Monday, January 16, 2012

Babies-R-Us Trip

I love Babies-R-Us. Buying baby shower gifts, and gifts for kids, has always been so much for me. I'm a "theme" gift giver. I enjoy going all bath stuff, all meal time, all whatever. I hate giving one big gift and prefer instead to buy a bathtub and fill it with lotions, towels, washcloths, etc. Ask anyone, when they saw a bunch of items from the same "category" come off the registry, they knew I had shopped. I love giving gifts and there is just something extra exciting about buying baby stuff. Since we lost the baby, I've been scared to go to Babies-R-Us.

My husband and I went to Babies-R-Us today to buy gifts for my boss. Sadly, the trip wasn't as fun as it would've been in the past. This isn't the first time I've been there since we lost the baby. I went on Black Friday, looking for gifts for my boss, but couldn't stay. I did a quick sweep of the store, was overwhelmed by emotion, and walked out. Today, I had my husband with me. In him I find strength and I know I wouldn't have been able to get through the trip without him.

We printed the registry and started trying to decide what we were going to by. Usually, this is the most exciting part for me. She didn't have a bathtub on there, maybe that's why I couldn't get into it. (The bath theme is my trademark.) We decided on what to get and started going through aisles. Usually, we take our time and go through all of the aisles, picking things out for which we'll want to register. We usually play with a few strollers, talking about which one would be best for us. There's usually a disagreement over which car-seat pattern we like. We usually go through the play pen aisle picking out which pattern we like. There is usually a stop at the bedding aisle and the furniture department. We always pick out a bedding set and complain about how expensive cribs are. Not today. We passed through the bedding department quickly and without taking a look. We only stopped so my husband could enjoy two rockers, complaining about their $500 price tag. Under normal emotions, I would sit with him, smiling and imagining that rocker in our nursery. Not today, I just said "let's go."

It wasn't fun today. I didn't want to look at car-seats or swings or play pens. I didn't want to sit in any rockers or look at any bedding. We should have had our shower by now...or it should be coming very soon. We should have been there today to buy the things we didn't get at our own shower. We should already know which swing we want and should already have the crib set up. Babies-R-Us visits should now be out of need for our own "coming soon" instead of for someone else. Though I am genuinely happy for my boss, it's still tough to go through the motions. As of now, I'm going to her shower. I don't know if by the time the shower comes I will be able to celebrate with everyone without breaking down. I don't want to cry and make it about me. I'll decide, that day, how much I can handle and will go or not go. either decision will be okay.

I've learned that it's okay to feel sad or angry or confused or whatever other emotion wants to come to the surface. I'm allowed to be scared to go to Babies-R-Us and I'm allowed to resent the women parking in the "Stork Parking." I'm allowed to be hesitant to walk down the swing aisle.  I'm allowed to be proud after I make it through the aisle without crying. I'm allowed to feel strong for having made it through the trip without a single tear. All of the emotions that came with, and are still coming for that matter, are okay, whatever they are. Today was a good day and I'm glad we went. I'm happy to have faced a fear and come out on top.

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