What You Haven't Been Told....Until Now

October 22, 2012- 3w2d

October 22, 2012

I've been tired lately. I've been waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I've had heartburn like I've never known before. Something is up. I woke up this morning with a great energy. I took my final exam and felt really good about it. I watched some TV and played with the dog a little. Easy peasy...normal Monday Funday. Then suddenly, I felt like crap. It was around 4:15 and I decided to take a nap. I told hubby to wake me up at 5 (I only wanted a short nap) but he said I looked comfy and he decided he'd just let me sleep. I woke up around 6 and didn't feel very refreshed. What the heck? We watched a little TV and I had to pee....again. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm supposed to get my period in 5 days so I'm within my "early result window." I peed on the stick expecting the same result I've had for the last few months: negative. Well, surprise surprise! Two little lines appeared within a minute. I smiled and silently walked out of the bathroom into the living room. Hubby was sitting on the computer and I slid the stick into his line of vision. It wasn't expected as he didn't know I had taken the test so it took a minute for him to register just what I was showing to him. He smiled and said "that looks like a pretty faint line." I told him the color didn't matter, just that it was there.  His smile got bigger and he leaned in and gave me a hug and a kiss. Here we go....again. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I know too much about what can go wrong and I'm afraid I'll be too overcome with worry and fear to enjoy this pregnancy. My only hope is that our angel is watching over his or her younger sibling (and us.) Let the journey begin...

October 23, 2012- 3w3d
Took another test with my "first morning pee." Yep, still positive.

October 24, 2012- 3w4d
Took another test when I got home from work. Still pregnant!

October 25, 2012- 3w5d
I called the doctor today. I'm waiting to hear back from him to see if he wants to see me or if I should wait for a "normal" appointment at 8 weeks. I'm about 99% sure that I am 3weeks5days today. It's so early! It's both exciting and terrifying to know this early. I'm trying not to get too too excited because I know how much can go wrong but it's hard. I'm thrilled. Hubby is thrilled. Our friends are thrilled. Yes, I've told a few folks. I know it's way too early but I couldn't keep it in. There are still a few people I need to tell but I'm trying to find a fun way. I know everyone says to wait until after the 1st trimester, but who cares. We want to celebrate this news with our friends. They're the ones who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives and we'll need them again if Gd forbid something happens. We had a lot of people who didn't know we were even pregnant last year until they read the blog and discovered something was wrong. This time, we want to enjoy it with our friends, even if it is only for a short time. (Ahhh, I hate even saying that but it's true.) I'm calling the baby "baby bean" and talk to it often. I know it's the size of a pen tip right now but I don't care. It's my little pen tip and I love it. Not sure why "Baby Bean." I think I just said it once and it stuck. As for symptoms, it's still way too early. I do get really tired and hot and nauseous every day around 4pm but that's it.

October 29, 2012- 4w2d
Baby Bean went to her first Eagles game yesterday. Of course, they lost and played like shit. Hell, he's going to have to get used to being let down if she's going to be an Eagles fan. I just wish I could enjoy the Flyers right now...start getting the baby used to hearing me yell "SCORE." Baby will be about 2 months old with the start of the 2013-14 season. CAN'T WAIT! Right now I'm sitting here watching Hurricane Sandy outside. She's blowing the tree across the street like crazy. We moved our cars into the garage as we expect this tree to come down! EEK

October 30, 2012- 4w3d
We survived Hurricane Sandy with no damage and we never lost power! Woo Hoo!

October 31, 2012- 4w4d
Okay, I'm freaking out. I have had no symptoms for two days now. I had been really tired but now, nada. I am freaking out that something is wrong. This time in my last pregnancy I had sore and tender boobies and I was exhausted. I know that every pregnancy is different but I can't help but be scared. I'm trying not to let fear minimize my excitement but it's hard. Happy Halloween, Baby Bean!'m trying not to let my imagination run wild with "what-ifs" but boy is it hard.

November 2, 2012- 4w6d
Well, my boobs hurt. It started a little yesterday and then bam, today it hit me. At first I thought it was mental but then I bumped one on my chair at work (don't ask) and OUCH! Yeah, definitely real pain. I guess that's a good sign? I talked to the doctor today to schedule my first prenatal appointment. It'll be 11/19 and I feel like that is FOREVER and a day away. He sent me the order for the ultrasound and I have to do that the week of the 12th. They kept calling it a viability scan and it was driving me mad. I hate that word and I spent my entire morning freaking out about what could go wrong at that appointment. I'm trying not to stress myself out but man, this sucks. Time is crawling and I just want to know everything is okay!

November 5, 2012- 5w2d
I scheduled my viability/dating scan for Monday, November 12th at 10:15am. This week is going to CRAWL!

November 6, 2012- 5w3d
Happy Election Day! Minor freak out tonight. Some "normal" preggo stuff that makes someone with PgAL brain freak out probably unnecessarily. Trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

November 9, 2012- 5w6d
In 69.5 hours I will know if this baby is growing and this is a "viable" pregnancy. SOOO nervous. Plus, the word viable is so ugly. Catch ya Monday with either good news (continuing this journal unpublished) or bad news (publishing the outcome along with the journal.)

November 12, 2012- 6w2d
Well, I'm not publishing the blog today. WOO HOO We just got back from our ultrasound and baby bean is measuring 6w +/-3 days (the tech isn't allowed to give a firm date.) This is right around where I think I am (I think I'm 6w2d today.) We got to see baby bean and see the little flutter of its heart (100 bpm). I started crying. I know we've made it to this milestone before but it's one small step toward becoming a mommy this time around. Though we're no where near "safe" and I still don't feel like I can "breath easy," it's a happy happy day. So anyway, I was told to drink 32 to 40 ounces of water. I drank 40 just to be safe. (I'm an overachiever, what can I say?) We got to the appointment and I had to wait. And wait. And wait. I couldn't hold it anymore and they told me I could go "release myself" a little. I did. Twice. We got into the room and the technician told me I was still too full. She asked me to go "release another 3/4." How the hell do you measure that?  Anyway, the tech was amazed at how much liquid my bladder could hold. Always nice to impress the woman holding a wand up your who hah. (I was allowed to fully release before the internal began.) Naturally, the first thing I did was look up "normal heart rate at 6 weeks." I saw conflicting reports but the majority of what I found said 90-110 is normal. I'm going with that and staying positive. As the PgAL mantra goes: "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." Staying positive....

November 13, 2012-5w6d (Yep, I was a few days off. This is official per the ultrasound.)
The doctor called last night. She confirmed my results and said the heartbeat was actually recorded as 105 bpb. That five beats made me feel better. Not sure why. She did say I measured 6w and put my due date as July 10, 2013. SO exciting. :) Oh, this means we actually found out we were pregnant at 2w5d! ! ! !

November 19, 2012- 6w5d
We met with Dr. Stack today. He did all of the usual first prenatal appointment work. I had a pap, boobie check, weight check, blood work, and pee test.  Easy peasy. And then, the talk. I knew it was coming but I really wasn't prepared for it. Dr. Stack talked about the sequential screen and I immediate got tense and the tears starting creeping up toward my eyes. With having had a trisomy baby in the past, my chances of having another are 1% to 2% greater than a woman who never had a trisomy pregnancy. He ordered the sequential screen and we have to meet with a geneticist. He did warn us that the geneticist would offer an amnio and would "scare the shit of you." Awesome, can't wait for that. I'll be 12w around my birthday so that's about when the sequential will be. Great, nothing like spending my birthday and the holidays petrified about that appointment. I've been crying on and off all day long. I'm trying to be positive but I am also trying to let myself feel my feelings.

November 26, 2012- 7w5d
I haven't been here in a while. I've had a few freak out moments and am still trying to stay positive. Part of staying positive, for me, means not thinking about being pregnant. When I think about it too much I get freaked out. Our next appointment for an ultrasound is our first sequential and it's at the end of December. IT'S FOREVER AWAY! Anyway, my boobs are sore and I'm still exhausted. Oh, and I'm moody as all hell. It doesn't take much to set me off these days. Hubby and I went to Sears tonight and I got my first pair of maternity jeans for this pregnancy. I know it's just bloat (not baby) right now but my jeans are just getting too uncomfy. Okay, off to watch The Voice.

November 29, 2012- 8w1d
Baby bean is a raspberry now. I love Wednesdays because my ticket on The Bump changes. WOO HOO I still have pretty much no symptoms. I know I'm lucky but I just WISH there was a sign I was pregnant. I have less than a month to wait for my 12w scan. I'm crazy scared and am just trying to stay positive. I think I've come up with an idea about how we'll announce the pregnancy.  I picked my baby shower theme. Thinking about things like that help make me happy...even it it's momentary. Hubby is doing laundry right now while I finish up homework and blog. He said he's trying to get used to more dishes, more laundry, and more cleaning up for baby. He said he wants to get used to the things that are "just going to be more." Maybe it's his nesting phase? I think it's his way of keeping his mind off of the fear that is consuming both of us. p.s- Candy Cane Hershey Kisses are just as amazing this year as I remember them being last year. Seriously, life changing. (No, it's not preggo related. I loved them this much last year.)

December 3, 2012- 8w5d
If you don't know what it means to have PgAL brain I envy you. Ugh.

December 4, 2012- 8w6d
I knew something was wrong. Everyone said my spotting was "normal" and a part of me wanted to believe them but I knew. We just got back from the doctor and she confirmed we lost our little one. She called it "horrible terrible bad luck" and assured us we will, eventually, have our precious little one.  She reassured us that it's no one's fault and we just happened to be the 1 in 5 who lose the baby at 8 weeks. It is what it is. We'll be okay; we still have each other...and we have all of you. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you really isn't enough to express how much your love and support means to us. I was supposed to leave for Utah tomorrow to celebrate the PRIDE award I received. So much for that; I'll be spending the day at the hospital instead.

~~Thanks for reading and for loving us the way that you do.~~

I'm a Donnie Girl in a Donnie World

I haven't blogged in about a month and I figured it was time. (And my best friend gave me a little nudge the other day.) So I started thinking about what I could write and I just wasn't sure. I've been wanting to write a blog about my camp family but I just can't put my GSC experience into words....yet. (That blog will come though!) So, what to write? Early last month I stumbled upon a new book that was being released on October 2nd. It was called Five Brothers and a Million Sisters and it was a biography about my favorite group of all time. Preorder? Absofreakinlutely!!! Well, here we are October 5th and I'm already almost done the book. (When I can, I read on the train to/from work.) The book has brought back so many wonderful memories and has just reaffirmed my love for those five boys from Boston. The book includes quotes from fans of all ages and, though I know nothing of these women, I feel a connection to each of their stories. Their stories are my stories. Our memories mirror each others. We really are a sisterhood: a family of blockheads that has been connected for 24 years, even through the 14 years our boys were "absent." We are a group of women (and some men) who refer to ourselves as a family and not as just fans. These guys played such an integral part of my childhood and I didn't realize just how much until I started reading this book. Today, they STILL play an integral part of my life, though their role is now a different one. It's less about school girl crush and more about respect, loyalty and appreciation. And so was born my inspiration for this blog post...

If you know me at all, you know I'm very proud of my love for the New Kids. They're all over my desk at work and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't listen to one or more (usually more) of their songs. I get made fun of for it...A LOT. I don't care. These guys helped shaped my youth and continue to inspire me in adulthood. Even at 30+, I can proudly say that Donnie Wahlberg is one of the most relevant inspirations in my life. (In fact, at a recent training of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People I wrote him as one of my top 3 most inspirational people. Yep, at 30, he's the one that I thought of.) I've been a "Donnie Girl" since 1988. I often joke that he's my "pop" husband and I still fantasize about what it would be like to meet him. As soon as he joined Twitter (follow me at @Champagne37) I started following him. I was one of his first followers and the highlight of 2010 was when he tweeted me. Now I get  lost in the thousands of girls that follow him but his  tweets are still the high points of my bad days. While my love for Ddub started as a school girl crush, it has grown into an adult respect that is difficult for me to put into words. He is, without a doubt, one of the most amazing men I "know." If you don't know his story, read it. Go ahead, roll your eyes, judge me, and call me a dork. I really don't care.

I didn't have an easy childhood. I was raised by a single mom and was forced to grow-up pretty quickly. I didn't experience many luxuries, we just couldn't afford them, but that made me more appreciative of the ones I did have. I count among my luxuries my NKOTB sheets, my black satin New Kids jacket, my cassette tapes, posters, pins, pogs, trading cards, pencil cases, etc. My most prized possession? My NKOTB sleeping bag. I asked my mom for it while I was away at summer camp and she sent it, making a young girl's dream come true. When I sit here and think about all of the New Kids swag I smile a big smile. I still get excited thinking about how much joy that group and their music brought to my life. They were a constant source of joy in what was an otherwise unstable environment. There were a lot of unknowns in my childhood, but one thing I knew was I could always count on the New Kids to make me smile. When they broke up in 1994, I was devastated. But, I was heading to high school and I had new adventures to which I could look forward. Let's fast forward to 2008....the New Kids on the Block reunited and a tour is announced.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I. Went. Crazy. All of the excitement and love I felt from '88 to '94 came flooding back. I HAD to get to a show! Imagine my excitement when I saw that they'd be in Atlantic City, NJ on September 27, 2008: the very night I was to have my bachelorette party! ! ! Yep, the stars aligned and I was finally going to get to my first New Kids show. It was AMAZING and I left the Borgata showroom in tears. I was just overcome with emotion at finally having had a dream come true. I waited patiently for 20 years to see "my" boys and it was incredible. I used to be sad that I never got to see a show as a young girl. Now, I'm thankful. I wouldn't have appreciated it the way I do now. When that opening montage asked "Are You Ready?" and answered with "It's Time" I was overcome with a feeling I had never known before. It was so foreign to me and I cried. I still cry watching that montage and I still have a difficult time putting in to words what I feel because of NKOTB. The passion and energy and excitement that the New Kids bring to my life is unmatched by anything else I love it. I went on to attend 3 more shows during the 2008/09 tour and would've done a hundred more if that whole work thing didn't get in the way. Unfortunately I haven't been able to afford any of the cruise events but attending  is on my bucket list. It'll stay there until the guys decide to stop hosting and that ship has sailed (pun intended.) I WILL meet Donnie one day; mark my words. While their reunion filled an unknown void that was present for 14 years, meeting him and thanking him for his years of inspiration will be the ultimate dream come true. I have to do it to be complete.

The New Kids reuniting sparked a new excitement in my life. I was taken back to my childhood and the memories of dancing around my room to Cover Girl came back as if they had happened just yesterday. (I'm not ashamed to admit that this does still happen on some yesterdays.) I was engaged in the hype that was their reunion and was reminded about how important it is to hold the "little" things close to your heart. I was reminded of how important loyalty and passion are to success. I witnessed a devotion and gratitude to the legions of blockheads that instantly welcomed them back after 14 years. This gratitude to their fans is unmatched by any other group in history. (Don't argue with me on this; you won't change my mind.) The New Kids on the Block reuniting reminded me how important it is to never stop dreaming and how important it is to believe in yourself. I am inspired by at least one New Kid every day (thanks, Twitter) and am so very proud to call myself a Blockhead, a Donnie Girl, part of Ddub's army, a fan, and one of a million and one sisters.

This may all seem silly and trivial to you and that's okay. This blog isn't about you. It's about me making sense of my world and the New Kids on the Block are a big part of my world. I honestly believe that I wouldn't be who I am today without them. I feel indebted to each of the guys and hope that some day I can meet them and thank them in person. I could have gone on for pages and pages and pages about what I learned and continue to learn from Danny, Donnie, Joey, Jonathan, and Jordan. I could devote an entire blog (not just a post) to our New Kids family but Blue Bloods is coming on and I need to go watch.

Thanks for reading!

Positivity is not about being soft. It's about being smart. You sucka!

It's Gettin' Ugly

I haven't posted a blog in quite some time. Sorry about that but life has just been sooooo busy. I can't even tell you why, but man do I need a break. This week is no exception. My sister-in-law married her best friend last Saturday so now I have a brother! It was a great wedding and hubs and me are thrilled that she's found someone to keep her smiling. Most of you know that I didn't always have a great relationship with my hub's immediate family. It was pretty rough for a really long time. After we lost the baby things seemed to take a turn for the better. His mom texted me every day I was out of work just to check-in. It was a really nice gesture and one I appreciated more than she knows. After that, our relationship seemed to be on the mend. Sometimes emotional tragedy has a way of bringing people together and if something positive had to come from our loss I'm glad it was that. We may not be at 100% just yet but we'll get there. All things in time. Bottom line is, we had an awesome weekend with the family and look forward to many more. We're even planning a family vacation for next summer...who would've thunk it?!?!?

This week hasn't been easy. September 2nd was the one-year anniversary of our finding out that our peanut wasn't going to make it. This time last year I was in a daze. I spent this week crying and just going through the motions trying to survive. In 4 short days it'll be the one year anniversary of when we terminated the pregnancy. Ugh. Luckily I'll be spending the day with some of my besties; we'll be shopping for bridesmaid dresses and watching my bestie try on wedding dresses. That should keep my mind off of the horror that is and always will be September 9th.

So, just as emotional tragedy can often lead to mended relationships, it can also ruin them. Maybe it's just that I'm more emotional this week but I'm going nuts here. We're in the heart of our 2012 Presidential Election and it's getting ugly.. UGH! They say you shouldn't talk politics or religion with friends but no one listens. With Facebook, everyone is posting political messages, posters, links and quotes. I have a lot of "friends" who are Republicans. That's okay with me...in most cases! I enjoy a good debate and truly do respect people who are willing to stand up for what they believe. I think that our freedom to disagree is what makes being an American so great. I don't, however, like being offended or called names or shamed. The 2012 Republican platform centers around abortion. Of course, why wouldn't it? If you've read my blog or know me at all, you know that I am 100% pro-choice. (After everything that happened with our little peanut my commitment to preserving a woman's right to choose is even more important to me.) This issue, for me, is probably the most important of this year's election. I know that abortion is and always will be a touchy subject. People who engage in the debate, on either side, are passionate. Passionate is one thing; disrespectful is another.

As I said earlier, this election is getting ugly. It's bringing out anger in people and it's getting nasty. Lately, it's getting worse. I don't understand how anyone with a uterus could ever vote for Romney/Ryan but that's neither here nor there. Everyone has the right to vote for the candidate with whom they connect most. I respect anyone who is informed and exercises his right to vote. The RNC was last week and the DNC started last night; maybe that's what sparked all of this ugly. Who knows? What I do know is that I have seen sides of my "friends" that I both wish I never saw and that I appreciate seeing. Most Republicans are pro-life. Again, that's okay. Your political or personal position on abortion is a-okay with me. As I've said a million times before, we have the right to disagree about anything and everything. What's not okay with me is when you call me a baby killer. I saw a post on a friend's page last night. It was a political quote centered around the abortion debate on which some of his or her friends had commented. My "friend" wrote the words baby killer. Awesome, right? Side note: when I had my abortion last year this person supported me through it and said all the right things. Now I know it was fake and insincere. I was upset about it last night but now I'm over it. I don't have time to waste on ignorance; it's not worth it.

I have spent the last year sharing my story with hundreds of women/families that have faced similar situations. This blog has allowed me to heal in a way that I know I wouldn't have without it. I have felt so supported by so many unexpected people (yes, I'm talking about my Republican friends here) and can finally say I'm in a really good place. I will continue to share my story and support other women and families that are faced with tragedy. I will continue my fight for women's rights and will continue to hold my head up high. I will keep trying to open people's eyes to the "other side" of the abortion debate. The side that doesn't center around rape or unwanted pregnancy. I will continue to share with anyone willing to listen and will proudly cast my vote on November 6th for the man who is fighting for MY right to choose what I do with MY body.

Summer Lovin'

Best Friends <3

This past week my husband and I crashed my best friend's family vacation. Well, let me rephrase...we were invited but we felt like we were crashing. Every few years my best friend's entire family gathers at the beach for a week of family fun. When we were first invited I said we wouldn't go. I felt bad. If you know me, you know that I don't like to impose on any situation. My best friend assured me it was fine and we decided to accept the invitation. Aside from a weekend in Atlantic City here and there, hubby and I haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon four years ago!

Crossing the bridge into OKI.

After a 9 hour drive, we arrived in Oak Island, NC. It was beautiful! The drive wasn't bad. We played travel bingo and the license plate game. I think we're still looking for 35 states but we'll continue the game on our next trip! We went straight to the condo and changed into our swimsuits and met the family at the pool. Not 15 minutes after we arrived and we were already soaking up the sun. Lovely. From the moment we walked in we felt welcome. The entire family embraced us with smiles and beer. What could be better, right?

Sunday night (night1) started with a big dinner out at The Lucky Fisherman. They had a great seafood buffet and I tried pineapple trigger fish. If you know me, you know this was adventurous for me! It was delish and I'd totally try it again. Me eating fish...who would've thunk it? Monday night brought us to our first family dinner. All of the siblings split up the nights of the week to feed everyone and the family gets together in one condo to enjoy the meal together. Monday was my best friend's dad & uncle's night. We had pizza and salad; can't go wrong with that! Tuesday was another family dinner night hosted by two of my bestie's aunts. We had tacos and everything was delish; I ate way too much.

My Ragin' Cajun Steampot @ Joe's. 

Wednesday was a free night so hubby and I had date night. We drove about 40 minutes to Myrtle Beach and went to Joe's Crabshack at Barefoot Landing. We finished up with a trip to Maggie Moo's and it was yummy. Best. Ice. Cream. Ever. Thursday was another family dinner night, hosted by my bestie's aunt and her grandparents. It was also her cousin's 10th birthday so we had a luau and celebrated together. We ate delicious pulled BBQ chicken and the most delicious black bean salsa I've ever had. Why am I detailing our eating escapades? Well, because we were included in every family dinner and that was special for us. The family didn't have to include us and didn't have to extend the invite for family dinner but they did. ALL week we were included in every plan, activity, dinner or event. The entire family welcomed us with open arms and we were so grateful.

Breaking into teams for the Amazing Race.

The entire week was nothing but sun, smiles and relaxation. We spent our mornings at the beach and our afternoons at the pool. We jumped waves, walked the beach, dug for sand crabs and had tea parties in the pool. (Don't judge, there were little kids there!) We laughed A LOT and just had a blast getting to know everyone. We also got to participate in the family activity, an intense Amazing Race around OKI. The entire family broke into teams and raced around the island performing different "stunts" in a race to finish first. My team came in last but we still had a blast. Well, a blast aside from the pitcher of Killian's we had to chug. Nastiest. Beer. Ever.

Cousins at Rumor's

We also got to enjoy "Cousin's Night." Everyone (21+) went out for the night. We hit up Rumor's Night Club and danced the night away.  My bestie's sister made a new friend and everyone enjoyed dancing, laughing and just being together. It was so nice to see the cousins together. I don't have a big family and my cousins and I don't talk much. It's unfortunate but it is what it is. Don't get me wrong, I know my cousins would be there for me if I needed them, but we just don't stay in touch the way we should. My friends have become my family and this week my family grew. I really can't say it enough; I am so grateful.

This past week was really amazing. I would probably rate it as my best vacation ever. Yes, it was that good and we're already talking about going back next summer! After everything that 2011 put us through we needed this. An entire week to just shut our minds down, relax, and be reminded of what is really important in life: family. I loved seeing my bestie laugh with her sisters and play with her niece. I cherished the family bonding and was inspired by their love for each other. I made sure to thank each sibling individually and each had the same response, "it was our pleasure." No, it was OUR pleasure. If any of you are reading this, let me say it again: THANK YOU for welcoming us and making us feel like a part of your family. You are really wonderful people and we're lucky to count you among our friends. If you're ever in/near Philly, hit us up!

We made so many wonderful new friends this week and we will treasure the memories of this trip for many years to come.

A Year Ago Today...

My boobs are so sore. It has been a few days and I think I'm coming down with something; I'm achy. My mom came over for dinner tonight and when she hugged me goodbye I wanted to cry. IT HURT! Well come to think of it, I'm not just sore, I think my boobs are actually bigger Not only that, but I have been overly emotional this week. I've been crying at random points. Maybe I'm just getting my period? Oh hell, what's going on?!?!?

As soon as mom pulled away, hubby and I hopped in the car and drove to Target. I intended to buy IcyHot and a pregnancy test. Hubs talked me out of the IcyHot so we just got the preggo test. I got home and had to pee....come to think of it, I had been peeing a lot that week. Within seconds, that second blue line appeared. Holy shit; we're pregnant. I started yelling from the bathroom and hubby just kept saying, "are you pregnant?" I couldn't talk. You have all these grand ideas about how joyful the moment you see that line will be. You'll smile, and hug and it'll be amazing. Nope, not really. I threw up. (One of only two times I would throw up during the entire pregnancy.) We were excited, but we were scared! That was July 1, 2011 and so began the most emotionally difficult journey of our lives.

I couldn't get used to the idea that I was pregnant. Are we ready? Can we afford this? Will we be good parents? Are you going to wake up at 6:00am to put my shoes on for me when I can't bend over to do it? This baby is going to be due in March. What if it's snowing? How is Foster going to be with a baby? Shit, we have to get a room ready. What if it's a girl? What will we name her? What if it's a boy? What will we name him? Oh no, if my calculations are right we're going to miss Michael's first birthday. Our friends are going to freak out. Who will we name as the godparents? What if my water breaks and I'm on the El? I wonder if I'll be able to adjust my hours at work. What will we do for daycare? Should we move to the suburbs before the kid starts school?
AHHHHHHH THIS IS SCARY!

Here we are a full year from that night and SO much has happened. I got promoted. Hubby got a new job. A billion friends have given birth to beautiful baby boys and girls. The nursery is painted a beautiful shade of yellow. And we still do not have a baby. At 12 weeks 5 days into the pregnancy we got the devastating news that our baby had a fatal prenatal diagnosis. At 13 weeks 5 days, we terminated the pregnancy via a D&E. While it was the most difficult and painful decision to make, we know in our heart of hearts it was the RIGHT decision. Even a year later, knowing our baby should be approaching 4 months old, we know it was the right decision.

I have mostly good days now. I still think about what we've been through but I have learned to cope. It still makes me sad and there are still nights that I cry, but for the most part I'd say I'm okay. The thought of being pregnant again, whenever that happens, both thrills and petrifies me. There are days I want to be pregnant yesterday and there are days I'm too scared to even imagine it.   Whatever happens, baby or no baby, hubby and I will be okay. We've got a lot of love to share and an amazing support system to help us through anything. We are so so blessed. But, here we are...July 1, 2012 and I'm pretty emotional. These "milestones" as they're so inappropriately called are tough. Luckily an old friend, with whom I thought I had lost touch, took me out to dinner and to the casino for a night of fun and laughter. It was exactly what I needed and he'll never really know what tonight meant to me.

Here is a quick list of our Summer 2011 "milestones."

• July 1st: Found out we were pregnant via at-home test. 
• July 11th: Doctor officially confirmed we were pregnant. 
• July 18th: First ultrasound/saw the heartbeat.
•  August 8th: Heard the heartbeat/Told my mom she was going to be a Bubby!
• August 14th: Told Hubby's parents/sister they'd be grandparents/aunt.
• September 2nd: Got the sad news that our baby would not survive and had a fatal diagnosis.
• September 8th: Final ultrasound. (Did not watch or listen.... too painful.)
• September 9th: Terminated the pregnancy.
• November 4th: Got the test results back to confirm triploidy, and received the wonderful news that the disorder is NOT genetic and has less than a 1% chance of occurring in a future pregnancy.

So today begins my summer of milestones. I'm not looking forward to reliving the pain we felt last year but I will not avoid it. I will confront each memory with strength, compassion and sadness. I will continue to share my story with women everywhere to let them know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  September is going to be tough, but I'm ready. I have received so much love and support, especially through this blog, and I know I'll get through it.

Here's to our happy ending, however it happens....

The Fight Goes On...

Here we go again...

I just read an article about a proposed merger between two hospitals in my area. The article explains how one hospital is going to stop performing abortions out of respect for the Catholic mission of the other. The "other" hospital, with the Catholic mission, is the hospital affiliated with my gynecologist. So, how did I have an abortion if they're not able to perform them? Well, I was referred to a highly qualified doctor at different hospital. Though my doctor could not perform the procedure the CHOICE was still mine to make and I was still educated about ALL of my options, including those that go against my hospital's "Catholic mission."  What I women to understand is that while this decision does eliminate the hospital as a choice provider for the procedure, it doesn't eliminate the woman's choice to move forward with what is very often the most difficult decision of a woman's life. As long as our doctors are still educating patients, regardless of religious missions, we need to be thankful for the care we're receiving.

We need to keep the focus on the RIGHT fight. I also wish people would  keep in mind how hurtful comments on articles like that can be. Women who have faced this tragedy have been shamed enough. They've felt enough sadness, fear, guilt, anger and hopelessness.  I still get really upset when people argue without validity. Everyone always goes back to the "abortion is not birth control" fight or the "don't sleep around and you won't get pregnant" fight. UGH! That kills me. I am married. I am educated. I have a job. I wanted a baby. I intentionally got pregnant because my hubby and I wanted to share our love with the next generation of our family.  Sadly, nature had other plans for us and we played the cards we were dealt the best way we knew how. Even more tragic, is this is a more commonly dealt hand than we'd like to know. I am just thankful that this blog has reached so many women. I am happy to be a voice for the "other" side and am thankful that my words help comfort others who have faced, or are facing, similar situations.

I remember when our doctor gave us the fatal diagnosis. It's a conversation I replay in my head over and over and one I don't think I'll EVER forget. I used to have a really hard time admitting that I had an abortion. As I've said before, though I'm pro-choice for America, I'm pro-life for me. I NEVER thought I'd be faced with a situation that forced me to terminate my own baby's life. As much as it feels like forever ago it feels just like yesterday. I'll also never forget when she said "we cannot do it here." It was like being stabbed in an already wounded heart. I trusted my doctor, and my doctor alone, and here I was being told he couldn't do the procedure because of the "nature of the hospital." It not only made me feel more scared, but also shamed me. Wow, am I really considering doing something so horrific that my own doctor won't/can't even perform it? Yes, yes I am. And I'm considering it because it's the best choice for me AND for my baby. Hubby and I made this decision out of selfless love, and no one will EVER make me feel differently.

Anyway, just had to vent cause these people on the message boards are driving me nuts!

Happy Father's Day

Any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy. We've all heard the saying, but what does it really mean? To me, it means that fatherhood extends far beyond just getting a woman pregnant. It's about being there. It's about putting your child before you put yourself. It's about sharing in joys and comforting pains. It's about loving through the tears and making everything all better, even when you know it's not always okay. It's about always being the man your baby girl can count on when other men break her heart. It's about loving someone else more than you will ever love yourself. Today should be hubby's first father day, but as you know it didn't work out that way. I do know that he will fulfill the Daddy role in a beautiful and awesome way. Our time will come....
 
My parents split up when I was 2 or 3 and I lived with my mom. I saw my dad every weekend and he was very involved in my life. I have some amazing memories of times with my dad. Daddy/daughter days. Puzzles. Models (the kind you build not the kind you stare at.) Bike rides. Pizza on Fridays. Fishing trips to LBI. Barbies. Family Dinners on Sundays. T.G.I.F, Hunter and Sisters. 610 WIP on my way to school. In fact,  Angelo (broadcaster on WIP) used to do a Winners/Weasels contest every week. I won one week when I nominated my dad as my winner and Angelo as my weasel. (Angelo was having a dad of the year contest and I named him my weasel because he never announced the way to nominate to your dad so I missed my chance.) I had the best of both worlds: a mom who loved me and a dad, step-mom and step-brother who loved me. I belonged to two families.

When I was 12, my dad broke up with his girlfriend, Marianne. I remember it like it was yesterday and I was crushed. They sat me down on the love seat and told me they were breaking up. Marianne was crying. I was crying. My father was visibly shaken. My only concern at that moment was making sure Marianne and her family would still be coming to my Bat Mitzvah. They were. I was so happy my 2nd family was still coming to my celebration that I didn't even think about how this break-up could change my life. After Marianne and my dad split-up, his priorities changed.

I won't go into all the details but the last fatherly thing my biological dad for me was walk out on my high school graduation. It was June 16, 1998 and it was his birthday. I watched him walk out just after my entire class was announced and it sucked. I got home and called him....at a bar; I knew he'd be there. He told me that it was his birthday and his friends were waiting for him. I told him "if you couldn't stay at my graduation, don't come to my graduation party." That was it, I was done. Some of you reading that may think it was pretty harsh. I don't. I was 17 years old and had been dealing with a lot of let downs for about 4 years.

When I was pregnant last year, I thought a lot about trying to reconnect with my dad. After all, like it or not, he will be my child's grandfather and who am I to take that relationship away from my baby. Before I had the chance to decide what to do, we terminated the pregnancy. Decision made. Three months after we lost the baby, my uncle died. Uncle Tony is my godfather and my father's brother. He has always been a special part of my life, even though ending my relationship with my father did impact my relationship with that side of the family. I wasn't really welcome anymore. It hurt, but I got over it. My uncle was always there whenever I needed him and was the first one to step up when my mom was in the hospital in 2006.(Happy Father's Day, Uncle Tony. I'm sorry I couldn't text you today.)

I saw my dad at my Uncle's funeral this past December and starting thinking about the day that I get the call that he's ill. What will I do? I have no idea. How will I feel? I have no clue. I do know that he's my father, and without him I wouldn't be who I am today. We learn just as much from our negative experiences as we do from our positive. I do know that I have some really wonderful memories from my childhood and a part of me hopes my baby will have memories with her grandfather too. (Side note, I will be so overly protective of that relationship if it happens. I cannot allow my father to hurt my baby the way he hurt me.) I don't know that my father is open to talking, as I've tried in the past. I sent him a letter and he didn't respond. He didn't even reach out to me when he knew I was getting married. I like to think that he misses his only daughter, his only child, but the truth is I just don't know.

Today, while I was food shopping, a song came on the loudspeaker. It's a song I VERY rarely hear and one I remember fondly. It's a song my father and I used to sing together, line by line, all the time. Even after all these years, I still remember every word and remember which lines I sang and which lines my father sang. It's by Elvis....a man my Uncle loved. Something tells me that my uncle had a hand in having this song play today, on Father's day, the day after my dad's birthday, while I was in the store. It brought a tear to my eye as I thought about all of the father's days my father has missed out on celebrating. I thought about how today should be my hubby's first father's day. I thought about how long it has been since I sang this song....

I don't really know the point of this blog tonight; I just had to write it. There is so much depth to the story/relationship between my father and me that I don't think I could even put it all into words if I wanted to. Anyway, Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. And to those of you that are just fathers, you're missing out.