I also plan on skipping the holidays this year. I'm not into it and I have no interest in pretending that I am. I don't want to be a debbie downer and ruin the holiday for anyone else so I think I'm just going to stay home. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy. I don't want to have to listen to people tell me that it'll be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I don't want the "hold a little tighter" hugs with the "I'm so sorry" message. I get that it comes from a good place, I really do, but sometimes it just makes the pain worse. I don't want to hang out with our pregnant friends and family and pretend that I'm not in pain. So, for everyone's benefit I'm just going to skip this "holly jolly" time. It's not meant to hurt anyone's feelings and honestly, this year isn't about anyone else but me. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it is. I need to concentrate on me. I need to deal with all of this in my own way so that I can continue to move forward. We all handle pain in different ways and we have to let ourselves cope in our own personal way. My head and my heart are telling me that this is what I need and I'm going to listen.
Our experience this year was very different than our experience last year. This year, nature made the decision for us. Last year, we made the decision. This year, the day of surgery was much easier than last year. Last year, I gave myself time to cope and deal with my emotions. This year, I jumped right back into life and "moved on." Last year I didn't play the "why us" game. This year, I play it every day. Honestly, I think it has something to do with the time of year that everything happened. As much as I love seeing the holiday cards from our friends, it's painful. Yes, I'm thrilled you all have happy healthy families and I love your kids like I would love my own. Hopefully you know that. BUT, this year it's different. It's a little more painful than it is joyful and that sucks. I think that adds another dimension of emotion to all of this too. I not only get to feel my own pain but then I also get to feel guilty about all of that. Blah.