Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I feel amazing. I logged on to the blog tonight just to see if it was getting any traffic, not really expecting to find anything too exciting. To my surprise, four more countries have visited! !  ! Last I checked, about a week ago, I had readers in six countries. WE'RE UP TO TEN NOW! I am so honored that you take the time to read my story and share in my life and I want to thank you.

This blog started as a way for me to get my feelings out. Those of you who know me well know that I live (and love) to write. It's the way I prefer to communicate and have always found it easy to put my feelings into words. I needed a place to express everything I was feeling and figured a blog was the best way. It is so much more than that now, more than I ever expected.

This blog has become my way to share my story with women (and families) everywhere that have gone through (or are going through) similar pains. I have received such amazing feedback from strangers everywhere and it feels so good. When I first started to share my story and document my feelings, I was petrified. Now that I know my story is helping so many families it's so much easier.

Through all of the negative comments that people have tried to leave on these pages, I have persevered, never giving up on my mission to share my story in an honest and open way. Your support has carried me through the hardest days and I know I couldn't have done it without you. I welcome your comments and look forward to sharing more of my story with you. Who knows, maybe we'll have some good news to share soon!

Please take a minute and click "follow" (on the right.) Show my readers everywhere that you support them too.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

About The Hubby....

My hubby is amazing; there is no denying that. He is not, however, the most comfortable when it comes to dealing with any sort of emotion. Needless to say, he had a REALLY hard time dealing with losing the baby. It took a good six months before he could even talk about it. I let him deal in his own time, never wanting to push him beyond his comfort zone.

While I was dealing with feeling like my body failed me and the devastation of having to terminate the pregnancy I was a hot mess. I really couldn't function. I pretty much just sat on my couch looking at the TV. I'd say watching but I can't recall a single thing about the week between 9/2/11 and 9/9/11 except trying to go to work on Tuesday and turning around after walking about 3 houses away from my own. Oh, and I remember freaking out at our pre-surgical appointment when the doctor surprised me with one last ultrasound. Ugh. During that week, and immediately thereafter, my husband was EVERYTHING. He scheduled our appointments. He cleaned up the house. He cooked. He made sure I ate. And he worked! (Oh, and he organized it so that my mom could return the $100 worth of Destination Maternity clothes that we bought just an hour before finding out something was wrong. Yeah, never gonna do THAT again! Shop AFTER the appointment, not before!) I was an emotional wreck and really couldn't understand how my hubby was functioning. Now I know; he HAD to be functional. He had to be strong enough for the both of us or EVERYTHING would've fallen apart. It wasn't until after we got the test results back (early November), and found out triploidy is not genetic, that he was able to start mourning our loss and coping with his grief.

Recently we decided to paint what would have been, and what eventually will be, our nursery. When we found out we were pregnant we decided to paint the room yellow. For months after we ended the pregnancy, I couldn't even look at the door to the room; it was too painful. Finally, about a month and a half ago, I decided I wanted to paint the room yellow. Why wait, right?  We went to Home Depot and bought the paint. As per our usual, it was an easy decision on which we agreed right away. Hubby starting painting the room right away. He tackled it late at night when he got home from work and day by day I started to see it transforming from it's dull and old blue to a vibrant and lively yellow. I helped a bit with the outlining (hubby says I'm better than he is at trim work) and then let him get back to work. All is done except one wall and a 2nd coat. So exciting!

Yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen talking about how great the room looked. Hubby looked me in the eye and told me how hard it has been to paint. I was surprised! He has been so productive in there that I just assumed it was easy peasy. Nope. He told me how every time he's in there he thinks about how it should have been done six months ago and by now should be full of baby stuff. It was hard for him to admit and his first statement after he released his thoughts was, "don't write a blog about this." I told him I wouldn't and then he said it was okay. He said he's proud of this blog and how much it's helping people. (Thank you all for the feedback and support, by the way.) It was an amazing moment, especially when he said that painting the room "has helped me get mentally ready for a baby." We've had a few talks over the last few weeks about when it'll be the "right time" to try and each conversation ended without an answer. Though it was hard, I had to be okay with it. I had to let my husband heal in his own time, without adding pressure to his intense emotions.

I'm glad he said I could write about his revelation because it's important for us women to know that our men deal with our loss differently. It's not about whose pain is worse; you can't quantify pain. I dealt intensely and immediately. My hubby's immediate reaction was to ignore the pain and push it deep down inside him where he didn't need to face it. When he did finally face it, he dealt intensely and privately. We didn't really discuss it. Sometimes that hurt me, but I kept reading my books and talking to my support group and was always reminded that everyone has to have the freedom to cope in their own way. I think this is what saved us from being one of the couples that a situation like this can break. We gave each other the freedom to be ourselves without ever passing judgement on how the other was handling the pain. If I had to say that anything good came from this experience, it is that I have a new respect for what kind of man I married, and what kind of man will be my baby's role model.

So ladies, let your man deal in his own way. Let him avoid, face, ignore, acknowledge, suppress or confront in his own way and in his own time. Don't push him to deal with you, as long as he's supporting you. Don't force the conversations you are dying to have...reach out to a support system that is able, at that time, to be what you need it to be. And to the men reading this, know that we know you are experiencing the loss right along with us, albeit in a different way. We understand that your pain comes from losing your baby and from being scared for your wife/girlfriend. We know your innate need to be strong. Know that your time to cope will come and we'll be waiting to support you through it. We'll be your shoulder to cry on whenever you're ready. Because we are in this together!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms reading this. You have the hardest job on the plant and are amazing.

I've struggled this week, knowing today should have been my first official mother's day as a mom. I have two wonderful godchildren so I've celebrated before, but today should have been my day to celebrate with my own little one. A day when my  husband would spoil me and honor my new role as a mommy. Unfortunately, as you know by now, we don't have our angel with us. Does that mean I'm not a mom? I asked myself this question all day every day all week. Thanks to the wonderful women in my support groups for giving me my answer.....yes, I'm a mom.

A woman in our group posted a beautiful poem (the first one posted on the site) that answered my question. In it, one stanza screamed out to me. It reads: "Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay. I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today If you could see your child smile with other kids and say “We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here." It hit home.

When we made the decision to terminate our pregnancy it was the most difficult choice with which we've ever been faced, both as individuals and as a couple. Our baby would not have survived the pregnancy and there was potential for danger to me should we allow the pregnancy to progress. With heavy hearts and tear filled eyes, we terminated at 13 weeks 5 days knowing we were consciously ending our journey to parenthood, at least for the time being. At the time, and for many months following, we were too pained to even consider trying to become parents again. No way. No how. Not gonna do it.

So if I made the decision to end my pregnancy, how can I consider myself a mom? Two of the greatest lessons I've learned from my mom are those of unconditional love and selflessness. That's what moms do. They love their kids no matter what. Maybe your kid isn't the poster of perfection but you love them anyway, right? Moms are selfless, always putting the feelings and needs of their children far ahead of their own. They take on their children's pain so as to protect their kids from having to hurt. When your baby is sick, you do everything you can to take away the pain and make the hurt go away. It is this maternal drive of unconditional love and selflessness that led us to our decision. I didn't make this decision because I didn't love our baby. She (I have this strange feeling it was a girl) wasn't perfect, and that was okay. We loved that little lemon (that's how big we were told the baby was likely to be at 13 weeks 5 days). We made this decision to take away our baby's pain and put it on ourselves.  We ended our baby's suffering and swallowed the fear, sadness, anger, hopelessness and hate ourselves. It was the hardest act of parenthood that we hope to ever face. It was however, the best decision we could make, as parents, for our family.

Though my angel is not physically with me today, she is in my heart and my thoughts always. I am a mom. And today I'm going to celebrate that. I'm going to celebrate with my mom, the best woman on the planet. This blog would be way too long if I told you what makes her so great. She just....is. I hope that someday I am half the mom she is. 

Mom, you are, and always will be, my hero. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy.

Monday, May 7, 2012

What's New?!

Good Morning! I haven't blogged in a while so I figured I'd come just catch you up. I figured this blog would be about nothing but then I saw I had a comment to approve. Oooooh, who has been reading? Well, the answer is some jerk. It was a nasty comment; I haven't received any of those in quite some time so it did take me a bit by surprise. It shocks me how ignorant some people can be. I'll address this moron, in case they come back to read, and then I'll catch you up on life.

This idiot wasn't man (or woman) enough to leave a name; the comment was posted by "anonymous." Man up. If you want to call me names and tell me that I'm a baby killer, tell me your name. Allow me the courtesy to know who is so ignorant; I hope you're reading this. I hope you realize I rejected your comment and won't be posting it so you can feel free to stop visiting the blog. Know that I am praying for you, praying that you and your family are able to avoid, forever, the heartache and devastation that come with having to make such a difficult decision. I also pray that if someone you are close to is dealt this hand you have enough compassion for that person to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. I'm not a baby killer I don't consider what I did murder. I never will, regardless of how many ignorant and rude comments I receive and regardless of how many names you call me. If this didn't break me, I can sure as hell promise you that your words won't break me either.

Life has been pretty busy. My boss is still on maternity leave so I'm doing a lot of extra work at work. It sometimes means 10 hour days and then work when I get home, but it's worth it. The team, I think, has felt supported and with all of the changes we're experiencing that's my top priority. Tomorrow starts a round of national trainings and my calendar through the end of May is CRAZY. It makes the days pass quickly though so I can't complain. We have a new president and he seems like a great guy. He's got great energy and optimism, which we need right now. Now, if he can overcome the two issues  in our main location he'll be my hero. Only time will tell....

I voted earlier this month. I was really pulling for Patrick Murphy for Attorney General. Unfortunately, he didn't win and our Democratic nominee is Kathleen Kane. She is against the ultrasound bill, which is obviously an important issue to me, and I hope she pulls through with the win. We have to get the Republicans out of that office to balance out the idiocy in our Governor's office right now.  His term cannot end soon enough.

Other than that, nothing is really new. Hubby and I are considering a vacation. We may just wind up in AC a few times but we'll see. We've also decided to put off trying for a baby until July/August. We're really trying to avoid having a due date near our last one. It would be too hard. I'm hoping to get pregnant in August/September and then I can have a May/June baby. Birthday parties outside! ! ! Obviously, we'll take the blessing whenever it happens. We're both still scared of the idea but we're ready to welcome a little one into our family.

Okay, enough catching up. Thanks for reading!

p.s- If you haven't read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, READ IT! You and your hubby/wife will thank me for the recommendation.