Da Magical City

If you work with me, it's probably not a surprise to you that I'm writing about my trip. I LOVE this place and have been talking about  it for the last month and a half. When I was asked to come for training (Thanks, Deb!) I was so excited. There's just something about this place...


The first time I came to visit Chicago (October 2010) I was here for finance training and it was a two week trip. At first I felt like that was way too long but I knew the hubby was coming for the weekend and that I'd meet folks. Good trade off. By day 3 I had made some wonderful new friends and was having a blast. I even discovered a delish wheat beer. (Goose Island 312. Say what you want; I love it.) My new friends and I hit up some of Chicago's best restaurants (best restaurants on our budget I should say) and learned all about Title IV funding. (Thrilling, I know.) Hubby came out for the weekend and we did all of the touristy stuff. Sears' (Willis) Tower. John Hancock. Michigan Ave. Chicago Bean. LOVED IT! (p.s- For all of you Harry Potter fans...the Chi-town trains are very Harry Potteresque. I was totally looking for platform 9 3/4 at Union Station.)  Hubby played in a Playstation 3 tournament (lost to a 7 year old) and I got razzed for my flyers gear. LOVED IT! By the time Friday of our second week rolled around, everyone was totally ready to head home.....everyone but me. While I missed my husband, mom, friends and puppy, I could've stayed. I would've stayed. (Ya know, if I didn't have a wonderful hubby at home.)



<--Willis Tower, Skydeck.

At the Chicago Bean--->

I came back in December of 2010 but only overnight. Though I was happy to be back in Chi-town I didn't really do much other than work. That's okay....I was here and that was enough for me. Sadly, I didn't get to come back in 2011 but I understand. The whole "we need money to run the company thing" comes before "plan for Amanda to go to Chicago thing"! Can't win 'em all. But, Thanks to Project DELTA there was a legitimate need for me to return. That brings me to this trip (March 2012).

I've been here since Sunday night and it's been a fantastic trip. Again, I've met some pretty kick ass people (DeVry employs rock stars apparently) and I finally got to eat at Weber Grill restaurant. The hotel bartender remembered me and I've made some great new friends. Beer and friends, YES PLEASE! It's crazy though. I work for a company with 99 locations across the country. Seems pretty big, right? Well not really. I met a lot of people in this training who work with folks from my lsat trainings. It makes the whole "big company" feel more small company. Helps with networking too! One of my besties even came to visit. She lives in Minnesota and the 8 hour trip to Chicago is a better option than the 22 hours to PA. We went downtown for dinner with some of my new friends and laughed....a lot. She loved the Bean (not really but I'm pretending) and even drove me over the river. I couldn't really see it because it was pretty late but I still got my pretty excited.This trip wasn't just about making new friends though. Training has been a bit overwhelming but I'm confident. I'm leaving with contacts from Cali to VA to TX so I know I'll be okay. These are the folks I'll lean on when we go live in 67 DAYS! (Yes, we had to countdown every day. First and last question of every day.)

Anyway, I have to end this blog cause I have to head to bed to be ready for our last day of training. I may update this from home but really did want to get it in while I was still here. Mission Accomplished. As much as I'm looking forward to going home to see my hubby, mom, friends and puppy, I'd totally be okay with another week. Mission 'Get Back to Chicago' staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts NOW.

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Okay, I'm home now. Flight was delayed and I didn't get home until after 1am. So sleepy! Hubby, mom and puppy were very happy to see me so that made me feel good. I've spent most of today sleeping and am getting ready to do the homework I neglected in Chicago. Remember how mission get back to Chicago started on Thursday night (when I started this post)? Well, there is a pretty high chance that I'll be back in Chi-town the week of April 2nd. Fingers crossed!

p.s- Someone asked why I wrote "Da Magical City." Well, it's a play on Da Bears. Now you know.

p.p.s- As much as I love Chicago (and even if I wind up living there someday) I can promise I am not nor will I ever be a Blackhawks fan. Yes, they beat us in the cup but it was a phenomenal series. I respect that but my heart will always belong to my fly guys. GO FLYERS! ! ! 

So Frustrated!

I love Facebook. It helps me stay connected to friends near and far. It helps me share my life with friends through pictures, posts, links and the like. It allows me to celebrate with friends when they marry, graduate, give birth or celebrate a birthday. It gives me the chance to support in times of need. It also frustrates me beyond belief.

Tonight I cam across a video link of our governor discussing the PA Ultrasound Bill. Though I'm against the bill, and hope my congress woman, Allyson Schwartz, votes no, I'm not even pissed off at the ultrasound part. Supporters of the bill say an ultrasound is necessary before an abortion in order to determine gestational age. I agree with that. My surgeon performed an ultrasound the day before my surgery. When he first told me he was doing one, I freaked out but went along with it because my husband convinced me it was the right thing to do. My surgeon had never even met me and it was important for him to see an ultrasound for two reasons: 1. confirm the fatal diagnosis we received from our doctor and 2. determine gestational age in order to determine the appropriate procedure to perform. Like I said, I freaked out. I was crying and yelling and really didn't want to do it.

My husband and I walked into a darkened exam room and I laid down on the table. As I sat there waiting for the ultrasound machine to be turned on I cried uncontrollably. The nurse asked if we wanted her to turn the monitor. Yes please! She then asked my husband if he'd like to stand with me. Yes please! He came up toward my head and took hold of my hand. We stared into each others tear filled eyes for what felt like forever. Suddenly we heard it....the wooshing that most expectant parents long to hear. We were about to hear a heartbeat. TURN IT OFF! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! TURN IT OFF! I started screaming and yelling at the nurse to mute the machine. This only made me cry harder. It's not that I didn't want to hear the heartbeat; I just couldn't. It's not that I didn't want to see pictures of our precious baby; I just couldn't. Having been been emotionally drained already it was just too much.

So that brings me to this bill...which will mandate that ultrasounds be performed and that the monitors be faced toward the mother and/or the father. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Had this bill been in place at the time of my abortion, I would have seen my precious baby and heard his or her quick little heartbeat. My husband would have had to look too, as he was standing next to me facing the machine. We would have been forced to take pictures from that appointment to deliver the next day. The thought of it makes me want to throw-up. Seeing those pictures or hearing that heartbeat that day would have done nothing but torment me. They would have made my already broken heart shatter. The whole thing would not have made me change my mind. Instead, it would have been an even more clear reminder of what we were losing....as a family. I would have spent the next 24 hours staring at the precious little face in those pictures crying my eyes out that we would never get to hold, kiss, hug, care for, change, burp, laugh with or watch grow. I would have heard the heartbeat and repeated the rhythm in my mind for the next 24 hours...knowing it would stop beating "tomorrow." Again, none of this would have changed my mind...it would have simply tortured us.

Is that what you want to do, Governor? Do you think it's that easy to just "close your eyes." How easy was it for you to close your eyes at your last ultrasound. Oh wait.... Do you think this is a decision that comes easy to everyone who makes it? Do you think that every woman that has an abortion is a teenage girl who doesn't think of her fetus as a baby? Are you under the impression that women having abortions are not informed?

Let me tell you, you're so wrong on EVERY level. I would not have been able to close my eyes; I was crying too hard. This was the hardest decision my husband and I have EVER had to make. The statistic to which you think I am a part is the exact reason I made the nurse check off the "married," "college graduate," and "aged 29-34" boxes on my medical form. (They had been left blank and I insisted that they be completed. My husband laughed at my persistence then but now completely understands.) Do you think my doctor just said, "Hey, here's this option. I'm not going to tell you anything about it or discuss consequences with you. Just go for it."? Nope, wrong again. We were so informed and no picture or sound would have changed the decision we made to terminate our pregnancy out of LOVE for our baby.

You people seem to think that all women having abortions are doing it because they WANT to. What you seem to forget is that there are hundreds of thousands of women in my situation who are having an abortion to terminate a pregnancy with a fatal diagnosis. I am a member of a few social media support groups for pregnancy loss and these women and men are some of the strongest I've ever "known."  These groups are made of men and women who have been forced to make really tough decisions that change their lives forever. Everyone seems to be forgetting about this group and only discussing the young women using abortion as birth control. (Which, for the record totally disgusts me!)

This past Sunday was my due date. My husband and I cried that day, a lot. We bought a happy birthday balloon, 1 pink latex and 1 blue latex and let them go outside our home...the home we've built together over the last 9 1/2 years with unconditional love. It's that same love that both brought about our pregnancy and our decision to abort. None of this is something I'd ever expect you to understand but, as unfortunate as it may be, you are MY governor and you are MY voice. I beg you not to lose site of that.

How to Ruin a Good Day...or Not

This will be short and sweet, as I expect to have a lot to say this coming Sunday....my due date.

Today was a good day. Fridays are usually my favorite day of the week. We have a skeleton crew at work and we always have a blast. Friday afternoons are usually full of laughter, stories, smiles and, of course, work. The four us that work full days on Fridays always have a blast; we've even started karaoke dance parties (when time allows...But come to think of it, we don't really get to do it for more than one song. Ya know, that whole work thing really cramps our style.) Recently we've started a tradition of going over to Comcast for lunch and it's always a blast. I work with some pretty fabulous folks.

So, I left work early today because I worked late every night this week. My commute wasn't bad and I finished my latest read. (My Fair Lazy by Jen Lancaster...read it!) I came home to start my paper but saw my new US Weekly in the mailbox. I opted for some quality time with my gossip mag and Mr. Bubble. Ahhhh, love relaxing.

After my bath, I jumped into the shower and started reflecting on my day. I smiled and thought about what a great day it was. Then I remembered I hadn't cried today. I've been shedding tears every day for a few weeks now. As I've said in previous posts, approaching my due date hasn't been easy. Some days I cry harder than others but it has been pretty consistent. When I realized I hadn't cried today I stopped for a second...and then started to cry.

This time I wasn't crying out pain, I was crying out my guilt. I felt sad that I had a good day, like maybe I don't deserve it. I know that some of you reading this may think that's silly and may not understand. That's okay, I'm not looking for anyone to make sense of all of this. I just appreciate you reading and allowing me the time I need to express, share, weep, laugh and grieve.

I get it though and I just let myself cry AND feel guilty, standing right there in my shower. If there is one thing I've learned about myself through all of this it's that no emotion I feel is silly. (Which is a lesson my mom has taught me from a very early age. No feeling you feel can ever be wrong because it's a feeling! Thanks, Mommy!) I can't suppress these feelings, whether I want to face them or not I have to do it. If I need to cry from pain and sadness, I will. If I need to cry from guilt and anger, I will. If I need to laugh and smile, I will. If I need to fell hopeless and resentful, I will.

The good days out number the bad and that gives me great hope when I look at what is to come. 

Truth or Fiction

So as I approach my due date the memories of everything we've been through since September 2nd have come crashing through my mind at the most random times. I'll probably be blogging frequently (as time allows) just to get all of these thoughts out of my head. I was in a really good place and had come to terms with everything...then someone (inadvertently) reminded me that "your due date would be soon, huh?" Ugh, since then...what a roller coaster of emotions.

This morning, as I was waiting for my elevator at work (which by the way is the slowest elevator in the City of Philadelphia) I started thinking about the day we found out the baby would not survive the pregnancy (September 9th.) I thought about sitting in the doctor's office with my husband and the doctor telling us the diagnosis. In my head, it was "blah blah blah" and the scene was cloudy. Then I started thinking about how we broke the news to our family and friends, the people that had shared in our joy and excitement when we announced that we were expecting. I thought about the e-mail we sent to our friends (I could barely speak) and about telling my mom to call my best girlfriends. I remembered, almost verbatim, what we wrote and told my mom to say. My mind shot back to watching my husband step out of the house to call his mom, dad and sister. I thought back to how numb I felt and how the tears flowed uncontrollably and then not at all. I remembered finally understanding how you could be full of emptiness. All of these memories came flooding back in a matter of two minutes or less. It was fast. It was crazy. It was surreal.

As I reflected back on the day that changed our lives forever, I started thinking "wow, that must've been terrible." For a quick minute I was confused about why my memories of "that situation" were so vivid. It wasn't real. I thought to myself, "I could never go through that. I can't imagine the pain." I then reminded myself that those memories were mine, which is why they were so clear, and I didn't/couldn't believe it. It was extraordinarily strange and left me really confused.

I expect to stay emotional, especially through the next 10 days (and immediately thereafter.) Now should be a time that I'm doing final preparations for baby's homecoming. Instead, I'm fighting against HB1077. I'm e-mailing and calling my congresswoman to vote NO on this bill which will mandate the following (including but not limited to):

•  women must have a trans-vaginal ultrasound 24 hours prior to an abortion
• during said ultrasound, the monitor must be faced toward the woman and the volume cannot be muted (The woman can opt to look away. How thoughtful that they're not planning to strap our heads down with eyes pointed toward the monitor.)
• the woman must take and deliver TWO copies of ultrasound pictures to the surgeon performing the abortion. 

This disgusts me. Why do people assume that all women having an abortion are having it because they WANT it? What about me and all of the women and families in our position? Do you think we wanted this? If you do, let me tell you now how very wrong you are.

I am, however, thankful that we had the right to choose this option. I am also forever grateful that the ultrasound technician turned the monitor away from me. This allowed for me to keep my head turned AND for my husband to stand with me holding my hand as the surgeon confirmed the fatal diagnosis. Had HB1077 been in place, my hubby would have had to have his back to me, as he did not want to view the monitor either. That would've made it pretty hard and uncomfortable for him to hold my hand through the ultrasound. We also were able to ask the technician to mute the machine (though she didn't at first but quickly realized it as I began to scream at her "turn it off. I don't want to hear.") We were also given the right to deny receiving any pictures. It was the right decision for us at the time and we don't regret any aspect of how we handled ourselves.

I am not one to push my political opinions on others. I have friends of every race, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation and age. I love the diversity that surrounds me. I love that we can agree and disagree and through it all smile and laugh. The fact that we're able to have different opinions is what makes this country so grand.

What isn't okay, is when people think it's okay to judge me based on my experience. I have been called a lot of names, including baby killer and monster. At first, it hurt...a lot. Now, I brush it off because I realize those people are ignorant to the idea of compassion and understanding. I just hope they NEVER have to face what we faced. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Not all women who have abortions have them as birth control. Not all women who have abortions have them because they were "careless" with sexual activity. Not all women who have abortions have adoption as an option. Not all women who have abortions are evil or awful human beings. Have a heart and consider the feelings of the woman you're attacking...you don't know her story and there is probably a lot more to it than you'll ever understand. The pain these families have felt is far worse than any name you could ever call them.

Gentle Reminders

As we approach our due date, March 11th, the roller coaster of emotions I felt back in September are flooding back. While I have accepted what happened and have grown from the experience it doesn't make it "easy." Everyone says "time heals all wounds" but I don't think that's necessarily true. With this experience, time does nothing but remind us where we could've been...2 weeks away from being Mommy and Daddy. (Yesterday would've marked the start of my 38th week.)

The day before my surgery, my husband and I had a talk about the emotions we felt as related to the situation we were facing. I was numb. I really couldn't function and did nothing but think and cry. My husband, on the other hand, was functional. He worked. He scheduled our appointments. He ate. He laughed. He comforted. He stayed strong. We had a discussion on September 8th about the difference in emotion between his coping and mine. While we were both devastated, I explained to him that, as a woman, my pain was a different pain. I do not believe I was more hurt or more saddened by the news but I do believe the pain was more personal. I felt like my body had failed me (though we do not know if it was the sperm or the egg that caused the triploidy) and felt that I was a failure at the one thing nature says I'm supposed to be able to do...carry a healthy baby. I explained that he would not enter the hospital pregnant and leave not pregnant and told him about the emotions and fears related to that side of it. I reminded him that while this was happening to "us" it was physically only happening to me. He understood. Yesterday we had a similar discussion.

Every year we take our godson to the circus. It's wonderful and we always have a blast (minus yesterday when a gentleman behind me fell and poured 4 large sodas on me.) Our godson spent the night on Saturday and had a wonderful time. We did crafts and played and watched movies. He helped me do laundry and feed the dog. By the time my husband came home from work our almost 5-year-old nephew was asleep on the couch. We woke up Sunday morning and took him to the circus and then spent the afternoon with our godson and his parents at their NJ home. On our way home, my husband looked at me and said "I'm excited to have a baby again. That was healing for my soul." I asked what he meant and he told me that watching our godson asleep on our couch just reminded him of what he wants. He said it was a healing visit and that he's excited to start again. That prompted, what else, tears. I started to cry as I thought about how far along I'd be and what a wonderful dad my husband will make. He didn't understand why I was crying and told me "I've come to terms with what happened."
"I have too" I told him. 

I then reminded him how different the pain is for me...not harder....but different. We had the same conversation in the car that we had sitting in McDonalds the day before my surgery. I too have come to terms with what happened, but I'm having a hard time right now as March 11th seems to be etched onto everything my eye sees or mind interprets. It's in every thought and I refuse to ignore it. Confronting my emotion is healthy and is the only way I'll get through this (oh, and blogging of course.)

I cry A LOT....maybe even more than I had been immediately after my surgery. I think I'm able to cry more now because I'm not numb anymore. I get it now. I've processed the pain and worked through the emotion, which makes my reactions now more intense. I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat but I know this too shall pass. I'll get sad around milestones, what would be our due date, my first mother's day, hubby's first father's day and probably at random points every year until I die. It comes with the territory of being a family who has lost a baby. We'll continue to have open discussions, to lean on each other and to love through the pain. We'll continue to confront our pain and we'll do it together. It's hard now but I know someday our talks will focus more around our precious baby than our precious angel. That gets me through the hard days.

Side note: This ultrasound bill in PA that is going to force women to take ultrasound pictures with them after an appointment before an abortion is disgusting. The fact that the bill mandates that technicians point the monitor toward the woman is appalling. I am thankful EVERY DAY that I did not see my precious baby the day before our surgery. I am thankful EVERY DAY that I had the RIGHT to choose what was best for me, my family AND my baby.

No Turning Back Now

This blog began as my way of dealing with my emotions. After we had to terminate the pregnancy I was feeling way out of control. I was feeling every emotion you could possibly imagine. I was helpless, confused, resentful, hopeless, ashamed, angry, sad, indifferent, surprised, raging, panicky, jealous, hateful and happy (yes, at times.) My period of emotional healing is still going on but I'm better able to cope now. I've come to terms with what happened and have accepted that this was the hand we were dealt. We played it the best way WE could and I am confident in our decision. I have no regrets and believe this happened to me so that I could help other women going through this terrible pain.

In sharing my story, at first only with friends, I learned that many of my loved ones had experienced a similar loss. One friend even shared that she discovered her first baby had the same disorder as our angel, full triploidy. (She now has a beautiful happy and healthy baby boy.) One friend shared that she had 7 rounds of IVF before giving birth to her beautiful son but had suffered through a miscarriage. Can you imagine? I was in shock. The doctors give you the statistics that 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it's not a real statistic until it impacts you or those you love. Aside from shock, I was thankful. I was thankful that these amazing women felt comfortable enough to share with me. The women I mentioned both now have beautiful baby boys. Their stories gave me hope that someday I too may realize my dream of becoming a mommy. When we first lost the baby the thought of ever having another child, or even thinking of having another child, was the furthest thing from my mind. NO WAY was I going to go through this again. Now, having accepted and embraced my experience, I am excited at the thought of peeing on a stick sometime soon to discover two lines.

As my healing continued, I began to share my story more publicly. I joined a Facebook support group and then a few more. I shared my story and my blog. I have received such amazing feedback and such phenomenal support that I want to take my story "on the road." I have heard from way too women about how they've been made to feel shame about having to make such a difficult decision. Plain and simple, that is wrong. No woman should have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of losing a baby in addition to feeling ashamed or wrong. It's proof of gross ignorance. I have been involved in many pro-choice vs. pro-life online debates and have tried to give my point of view, as based on my personal experience. Many pro-lifers (not all) simply argue that abortion is wrong and women should just use birth control or should just put the baby up for adoption. It's not always that simple and who are you to judge anyone for a personal decision that does not impact you at all? It's not fair. What gives you the right to push shame on another person?

I've been called baby killer, evil, devil, monster and every other name you can imagine. At first it hurt...because I was feeling like all of those things. I felt like a monster. I felt wrong. I felt evil. Now, I feel confident. I feel proud. I am thankful to live in a country that affords me the opportunity, and gives me the right, to make decisions about my reproductive health. I am honored to have the freedom to share my story with the hopes of reaching out to women are feeling everything I felt, and maybe more. I am appreciative of everyone who is willing to listen and am so genuinely thankful for your unconditional support. You are my strength.

So, why is this post titled "No Turning Back Now"? I have now made my story public. I have contacted someone who has the power to take this "fight" public. You have all told me how strong I am. Five months ago I thought you were crazy. Today, I know you're right. Maybe this hand was dealt to me because a higher power knows I have the support, love and confidence to get through it. I want to share that with as many women as I can. If that means telling my story in a public arena, so be it. I'm on a mission and hope that you'll join me along the way.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

for ALL of your words of encouragement, hugs of compassion and notes of inspiration.

 

What's Love Got to do with It???

Happy Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day has been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. I just love the idea behind taking one day out of 365 to focus on the people who mean the most to you. Some of you are already rolling your eyes (yes, I can see you) and are probably saying something like, "you shouldn't just show love one day a year." To you, I say stop rolling your eyes, I agree with you...to a point.

So many people make fun of Valentine's Day. You'll hear people (usually single people) say, " it's a Hallmark holiday and its too commercial. It's just a way to guilt people into buying stuff they don't need to prove to someone that they love them." Now I'm rolling my eyes because you're wrong. Valentine's Day is so much more than a chocolate heart and a greeting card.

Life is busy, no question about it. We go through a 40 hour work week (on average) to get to the weekend that seems to last a total of 10 hours. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life and forget what's most important. It's easy to come home from work and just want to veg out in front of a computer or TV. Those of you with kids know how easy it is to come home, kiss your partner hello and then focus on family time  with games, baths, dinner and homework. After all of that comes the clean up and the preparation for tomorrow, packing lunches, cleaning up and finally giving yourself a rest. Once the kids are in bed, it's time to just chill. It's okay to take time for you, even if it means putting yourself before the one you love. It doesn't make you a bad partner or person, it makes you human. And this is why days like Valentine's Day are so important.

To me, Valentine's Day isn't about the sweetest card or the most expensive piece of jewelry. It's about that one day, early in the year, to make you stop and remember those you love. It's about taking day in February to focus your attention on the person that keeps you smiling through the rough times, laughing through the good times and loving through all of the times. Valentine's Day is about taking a moment to reflect on the who and the what in your life make you the happiest. It's a day to give instead of receive.

Today, coming home from work, I saw so many men and women with flowers, balloons and gifts. It was a sweet scene as I imagined these people going home to their families and smiling, laughing and loving. My hope for each of those people, and for you, is that today simply acts as a reminder that there is no wrong day to show your love. Does it mean that today is the only day you should shower your partner, your friends and your family with love? Absolutely not. In fact, it meant more to me three weeks ago when my hubby came home with a Skor bar, just because, than it did to go out to dinner last night. I would be your partner would say the same...it's the little things, the random things, that bring the biggest smiles.

Use today to remember how special you felt when your partner said that extra I love you, whether today or three months ago. Reflect on the warmth you felt when you got that homemade gift from your kid, whether today or 6 months ago. Acknowledge the effort your partner made in preparing your favorite meal or planning your perfect date, whether today or six week ago. Thank your parents or friends or babysitter for giving you "the night off" so you could be a couple instead of parents, whether tonight or last year. I challenge you to celebrate your love day in/day out and year in/year out.

Valentine's Day is about sharing love...not sharing gifts. 

Hallmark only wins if you let them.