Friday, March 9, 2012

How to Ruin a Good Day...or Not

This will be short and sweet, as I expect to have a lot to say this coming due date.

Today was a good day. Fridays are usually my favorite day of the week. We have a skeleton crew at work and we always have a blast. Friday afternoons are usually full of laughter, stories, smiles and, of course, work. The four us that work full days on Fridays always have a blast; we've even started karaoke dance parties (when time allows...But come to think of it, we don't really get to do it for more than one song. Ya know, that whole work thing really cramps our style.) Recently we've started a tradition of going over to Comcast for lunch and it's always a blast. I work with some pretty fabulous folks.

So, I left work early today because I worked late every night this week. My commute wasn't bad and I finished my latest read. (My Fair Lazy by Jen it!) I came home to start my paper but saw my new US Weekly in the mailbox. I opted for some quality time with my gossip mag and Mr. Bubble. Ahhhh, love relaxing.

After my bath, I jumped into the shower and started reflecting on my day. I smiled and thought about what a great day it was. Then I remembered I hadn't cried today. I've been shedding tears every day for a few weeks now. As I've said in previous posts, approaching my due date hasn't been easy. Some days I cry harder than others but it has been pretty consistent. When I realized I hadn't cried today I stopped for a second...and then started to cry.

This time I wasn't crying out pain, I was crying out my guilt. I felt sad that I had a good day, like maybe I don't deserve it. I know that some of you reading this may think that's silly and may not understand. That's okay, I'm not looking for anyone to make sense of all of this. I just appreciate you reading and allowing me the time I need to express, share, weep, laugh and grieve.

I get it though and I just let myself cry AND feel guilty, standing right there in my shower. If there is one thing I've learned about myself through all of this it's that no emotion I feel is silly. (Which is a lesson my mom has taught me from a very early age. No feeling you feel can ever be wrong because it's a feeling! Thanks, Mommy!) I can't suppress these feelings, whether I want to face them or not I have to do it. If I need to cry from pain and sadness, I will. If I need to cry from guilt and anger, I will. If I need to laugh and smile, I will. If I need to fell hopeless and resentful, I will.

The good days out number the bad and that gives me great hope when I look at what is to come. 

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