Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Is it January yet?

December has got to be the worst month of the year to have a miscarriage. You get to spend the entire month looking at pictures of kids. You also get to see lots of pregnancy announcements. Ugh. It's like nature's cruel way of reminding you of everything you don't have. IT SUCKS. On top of that, December is the month that my husband and I celebrate our birthdays. Yeah, not this year; I'm not into it. I plan on skipping my birthday except to go out with my work family and get wasted. Yep, that's how I'm celebrating.

I also plan on skipping the holidays this year. I'm not into it and I have no interest in pretending that I am. I don't want to be a debbie downer and ruin the holiday for anyone else so I think I'm just going to stay home. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy. I don't want to have to listen to people tell me that it'll be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I don't want the "hold a little tighter" hugs with the "I'm so sorry" message. I get that it comes from a good place, I really do, but sometimes it just makes the pain worse. I don't want to hang out with our pregnant friends and family and pretend that I'm not in pain. So, for everyone's benefit I'm just going to skip this "holly jolly" time. It's not meant to hurt anyone's feelings and honestly, this year isn't about anyone else but me. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it is. I need to concentrate on me. I need to deal with all of this in my own way so that I can continue to move forward. We all handle pain in different ways and we have to let ourselves cope in our own personal way. My head and my heart are telling me that this is what I need and I'm going to listen.

Our experience this year was very different than our experience last year. This year, nature made the decision for us. Last year, we made the decision. This year, the day of surgery was much easier than last year. Last year, I gave myself time to cope and deal with my emotions. This year, I jumped right back into life and "moved on." Last year I didn't play the "why us" game. This year, I play it every day. Honestly, I think it has something to do with the time of year that everything happened. As much as I love seeing the holiday cards from our friends, it's painful. Yes, I'm thrilled you all have happy healthy families and I love your kids like I would love my own. Hopefully you know that. BUT, this year it's different. It's a little more painful than it is joyful and that sucks. I think that adds another dimension of emotion to all of this too. I not only get to feel my own pain but then I also get to feel guilty about all of that. Blah.

The bottom line is: December is just a shitty effing month for life to veer off course. The upside is that December won't last forever and in exactly two weeks it'll be a new month in a new year with a chance for new beginnings.

May 2013 bring you joy, happiness, laughter, and love.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Amanda! Sue Kocet directed me to your blog. I wanted to get in touch with you because some of the things you said in the above post, are my thoughts exactly right now and I'm having a really rough time with things too. Although our experiences are different, our feelings and emotions are a lot alike. Feel free to visit my blog and/or email me to talk anytime. http://brandi-ontheweb.blogspot.com or brandibloom07@gmail.com