Monday, February 27, 2012

Gentle Reminders

As we approach our due date, March 11th, the roller coaster of emotions I felt back in September are flooding back. While I have accepted what happened and have grown from the experience it doesn't make it "easy." Everyone says "time heals all wounds" but I don't think that's necessarily true. With this experience, time does nothing but remind us where we could've been...2 weeks away from being Mommy and Daddy. (Yesterday would've marked the start of my 38th week.)

The day before my surgery, my husband and I had a talk about the emotions we felt as related to the situation we were facing. I was numb. I really couldn't function and did nothing but think and cry. My husband, on the other hand, was functional. He worked. He scheduled our appointments. He ate. He laughed. He comforted. He stayed strong. We had a discussion on September 8th about the difference in emotion between his coping and mine. While we were both devastated, I explained to him that, as a woman, my pain was a different pain. I do not believe I was more hurt or more saddened by the news but I do believe the pain was more personal. I felt like my body had failed me (though we do not know if it was the sperm or the egg that caused the triploidy) and felt that I was a failure at the one thing nature says I'm supposed to be able to do...carry a healthy baby. I explained that he would not enter the hospital pregnant and leave not pregnant and told him about the emotions and fears related to that side of it. I reminded him that while this was happening to "us" it was physically only happening to me. He understood. Yesterday we had a similar discussion.

Every year we take our godson to the circus. It's wonderful and we always have a blast (minus yesterday when a gentleman behind me fell and poured 4 large sodas on me.) Our godson spent the night on Saturday and had a wonderful time. We did crafts and played and watched movies. He helped me do laundry and feed the dog. By the time my husband came home from work our almost 5-year-old nephew was asleep on the couch. We woke up Sunday morning and took him to the circus and then spent the afternoon with our godson and his parents at their NJ home. On our way home, my husband looked at me and said "I'm excited to have a baby again. That was healing for my soul." I asked what he meant and he told me that watching our godson asleep on our couch just reminded him of what he wants. He said it was a healing visit and that he's excited to start again. That prompted, what else, tears. I started to cry as I thought about how far along I'd be and what a wonderful dad my husband will make. He didn't understand why I was crying and told me "I've come to terms with what happened."
"I have too" I told him. 

I then reminded him how different the pain is for me...not harder....but different. We had the same conversation in the car that we had sitting in McDonalds the day before my surgery. I too have come to terms with what happened, but I'm having a hard time right now as March 11th seems to be etched onto everything my eye sees or mind interprets. It's in every thought and I refuse to ignore it. Confronting my emotion is healthy and is the only way I'll get through this (oh, and blogging of course.)

I cry A LOT....maybe even more than I had been immediately after my surgery. I think I'm able to cry more now because I'm not numb anymore. I get it now. I've processed the pain and worked through the emotion, which makes my reactions now more intense. I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat but I know this too shall pass. I'll get sad around milestones, what would be our due date, my first mother's day, hubby's first father's day and probably at random points every year until I die. It comes with the territory of being a family who has lost a baby. We'll continue to have open discussions, to lean on each other and to love through the pain. We'll continue to confront our pain and we'll do it together. It's hard now but I know someday our talks will focus more around our precious baby than our precious angel. That gets me through the hard days.

Side note: This ultrasound bill in PA that is going to force women to take ultrasound pictures with them after an appointment before an abortion is disgusting. The fact that the bill mandates that technicians point the monitor toward the woman is appalling. I am thankful EVERY DAY that I did not see my precious baby the day before our surgery. I am thankful EVERY DAY that I had the RIGHT to choose what was best for me, my family AND my baby.

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