Do You!

I never considered myself to be someone who cared too much about what other people thought of me. I wouldn't conform to social "norms" and always followed whatever path I thought most appropriate for me. I'd say this is true from something as small as ignoring fashion trends and going for what's comfortable to not being afraid to stand up for what I believe to be right in a difficult situation. I would've told you I was independent and an individual and what others thought of me just didn't matter at all.

I was wrong. Very very wrong.

It wasn't until I went through some of the most difficult times of my life that I started to realize that I did in fact care about what other people thought of me. What a shocking revelation to have after the age 30! It was in coming through the darkest moments of my life that I realized I had been living for everyone else for a really long time.

I wouldn't say I did things to impact others' impression of me, but I did always strive to  put others first. I always came second. Whether it was in want or need, I would put anyone for whom I cared ahead of myself. I realized that decisions I made weren't always what I wanted and that I'd often "take one for the team" to make whomever happy. I would give up what I really wanted or needed just to bring a smile to someone else's face. I never minded doing it and I guess that's why I never thought of it as caring what others thought.

In being selfless for so long, it came as quite a shock to people when I finally put myself first and stood up for what I wanted. But, I knew what I was doing and I knew it was right for me. I truly didn't care what anyone else thought. The truth is, this is my life and I get to live it however I want. Whether that means making a million mistakes or doing everything "by the book," I get to decide what's right for me.

There are people who judged me for it for more harshly than I think is appropriate or even necessary. Does it make me upset? Everyday. Does it make me question my decision to stick to what I wanted? Never. Are there moments of pause when I wonder if I really did make the "right" decision? Of course. Are there times when I get sad and feel like life is a little more out of control than it had been? Absolutely. But then I step back and remind myself that it was right at that time and I have no regrets.

So, for anyone reading this that is afraid to finally stand up to the world and be true to yourself, I say DO IT and do it TODAY. It's not going to be easy. It's going to take courage and conviction. It might feel like you're losing control. It could hurt and you're definitely to going to cry. But DO IT. You deserve it. And, if it winds up that you're wrong and you are making a mistake, at least you tried and you should never regret that.

Happy Friday!

So, last night was the 2015 Wave of Light. It's a day where we honor and remember all the babies gone too soon, including my two angels, by lighting candles at 7pm local time. This gives us a full 24 hour "wave of light" to honor all of the little lives lost. While my angels are in my heart every day, October 15th is never easy. It's another of those "milestones" that tears my heart apart.

My day pretty much started with a text from my best friend Vanessa. It was a picture of the candles she was going to light: four of them, two for my angels, and two for other angels in her life. I cried. I cried as I got ready for work. I cried on my way into work. I cried at random points during the day. I felt alone and my heart was hollow. I tried my best to keep to myself so as not to draw the question: "are you okay?" I knew I'd cry. I kept busy. Hell, I didn't even mind working on data analysis because it kept me focused on something other than sadness.

Early in the afternoon our receptionist came to my desk with a beautiful arrangement of baby yellow roses, white daisies, and orange carnations. I cried again as I read the note: "Just a little something to cheer you up. Xoxo. Your person." My sister, Meredith, sent me flowers to brighten my day because she knew I'd be down. I smiled knowing I wasn't alone. For the rest of the afternoon, when I felt the tears welling in my eyes, I'd touch a daisy or smell a rose. It helped.

About an hour before I was leaving work, my boyfriend asked if I wanted to have dinner at his parents' house. My first reaction was to say no because it would be a rough night and maybe it would be best if I was alone. As I thought about it more, I thought it would be a nice distraction to be around family. His family is amazing to me and I am so thankful for their love and support. So, I said I would come to dinner as long as I could light my candles at 7 and leave them lit for at least 1 hour. That meant that no matter what time we ate/finished dinner, we were there until 8pm. He agreed. Dinner was on.

I went home and walked the dog and then drove over to his parents' house...crying almost the entire way. As soon as I walked in, I got big hugs from his dad and his mom. Presley (the dog) even came over to welcome me. Jay came up the stairs and as soon as he hugged me, I started to cry....again. I started to think maybe dinner wasn't such a great idea. We went into the computer room and he just held me while I cried some more. (At some point you have to run out of tears, right?) After a few minutes I was able to get myself together and it was time for dinner. Delicious spaghetti and meatballs. Yum. Babe is a great cook.

Wave of Light, 2015

We finished dinner at 6:56pm and it was time to set up the candles. I took my two blue candles and placed them next to the jewelry box that my best friend Leigh bought me. It was a bridesmaid gift from her big day and has a heart with two angel wings. It's beyond special to me. I set everything up, lit my candles, and took a deep breath. The tears came pretty quickly as I thought about lighting these candles every year instead of birthday candles. It's hard and it doesn't really get easier. Jay took me outside for "fresh" air and just held me as I cried into his chest. He reminded me that he'd always be there and just hugged me and listened as I vented. Vanessa sent a picture of her lit candles and, an hour later, Meredith sent a picture of hers. (She's central time.) It was beautiful and it touched my heart. It was in those moments that I realized: no matter what I face in this life, I'll never do it alone.

Nights like last not only remind us of what we've lost, but are also great opportunities to take inventory of what we have...and appreciate and accept it all. It can be very easy for me to play the "I don't deserve to be happy game" and sabotage the happy moments in my life. I catch myself doing it but sometimes I can't stop. It's a mental game and I often lose. Last night, I fell asleep with a full heart in the arms of the man that I love. I woke up this morning and realized that I have to let myself be happy. I have a lot of love in my life and I deserve it. (That's not easy for me to accept and I don't know why so don't ask.)

I have an incredible boyfriend who loves me and gives me new reasons to fall in love every day. We don't have a perfect relationship but what we have is real. Whatever tomorrow brings, we have each other today. I have the absolute best best friends on earth. These women are willing to selflessly carry me through my darkest days, regardless of what's going on in their own lives. They support me in every way possible and love me through any and everything. Ours are bonds that can never be broken. I am truly blessed and consider myself very lucky. Not everyone has friends like I do! I love my new job and the company for which I work. It's actually a pleasure to go to work now!

While I may not have everything I wanted in this life, I do have a lot....and I'm forever grateful for all of it...even when I don't know the best ways to show it. And while I may not be perfect in my resolve to stay positive, today has been a good day. #onedayatatime

PS- While I couldn't mention each of you in this post, I do sincerely appreciate all of the love and support sent via e-mail, text, calls, and thoughts yesterday. I really do have the best friends on earth!