A Year Ago Today...

My boobs are so sore. It has been a few days and I think I'm coming down with something; I'm achy. My mom came over for dinner tonight and when she hugged me goodbye I wanted to cry. IT HURT! Well come to think of it, I'm not just sore, I think my boobs are actually bigger Not only that, but I have been overly emotional this week. I've been crying at random points. Maybe I'm just getting my period? Oh hell, what's going on?!?!?

As soon as mom pulled away, hubby and I hopped in the car and drove to Target. I intended to buy IcyHot and a pregnancy test. Hubs talked me out of the IcyHot so we just got the preggo test. I got home and had to pee....come to think of it, I had been peeing a lot that week. Within seconds, that second blue line appeared. Holy shit; we're pregnant. I started yelling from the bathroom and hubby just kept saying, "are you pregnant?" I couldn't talk. You have all these grand ideas about how joyful the moment you see that line will be. You'll smile, and hug and it'll be amazing. Nope, not really. I threw up. (One of only two times I would throw up during the entire pregnancy.) We were excited, but we were scared! That was July 1, 2011 and so began the most emotionally difficult journey of our lives.

I couldn't get used to the idea that I was pregnant. Are we ready? Can we afford this? Will we be good parents? Are you going to wake up at 6:00am to put my shoes on for me when I can't bend over to do it? This baby is going to be due in March. What if it's snowing? How is Foster going to be with a baby? Shit, we have to get a room ready. What if it's a girl? What will we name her? What if it's a boy? What will we name him? Oh no, if my calculations are right we're going to miss Michael's first birthday. Our friends are going to freak out. Who will we name as the godparents? What if my water breaks and I'm on the El? I wonder if I'll be able to adjust my hours at work. What will we do for daycare? Should we move to the suburbs before the kid starts school?
AHHHHHHH THIS IS SCARY!

Here we are a full year from that night and SO much has happened. I got promoted. Hubby got a new job. A billion friends have given birth to beautiful baby boys and girls. The nursery is painted a beautiful shade of yellow. And we still do not have a baby. At 12 weeks 5 days into the pregnancy we got the devastating news that our baby had a fatal prenatal diagnosis. At 13 weeks 5 days, we terminated the pregnancy via a D&E. While it was the most difficult and painful decision to make, we know in our heart of hearts it was the RIGHT decision. Even a year later, knowing our baby should be approaching 4 months old, we know it was the right decision.

I have mostly good days now. I still think about what we've been through but I have learned to cope. It still makes me sad and there are still nights that I cry, but for the most part I'd say I'm okay. The thought of being pregnant again, whenever that happens, both thrills and petrifies me. There are days I want to be pregnant yesterday and there are days I'm too scared to even imagine it.   Whatever happens, baby or no baby, hubby and I will be okay. We've got a lot of love to share and an amazing support system to help us through anything. We are so so blessed. But, here we are...July 1, 2012 and I'm pretty emotional. These "milestones" as they're so inappropriately called are tough. Luckily an old friend, with whom I thought I had lost touch, took me out to dinner and to the casino for a night of fun and laughter. It was exactly what I needed and he'll never really know what tonight meant to me.

Here is a quick list of our Summer 2011 "milestones."

• July 1st: Found out we were pregnant via at-home test. 
• July 11th: Doctor officially confirmed we were pregnant. 
• July 18th: First ultrasound/saw the heartbeat.
•  August 8th: Heard the heartbeat/Told my mom she was going to be a Bubby!
• August 14th: Told Hubby's parents/sister they'd be grandparents/aunt.
• September 2nd: Got the sad news that our baby would not survive and had a fatal diagnosis.
• September 8th: Final ultrasound. (Did not watch or listen.... too painful.)
• September 9th: Terminated the pregnancy.
• November 4th: Got the test results back to confirm triploidy, and received the wonderful news that the disorder is NOT genetic and has less than a 1% chance of occurring in a future pregnancy.

So today begins my summer of milestones. I'm not looking forward to reliving the pain we felt last year but I will not avoid it. I will confront each memory with strength, compassion and sadness. I will continue to share my story with women everywhere to let them know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  September is going to be tough, but I'm ready. I have received so much love and support, especially through this blog, and I know I'll get through it.

Here's to our happy ending, however it happens....