I've been trying to write this post for a few weeks now and I just haven't found the right words. Hell, I'm not sure I have them now but, as per the norm, I'm exhausted and wide awake so I'm hoping this helps make me sleepy.
Adulthood is a trap. We spend our entire childhood wishing we were older so we could "do things." If someone had told me that those "things" centered around working and paying bills, I would've begged to stay a child forever. Bottom line, this shit sucks. We aren't meant to work, pay bills, and die, right? There's something out there that give us purpose, right? How do we find it? The better question is, how do we know when we have found it? I honestly don't know.
What I do know is that life doesn't come with a rule book because it's not a game. We don't get a playbook that gives us the appropriate move to make at the appropriate time. We don't have a coach who can pull us out when the direction of our game changes. We don't have coordinators yelling out which plays we should make and when and how. We don't get a booth review when we think someone screws up. There aren't any challenge flags we can throw or penalty flags to toss. We don't have alternates who can step in and take over when we need a break. We don't have trainers on the sidelines waiting to fix our wounds to get us back to being play ready. We don't get to rewind the clock and replay a down. We don't have legions of fans sporting our numbers and cheering us along (almost) every step of the way. What we do have is friends. And if we're lucky, our friends don't boo us and switch their allegiance when we screw up a play, a game, or a even a season.
The truth is, we're going to screw up...a lot. We're going to make mistakes and we're going to live imperfect lives. We're going to have good days and bad. We'll have highs and lows. We'll have successes and failures. We will be victorious and we will fail. We'll be happy and we'll be sad. We're going to fight for too long and give up too quickly. We'll have fortune and we'll have hardship. You're going to be proud and you're going to be ashamed. It's all a balance and we have to figure out the best way to make our way through. We're not always going to do it the way that everyone expects or wants us to, and that's okay. The truth is, this is your life and you only get one shot at it and you have to life it your way. No matter what!
I have highs and I have lows. And, since I promise to always be honest in my blogs, I sometimes have more lows than I like to admit to myself or anyone else. When I need to be, I can be a really good faker. It's not a quality of which I'm proud but I've been doing it for far too long to not know that it's a part of my make-up. I also have a tendency to beat myself up and then question why I'm bruised. I try to manage it but it's not always easy and then I feel like I've failed and the cycle of highs and lows repeats itself. It's a little crazy but it's my kind of crazy and it's my comfort zone.
I'm trying to find my way off of that wheel but I'm afraid that if I slow down my run the wheel will come out from under me and I'll fall. I'm going to have to find the courage to jump off and see where I land. No matter how long it takes me to find that courage, I know it's there and it'll come when the time is right. When I jump, I hope my safety net is up and read to catch my fall. I'll need it.
As a postscript: Remember when I said I've been trying to write this blog for quite some time? Well, here it is and it's completely different than what I originally intended to post. It just kind of morphed but hey, that's what this is about. I just need to get back to writing on a regular schedule and I know I'll hit all my topics. :) Thanks for reading!