YOU.
  • My GSC family: I am who I am because of you. Whether it's a week, a month, a year, or more, we're family and I cherish that always. My memories of our time(s) together fill my heart with such joy. I am thankful for every memory we made in our home away from home.
  • Puppers: I know you can't read but you are my love. Your kisses make my bad days better and my good days great. Thanks for knowing exactly what I need and for being the best cuddle-bugger ever.
  • The Internet: THANK YOU Al Gore (kidding!) for making it possible for me to stay connected to everyone. I love knowing that with just a click we can reconnect and check-in to let each other know we're thinking of the other. Let's try to do it in person more frequently.
  • My former campers: Many of us are still in touch and some of you even read this blog. Please know how special you made my summers. I learned more from you in those years than I could ever have hoped to teach you. I am so proud of the young men and women you have become.
  • New Kids on the Block: You have brought a smile to my face since 1988. You filled my childhood with love and excitement and taught me how to dance like no one is watching. Your reunion reminded me that dreams really can come true if you never give up. Thanks for making this only child one of a million sisters.  (Readers: you can make fun of me all you want for having them on my list. I'm dancing like no one is watching and I don't care.)
  • Ellen: Thanks for proving that kindness and generosity are the most beautiful accessories we can wear. You inspire me every day.
  • The little things: You matter so much and I'm thankful that I know that.
  • The person who told me to write this blog: Thank you. You are very special to me and I love you.
(These are in no particular order by the way!)

With that, I'm going to sign off. This blog could wind up being a million words long because I'm that lucky. While the last two years have been a struggle for our family, I've never lost sight of the fact that I'm a pretty lucky lady. I have a great husband, an awesome mom, amazeballs friends, and a job that allows me to help people (almost) every day. Yes, some days are dark but that's okay because no day lasts forever.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Is it January yet?

December has got to be the worst month of the year to have a miscarriage. You get to spend the entire month looking at pictures of kids. You also get to see lots of pregnancy announcements. Ugh. It's like nature's cruel way of reminding you of everything you don't have. IT SUCKS. On top of that, December is the month that my husband and I celebrate our birthdays. Yeah, not this year; I'm not into it. I plan on skipping my birthday except to go out with my work family and get wasted. Yep, that's how I'm celebrating.

I also plan on skipping the holidays this year. I'm not into it and I have no interest in pretending that I am. I don't want to be a debbie downer and ruin the holiday for anyone else so I think I'm just going to stay home. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy. I don't want to have to listen to people tell me that it'll be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I don't want the "hold a little tighter" hugs with the "I'm so sorry" message. I get that it comes from a good place, I really do, but sometimes it just makes the pain worse. I don't want to hang out with our pregnant friends and family and pretend that I'm not in pain. So, for everyone's benefit I'm just going to skip this "holly jolly" time. It's not meant to hurt anyone's feelings and honestly, this year isn't about anyone else but me. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it is. I need to concentrate on me. I need to deal with all of this in my own way so that I can continue to move forward. We all handle pain in different ways and we have to let ourselves cope in our own personal way. My head and my heart are telling me that this is what I need and I'm going to listen.

Our experience this year was very different than our experience last year. This year, nature made the decision for us. Last year, we made the decision. This year, the day of surgery was much easier than last year. Last year, I gave myself time to cope and deal with my emotions. This year, I jumped right back into life and "moved on." Last year I didn't play the "why us" game. This year, I play it every day. Honestly, I think it has something to do with the time of year that everything happened. As much as I love seeing the holiday cards from our friends, it's painful. Yes, I'm thrilled you all have happy healthy families and I love your kids like I would love my own. Hopefully you know that. BUT, this year it's different. It's a little more painful than it is joyful and that sucks. I think that adds another dimension of emotion to all of this too. I not only get to feel my own pain but then I also get to feel guilty about all of that. Blah.

The bottom line is: December is just a shitty effing month for life to veer off course. The upside is that December won't last forever and in exactly two weeks it'll be a new month in a new year with a chance for new beginnings.

May 2013 bring you joy, happiness, laughter, and love.

Monday, October 22, 2012

What You Haven't Been Told....Until Now

October 22, 2012- 3w2d
October 22, 2012
I've been tired lately. I've been waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I've had heartburn like I've never known before. Something is up. I woke up this morning with a great energy. I took my final exam and felt really good about it. I watched some TV and played with the dog a little. Easy peasy...normal Monday Funday. Then suddenly, I felt like crap. It was around 4:15 and I decided to take a nap. I told hubby to wake me up at 5 (I only wanted a short nap) but he said I looked comfy and he decided he'd just let me sleep. I woke up around 6 and didn't feel very refreshed. What the heck? We watched a little TV and I had to pee....again. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm supposed to get my period in 5 days so I'm within my "early result window." I peed on the stick expecting the same result I've had for the last few months: negative. Well, surprise surprise! Two little lines appeared within a minute. I smiled and silently walked out of the bathroom into the living room. Hubby was sitting on the computer and I slid the stick into his line of vision. It wasn't expected as he didn't know I had taken the test so it took a minute for him to register just what I was showing to him. He smiled and said "that looks like a pretty faint line." I told him the color didn't matter, just that it was there.  His smile got bigger and he leaned in and gave me a hug and a kiss. Here we go....again. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I know too much about what can go wrong and I'm afraid I'll be too overcome with worry and fear to enjoy this pregnancy. My only hope is that our angel is watching over his or her younger sibling (and us.) Let the journey begin...

October 23, 2012- 3w3d
Took another test with my "first morning pee." Yep, still positive.

October 24, 2012- 3w4d
Took another test when I got home from work. Still pregnant!

October 25, 2012- 3w5d
I called the doctor today. I'm waiting to hear back from him to see if he wants to see me or if I should wait for a "normal" appointment at 8 weeks. I'm about 99% sure that I am 3weeks5days today. It's so early! It's both exciting and terrifying to know this early. I'm trying not to get too too excited because I know how much can go wrong but it's hard. I'm thrilled. Hubby is thrilled. Our friends are thrilled. Yes, I've told a few folks. I know it's way too early but I couldn't keep it in. There are still a few people I need to tell but I'm trying to find a fun way. I know everyone says to wait until after the 1st trimester, but who cares. We want to celebrate this news with our friends. They're the ones who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives and we'll need them again if Gd forbid something happens. We had a lot of people who didn't know we were even pregnant last year until they read the blog and discovered something was wrong. This time, we want to enjoy it with our friends, even if it is only for a short time. (Ahhh, I hate even saying that but it's true.) I'm calling the baby "baby bean" and talk to it often. I know it's the size of a pen tip right now but I don't care. It's my little pen tip and I love it. Not sure why "Baby Bean." I think I just said it once and it stuck. As for symptoms, it's still way too early. I do get really tired and hot and nauseous every day around 4pm but that's it.

October 29, 2012- 4w2d
Baby Bean went to her first Eagles game yesterday. Of course, they lost and played like shit. Hell, he's going to have to get used to being let down if she's going to be an Eagles fan. I just wish I could enjoy the Flyers right now...start getting the baby used to hearing me yell "SCORE." Baby will be about 2 months old with the start of the 2013-14 season. CAN'T WAIT! Right now I'm sitting here watching Hurricane Sandy outside. She's blowing the tree across the street like crazy. We moved our cars into the garage as we expect this tree to come down! EEK

October 30, 2012- 4w3d
We survived Hurricane Sandy with no damage and we never lost power! Woo Hoo!

October 31, 2012- 4w4d
Okay, I'm freaking out. I have had no symptoms for two days now. I had been really tired but now, nada. I am freaking out that something is wrong. This time in my last pregnancy I had sore and tender boobies and I was exhausted. I know that every pregnancy is different but I can't help but be scared. I'm trying not to let fear minimize my excitement but it's hard. Happy Halloween, Baby Bean!'m trying not to let my imagination run wild with "what-ifs" but boy is it hard.

November 2, 2012- 4w6d
Well, my boobs hurt. It started a little yesterday and then bam, today it hit me. At first I thought it was mental but then I bumped one on my chair at work (don't ask) and OUCH! Yeah, definitely real pain. I guess that's a good sign? I talked to the doctor today to schedule my first prenatal appointment. It'll be 11/19 and I feel like that is FOREVER and a day away. He sent me the order for the ultrasound and I have to do that the week of the 12th. They kept calling it a viability scan and it was driving me mad. I hate that word and I spent my entire morning freaking out about what could go wrong at that appointment. I'm trying not to stress myself out but man, this sucks. Time is crawling and I just want to know everything is okay!

November 5, 2012- 5w2d
I scheduled my viability/dating scan for Monday, November 12th at 10:15am. This week is going to CRAWL!

November 6, 2012- 5w3d
Happy Election Day! Minor freak out tonight. Some "normal" preggo stuff that makes someone with PgAL brain freak out probably unnecessarily. Trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

November 9, 2012- 5w6d
In 69.5 hours I will know if this baby is growing and this is a "viable" pregnancy. SOOO nervous. Plus, the word viable is so ugly. Catch ya Monday with either good news (continuing this journal unpublished) or bad news (publishing the outcome along with the journal.)

November 12, 2012- 6w2d
Well, I'm not publishing the blog today. WOO HOO We just got back from our ultrasound and baby bean is measuring 6w +/-3 days (the tech isn't allowed to give a firm date.) This is right around where I think I am (I think I'm 6w2d today.) We got to see baby bean and see the little flutter of its heart (100 bpm). I started crying. I know we've made it to this milestone before but it's one small step toward becoming a mommy this time around. Though we're no where near "safe" and I still don't feel like I can "breath easy," it's a happy happy day. So anyway, I was told to drink 32 to 40 ounces of water. I drank 40 just to be safe. (I'm an overachiever, what can I say?) We got to the appointment and I had to wait. And wait. And wait. I couldn't hold it anymore and they told me I could go "release myself" a little. I did. Twice. We got into the room and the technician told me I was still too full. She asked me to go "release another 3/4." How the hell do you measure that?  Anyway, the tech was amazed at how much liquid my bladder could hold. Always nice to impress the woman holding a wand up your who hah. (I was allowed to fully release before the internal began.) Naturally, the first thing I did was look up "normal heart rate at 6 weeks." I saw conflicting reports but the majority of what I found said 90-110 is normal. I'm going with that and staying positive. As the PgAL mantra goes: "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." Staying positive....

November 13, 2012-5w6d (Yep, I was a few days off. This is official per the ultrasound.)
The doctor called last night. She confirmed my results and said the heartbeat was actually recorded as 105 bpb. That five beats made me feel better. Not sure why. She did say I measured 6w and put my due date as July 10, 2013. SO exciting. :) Oh, this means we actually found out we were pregnant at 2w5d! ! ! !

November 19, 2012- 6w5d
We met with Dr. Stack today. He did all of the usual first prenatal appointment work. I had a pap, boobie check, weight check, blood work, and pee test.  Easy peasy. And then, the talk. I knew it was coming but I really wasn't prepared for it. Dr. Stack talked about the sequential screen and I immediate got tense and the tears starting creeping up toward my eyes. With having had a trisomy baby in the past, my chances of having another are 1% to 2% greater than a woman who never had a trisomy pregnancy. He ordered the sequential screen and we have to meet with a geneticist. He did warn us that the geneticist would offer an amnio and would "scare the shit of you." Awesome, can't wait for that. I'll be 12w around my birthday so that's about when the sequential will be. Great, nothing like spending my birthday and the holidays petrified about that appointment. I've been crying on and off all day long. I'm trying to be positive but I am also trying to let myself feel my feelings.

November 26, 2012- 7w5d
I haven't been here in a while. I've had a few freak out moments and am still trying to stay positive. Part of staying positive, for me, means not thinking about being pregnant. When I think about it too much I get freaked out. Our next appointment for an ultrasound is our first sequential and it's at the end of December. IT'S FOREVER AWAY! Anyway, my boobs are sore and I'm still exhausted. Oh, and I'm moody as all hell. It doesn't take much to set me off these days. Hubby and I went to Sears tonight and I got my first pair of maternity jeans for this pregnancy. I know it's just bloat (not baby) right now but my jeans are just getting too uncomfy. Okay, off to watch The Voice.

November 29, 2012- 8w1d
Baby bean is a raspberry now. I love Wednesdays because my ticket on The Bump changes. WOO HOO I still have pretty much no symptoms. I know I'm lucky but I just WISH there was a sign I was pregnant. I have less than a month to wait for my 12w scan. I'm crazy scared and am just trying to stay positive. I think I've come up with an idea about how we'll announce the pregnancy.  I picked my baby shower theme. Thinking about things like that help make me happy...even it it's momentary. Hubby is doing laundry right now while I finish up homework and blog. He said he's trying to get used to more dishes, more laundry, and more cleaning up for baby. He said he wants to get used to the things that are "just going to be more." Maybe it's his nesting phase? I think it's his way of keeping his mind off of the fear that is consuming both of us. p.s- Candy Cane Hershey Kisses are just as amazing this year as I remember them being last year. Seriously, life changing. (No, it's not preggo related. I loved them this much last year.)

December 3, 2012- 8w5d
If you don't know what it means to have PgAL brain I envy you. Ugh.

December 4, 2012- 8w6d
I knew something was wrong. Everyone said my spotting was "normal" and a part of me wanted to believe them but I knew. We just got back from the doctor and she confirmed we lost our little one. She called it "horrible terrible bad luck" and assured us we will, eventually, have our precious little one.  She reassured us that it's no one's fault and we just happened to be the 1 in 5 who lose the baby at 8 weeks. It is what it is. We'll be okay; we still have each other...and we have all of you. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you really isn't enough to express how much your love and support means to us. I was supposed to leave for Utah tomorrow to celebrate the PRIDE award I received. So much for that; I'll be spending the day at the hospital instead.

~~Thanks for reading and for loving us the way that you do.~~