Marking A Milestone

My boss is exactly four weeks behind where I would be if I were still pregnant. (She is due April 6th and I was due March 11th.) It was so exciting to think that we'd be going through this journey together as we welcomed our first babies just weeks apart. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be for me. Thankfully, she has had a wonderful pregnancy (though not always smooth and easy) and is feeling great. Baby boy is growing and thriving and I love hearing her updates after her weekly appointments. As I said in an earlier blog, I love my boss. She is wonderful, not just as a boss but also as a friend. She and her husband are going to be wonderful parents and I'm genuinely thrilled for their happy addition to arrive.

Today at work, we threw her baby shower. When we first floated the idea, I was nervous. Would I be able to do it knowing by now I would've had mine? I didn't know but I knew I had to try; she deserves it. I've grown more comfortable with her growing belly and have finally stopped staring at it with jealousy. (Which she kindly never let me know she noticed.) The party started off well...we ate and ate and ate. Following the food, it was time for her to open her gifts. Uh oh. I could feel my emotions starting to build so I decided to put myself to work. I didn't want to run away and I knew if I assigned myself photographer I'd have to stick it through.

She began opening her gifts and I was doing okay. If you know me, you know I LOVE Elmo. (I used to collect all things Elmo.) Well, the 2nd gift she opened was an adorable little Elmo robe with booties. TOO CUTE! I was a little jealous but not in a sad way! I was proud; I was making it through my first baby shower experience since losing my baby. She kept opening and she got really wonderful things. There was only one time I teared up and I was able to keep it unnoticeable and completely under control. She was opening clothes and held up a onesie that said Daddy's Rock Star. I started to think about my husband and how much he was looking forward to being a dad. I knew he'd be thrilled to see his baby wearing that onesie as he's very into music. (He plays guitar and would love a to play to his own Daddy's Rock Star.) I caught myself starting to space out and my mind immediately filled with thoughts of our loss. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and powered through it.

I know it may seem silly to blog about this or to call it a milestone. That's okay. I feel wonderful and am really proud. I feel like today I took a major step toward getting back to a greater normalcy. Every day I make small amounts of progress. Though I will never forget our experience or our first baby, I am anxious to get back to "normal," whatever our new normal may be.

Today made me happy. I am happy that I got through it with a smile. I am happy that I could share in her special day. I am happy that I know she'll be there for me, in the same way, whenever my time comes.

I cannot wait to meet her baby boy and hold him and spoil him. Congrats JRoc.