My hubby is amazing; there is no denying that. He is not, however, the most comfortable when it comes to dealing with any sort of emotion. Needless to say, he had a REALLY hard time dealing with losing the baby. It took a good six months before he could even talk about it. I let him deal in his own time, never wanting to push him beyond his comfort zone.
While I was dealing with feeling like my body failed me and the devastation of having to terminate the pregnancy I was a hot mess. I really couldn't function. I pretty much just sat on my couch looking at the TV. I'd say watching but I can't recall a single thing about the week between 9/2/11 and 9/9/11 except trying to go to work on Tuesday and turning around after walking about 3 houses away from my own. Oh, and I remember freaking out at our pre-surgical appointment when the doctor surprised me with one last ultrasound. Ugh. During that week, and immediately thereafter, my husband was EVERYTHING. He scheduled our appointments. He cleaned up the house. He cooked. He made sure I ate. And he worked! (Oh, and he organized it so that my mom could return the $100 worth of Destination Maternity clothes that we bought just an hour before finding out something was wrong. Yeah, never gonna do THAT again! Shop AFTER the appointment, not before!) I was an emotional wreck and really couldn't understand how my hubby was functioning. Now I know; he HAD to be functional. He had to be strong enough for the both of us or EVERYTHING would've fallen apart. It wasn't until after we got the test results back (early November), and found out triploidy is not genetic, that he was able to start mourning our loss and coping with his grief.
Recently we decided to paint what would have been, and what eventually will be, our nursery. When we found out we were pregnant we decided to paint the room yellow. For months after we ended the pregnancy, I couldn't even look at the door to the room; it was too painful. Finally, about a month and a half ago, I decided I wanted to paint the room yellow. Why wait, right? We went to Home Depot and bought the paint. As per our usual, it was an easy decision on which we agreed right away. Hubby starting painting the room right away. He tackled it late at night when he got home from work and day by day I started to see it transforming from it's dull and old blue to a vibrant and lively yellow. I helped a bit with the outlining (hubby says I'm better than he is at trim work) and then let him get back to work. All is done except one wall and a 2nd coat. So exciting!
Yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen talking about how great the room looked. Hubby looked me in the eye and told me how hard it has been to paint. I was surprised! He has been so productive in there that I just assumed it was easy peasy. Nope. He told me how every time he's in there he thinks about how it should have been done six months ago and by now should be full of baby stuff. It was hard for him to admit and his first statement after he released his thoughts was, "don't write a blog about this." I told him I wouldn't and then he said it was okay. He said he's proud of this blog and how much it's helping people. (Thank you all for the feedback and support, by the way.) It was an amazing moment, especially when he said that painting the room "has helped me get mentally ready for a baby." We've had a few talks over the last few weeks about when it'll be the "right time" to try and each conversation ended without an answer. Though it was hard, I had to be okay with it. I had to let my husband heal in his own time, without adding pressure to his intense emotions.
I'm glad he said I could write about his revelation because it's important for us women to know that our men deal with our loss differently. It's not about whose pain is worse; you can't quantify pain. I dealt intensely and immediately. My hubby's immediate reaction was to ignore the pain and push it deep down inside him where he didn't need to face it. When he did finally face it, he dealt intensely and privately. We didn't really discuss it. Sometimes that hurt me, but I kept reading my books and talking to my support group and was always reminded that everyone has to have the freedom to cope in their own way. I think this is what saved us from being one of the couples that a situation like this can break. We gave each other the freedom to be ourselves without ever passing judgement on how the other was handling the pain. If I had to say that anything good came from this experience, it is that I have a new respect for what kind of man I married, and what kind of man will be my baby's role model.
So ladies, let your man deal in his own way. Let him avoid, face, ignore, acknowledge, suppress or confront in his own way and in his own time. Don't push him to deal with you, as long as he's supporting you. Don't force the conversations you are dying to have...reach out to a support system that is able, at that time, to be what you need it to be. And to the men reading this, know that we know you are experiencing the loss right along with us, albeit in a different way. We understand that your pain comes from losing your baby and from being scared for your wife/girlfriend. We know your innate need to be strong. Know that your time to cope will come and we'll be waiting to support you through it. We'll be your shoulder to cry on whenever you're ready. Because we are in this together!
