Thursday, February 16, 2012

No Turning Back Now

This blog began as my way of dealing with my emotions. After we had to terminate the pregnancy I was feeling way out of control. I was feeling every emotion you could possibly imagine. I was helpless, confused, resentful, hopeless, ashamed, angry, sad, indifferent, surprised, raging, panicky, jealous, hateful and happy (yes, at times.) My period of emotional healing is still going on but I'm better able to cope now. I've come to terms with what happened and have accepted that this was the hand we were dealt. We played it the best way WE could and I am confident in our decision. I have no regrets and believe this happened to me so that I could help other women going through this terrible pain.

In sharing my story, at first only with friends, I learned that many of my loved ones had experienced a similar loss. One friend even shared that she discovered her first baby had the same disorder as our angel, full triploidy. (She now has a beautiful happy and healthy baby boy.) One friend shared that she had 7 rounds of IVF before giving birth to her beautiful son but had suffered through a miscarriage. Can you imagine? I was in shock. The doctors give you the statistics that 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it's not a real statistic until it impacts you or those you love. Aside from shock, I was thankful. I was thankful that these amazing women felt comfortable enough to share with me. The women I mentioned both now have beautiful baby boys. Their stories gave me hope that someday I too may realize my dream of becoming a mommy. When we first lost the baby the thought of ever having another child, or even thinking of having another child, was the furthest thing from my mind. NO WAY was I going to go through this again. Now, having accepted and embraced my experience, I am excited at the thought of peeing on a stick sometime soon to discover two lines.

As my healing continued, I began to share my story more publicly. I joined a Facebook support group and then a few more. I shared my story and my blog. I have received such amazing feedback and such phenomenal support that I want to take my story "on the road." I have heard from way too women about how they've been made to feel shame about having to make such a difficult decision. Plain and simple, that is wrong. No woman should have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of losing a baby in addition to feeling ashamed or wrong. It's proof of gross ignorance. I have been involved in many pro-choice vs. pro-life online debates and have tried to give my point of view, as based on my personal experience. Many pro-lifers (not all) simply argue that abortion is wrong and women should just use birth control or should just put the baby up for adoption. It's not always that simple and who are you to judge anyone for a personal decision that does not impact you at all? It's not fair. What gives you the right to push shame on another person?

I've been called baby killer, evil, devil, monster and every other name you can imagine. At first it hurt...because I was feeling like all of those things. I felt like a monster. I felt wrong. I felt evil. Now, I feel confident. I feel proud. I am thankful to live in a country that affords me the opportunity, and gives me the right, to make decisions about my reproductive health. I am honored to have the freedom to share my story with the hopes of reaching out to women are feeling everything I felt, and maybe more. I am appreciative of everyone who is willing to listen and am so genuinely thankful for your unconditional support. You are my strength.

So, why is this post titled "No Turning Back Now"? I have now made my story public. I have contacted someone who has the power to take this "fight" public. You have all told me how strong I am. Five months ago I thought you were crazy. Today, I know you're right. Maybe this hand was dealt to me because a higher power knows I have the support, love and confidence to get through it. I want to share that with as many women as I can. If that means telling my story in a public arena, so be it. I'm on a mission and hope that you'll join me along the way.

for ALL of your words of encouragement, hugs of compassion and notes of inspiration.


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