The Light

So one of my very best friends from high school recently found my blog. He and I hadn't been in touch for about 10 years and we reconnected a little over two months ago. It's always nice to reconnect with special people and it has been great catching up. Last week he read my blog for the first time and told me he thought it was dark. Not gonna lie... I was a little offended. I don't think it's dark; I think that it's honest. There are days when I feel dark and if my blog reflects that then so be it. Anyway, he recommended that I blog about all of the positive/good things in my life. While it's impossible to list everything that is good in my life, there are a few things for which I'm grateful EVERY SINGLE DAY. So, here goes:

• Hubby: I meant what I said on your birthday. You make it all okay and I couldn't do it without you. Thanks for choosing me for your forever. Love you. Love your show.
• Momma: You amaze me every day and have for the last 32 years. I only hope I can be half the mom to my child(ren) that you were to me. I am who I am (good and bad) because of you. (Well, except the OCD.)
• Sister: Twenty-one years and you're not sick of me; you deserve a medal. You are (always have been and always will be) my person. I love you always.
• My girls: They say our friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Thank you for choosing me and for always being there. The bonds that tie us are unbreakable and I'm thankful every day that I can call you my family.
• Jake & Sara: You are my heart and I couldn't love you more. Jake, thank you for ALWAYS making me smile. Sara, it has been way too long since we've seen each other but I love you every single day. I hope you both know that I will ALWAYS be here for you for anything that you need.
• My work family: Simply stated, I love you guys; you make my every day worth it. Thanks for all the laughs and love.
• My friends: I don't know what to say other than I FREAKING LOVE YOU.
• My GSC family: I am who I am because of you. Whether it's a week, a month, a year, or more, we're family and I cherish that always. My memories of our time(s) together fill my heart with such joy. I am thankful for every memory we made in our home away from home.
• Puppers: I know you can't read but you are my love. Your kisses make my bad days better and my good days great. Thanks for knowing exactly what I need and for being the best cuddle-bugger ever.
• The Internet: THANK YOU Al Gore (kidding!) for making it possible for me to stay connected to everyone. I love knowing that with just a click we can reconnect and check-in to let each other know we're thinking of the other. Let's try to do it in person more frequently.
• My former campers: Many of us are still in touch and some of you even read this blog. Please know how special you made my summers. I learned more from you in those years than I could ever have hoped to teach you. I am so proud of the young men and women you have become.
• New Kids on the Block: You have brought a smile to my face since 1988. You filled my childhood with love and excitement and taught me how to dance like no one is watching. Your reunion reminded me that dreams really can come true if you never give up. Thanks for making this only child one of a million sisters.  (Readers: you can make fun of me all you want for having them on my list. I'm dancing like no one is watching and I don't care.)
• Ellen: Thanks for proving that kindness and generosity are the most beautiful accessories we can wear. You inspire me every day.
• The little things: You matter so much and I'm thankful that I know that.
• The person who told me to write this blog: Thank you. You are very special to me and I love you.

(These are in no particular order by the way!)

With that, I'm going to sign off. This blog could wind up being a million words long because I'm that lucky. While the last two years have been a struggle for our family, I've never lost sight of the fact that I'm a pretty lucky lady. I have a great husband, an awesome mom, amazeballs friends, and a job that allows me to help people (almost) every day. Yes, some days are dark but that's okay because no day lasts forever.

Is it January yet?

December has got to be the worst month of the year to have a miscarriage. You get to spend the entire month looking at pictures of kids. You also get to see lots of pregnancy announcements. Ugh. It's like nature's cruel way of reminding you of everything you don't have. IT SUCKS. On top of that, December is the month that my husband and I celebrate our birthdays. Yeah, not this year; I'm not into it. I plan on skipping my birthday except to go out with my work family and get wasted. Yep, that's how I'm celebrating.

I also plan on skipping the holidays this year. I'm not into it and I have no interest in pretending that I am. I don't want to be a debbie downer and ruin the holiday for anyone else so I think I'm just going to stay home. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy. I don't want to have to listen to people tell me that it'll be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I don't want the "hold a little tighter" hugs with the "I'm so sorry" message. I get that it comes from a good place, I really do, but sometimes it just makes the pain worse. I don't want to hang out with our pregnant friends and family and pretend that I'm not in pain. So, for everyone's benefit I'm just going to skip this "holly jolly" time. It's not meant to hurt anyone's feelings and honestly, this year isn't about anyone else but me. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it is. I need to concentrate on me. I need to deal with all of this in my own way so that I can continue to move forward. We all handle pain in different ways and we have to let ourselves cope in our own personal way. My head and my heart are telling me that this is what I need and I'm going to listen.

Our experience this year was very different than our experience last year. This year, nature made the decision for us. Last year, we made the decision. This year, the day of surgery was much easier than last year. Last year, I gave myself time to cope and deal with my emotions. This year, I jumped right back into life and "moved on." Last year I didn't play the "why us" game. This year, I play it every day. Honestly, I think it has something to do with the time of year that everything happened. As much as I love seeing the holiday cards from our friends, it's painful. Yes, I'm thrilled you all have happy healthy families and I love your kids like I would love my own. Hopefully you know that. BUT, this year it's different. It's a little more painful than it is joyful and that sucks. I think that adds another dimension of emotion to all of this too. I not only get to feel my own pain but then I also get to feel guilty about all of that. Blah.

The bottom line is: December is just a shitty effing month for life to veer off course. The upside is that December won't last forever and in exactly two weeks it'll be a new month in a new year with a chance for new beginnings.

May 2013 bring you joy, happiness, laughter, and love.