Friday, October 16, 2015

Happy Friday!

So, last night was the 2015 Wave of Light. It's a day where we honor and remember all the babies gone too soon, including my two angels, by lighting candles at 7pm local time. This gives us a full 24 hour "wave of light" to honor all of the little lives lost. While my angels are in my heart every day, October 15th is never easy. It's another of those "milestones" that tears my heart apart.

My day pretty much started with a text from my best friend Vanessa. It was a picture of the candles she was going to light: four of them, two for my angels, and two for other angels in her life. I cried. I cried as I got ready for work. I cried on my way into work. I cried at random points during the day. I felt alone and my heart was hollow. I tried my best to keep to myself so as not to draw the question: "are you okay?" I knew I'd cry. I kept busy. Hell, I didn't even mind working on data analysis because it kept me focused on something other than sadness.

Early in the afternoon our receptionist came to my desk with a beautiful arrangement of baby yellow roses, white daisies, and orange carnations. I cried again as I read the note: "Just a little something to cheer you up. Xoxo. Your person." My sister, Meredith, sent me flowers to brighten my day because she knew I'd be down. I smiled knowing I wasn't alone. For the rest of the afternoon, when I felt the tears welling in my eyes, I'd touch a daisy or smell a rose. It helped.

About an hour before I was leaving work, my boyfriend asked if I wanted to have dinner at his parents' house. My first reaction was to say no because it would be a rough night and maybe it would be best if I was alone. As I thought about it more, I thought it would be a nice distraction to be around family. His family is amazing to me and I am so thankful for their love and support. So, I said I would come to dinner as long as I could light my candles at 7 and leave them lit for at least 1 hour. That meant that no matter what time we ate/finished dinner, we were there until 8pm. He agreed. Dinner was on.

I went home and walked the dog and then drove over to his parents' house...crying almost the entire way. As soon as I walked in, I got big hugs from his dad and his mom. Presley (the dog) even came over to welcome me. Jay came up the stairs and as soon as he hugged me, I started to cry....again. I started to think maybe dinner wasn't such a great idea. We went into the computer room and he just held me while I cried some more. (At some point you have to run out of tears, right?) After a few minutes I was able to get myself together and it was time for dinner. Delicious spaghetti and meatballs. Yum. Babe is a great cook.

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Wave of Light, 2015
We finished dinner at 6:56pm and it was time to set up the candles. I took my two blue candles and placed them next to the jewelry box that my best friend Leigh bought me. It was a bridesmaid gift from her big day and has a heart with two angel wings. It's beyond special to me. I set everything up, lit my candles, and took a deep breath. The tears came pretty quickly as I thought about lighting these candles every year instead of birthday candles. It's hard and it doesn't really get easier. Jay took me outside for "fresh" air and just held me as I cried into his chest. He reminded me that he'd always be there and just hugged me and listened as I vented. Vanessa sent a picture of her lit candles and, an hour later, Meredith sent a picture of hers. (She's central time.) It was beautiful and it touched my heart. It was in those moments that I realized: no matter what I face in this life, I'll never do it alone.

Nights like last not only remind us of what we've lost, but are also great opportunities to take inventory of what we have...and appreciate and accept it all. It can be very easy for me to play the "I don't deserve to be happy game" and sabotage the happy moments in my life. I catch myself doing it but sometimes I can't stop. It's a mental game and I often lose. Last night, I fell asleep with a full heart in the arms of the man that I love. I woke up this morning and realized that I have to let myself be happy. I have a lot of love in my life and I deserve it. (That's not easy for me to accept and I don't know why so don't ask.)

I have an incredible boyfriend who loves me and gives me new reasons to fall in love every day. We don't have a perfect relationship but what we have is real. Whatever tomorrow brings, we have each other today. I have the absolute best best friends on earth. These women are willing to selflessly carry me through my darkest days, regardless of what's going on in their own lives. They support me in every way possible and love me through any and everything. Ours are bonds that can never be broken. I am truly blessed and consider myself very lucky. Not everyone has friends like I do! I love my new job and the company for which I work. It's actually a pleasure to go to work now!

While I may not have everything I wanted in this life, I do have a lot....and I'm forever grateful for all of it...even when I don't know the best ways to show it. And while I may not be perfect in my resolve to stay positive, today has been a good day. #onedayatatime

PS- While I couldn't mention each of you in this post, I do sincerely appreciate all of the love and support sent via e-mail, text, calls, and thoughts yesterday. I really do have the best friends on earth!

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