A Year Ago Today...

My boobs are so sore. It has been a few days and I think I'm coming down with something; I'm achy. My mom came over for dinner tonight and when she hugged me goodbye I wanted to cry. IT HURT! Well come to think of it, I'm not just sore, I think my boobs are actually bigger Not only that, but I have been overly emotional this week. I've been crying at random points. Maybe I'm just getting my period? Oh hell, what's going on?!?!?

As soon as mom pulled away, hubby and I hopped in the car and drove to Target. I intended to buy IcyHot and a pregnancy test. Hubs talked me out of the IcyHot so we just got the preggo test. I got home and had to pee....come to think of it, I had been peeing a lot that week. Within seconds, that second blue line appeared. Holy shit; we're pregnant. I started yelling from the bathroom and hubby just kept saying, "are you pregnant?" I couldn't talk. You have all these grand ideas about how joyful the moment you see that line will be. You'll smile, and hug and it'll be amazing. Nope, not really. I threw up. (One of only two times I would throw up during the entire pregnancy.) We were excited, but we were scared! That was July 1, 2011 and so began the most emotionally difficult journey of our lives.

I couldn't get used to the idea that I was pregnant. Are we ready? Can we afford this? Will we be good parents? Are you going to wake up at 6:00am to put my shoes on for me when I can't bend over to do it? This baby is going to be due in March. What if it's snowing? How is Foster going to be with a baby? Shit, we have to get a room ready. What if it's a girl? What will we name her? What if it's a boy? What will we name him? Oh no, if my calculations are right we're going to miss Michael's first birthday. Our friends are going to freak out. Who will we name as the godparents? What if my water breaks and I'm on the El? I wonder if I'll be able to adjust my hours at work. What will we do for daycare? Should we move to the suburbs before the kid starts school?
AHHHHHHH THIS IS SCARY!

Here we are a full year from that night and SO much has happened. I got promoted. Hubby got a new job. A billion friends have given birth to beautiful baby boys and girls. The nursery is painted a beautiful shade of yellow. And we still do not have a baby. At 12 weeks 5 days into the pregnancy we got the devastating news that our baby had a fatal prenatal diagnosis. At 13 weeks 5 days, we terminated the pregnancy via a D&E. While it was the most difficult and painful decision to make, we know in our heart of hearts it was the RIGHT decision. Even a year later, knowing our baby should be approaching 4 months old, we know it was the right decision.

I have mostly good days now. I still think about what we've been through but I have learned to cope. It still makes me sad and there are still nights that I cry, but for the most part I'd say I'm okay. The thought of being pregnant again, whenever that happens, both thrills and petrifies me. There are days I want to be pregnant yesterday and there are days I'm too scared to even imagine it.   Whatever happens, baby or no baby, hubby and I will be okay. We've got a lot of love to share and an amazing support system to help us through anything. We are so so blessed. But, here we are...July 1, 2012 and I'm pretty emotional. These "milestones" as they're so inappropriately called are tough. Luckily an old friend, with whom I thought I had lost touch, took me out to dinner and to the casino for a night of fun and laughter. It was exactly what I needed and he'll never really know what tonight meant to me.

Here is a quick list of our Summer 2011 "milestones."

• July 1st: Found out we were pregnant via at-home test. 
• July 11th: Doctor officially confirmed we were pregnant. 
• July 18th: First ultrasound/saw the heartbeat.
•  August 8th: Heard the heartbeat/Told my mom she was going to be a Bubby!
• August 14th: Told Hubby's parents/sister they'd be grandparents/aunt.
• September 2nd: Got the sad news that our baby would not survive and had a fatal diagnosis.
• September 8th: Final ultrasound. (Did not watch or listen.... too painful.)
• September 9th: Terminated the pregnancy.
• November 4th: Got the test results back to confirm triploidy, and received the wonderful news that the disorder is NOT genetic and has less than a 1% chance of occurring in a future pregnancy.

So today begins my summer of milestones. I'm not looking forward to reliving the pain we felt last year but I will not avoid it. I will confront each memory with strength, compassion and sadness. I will continue to share my story with women everywhere to let them know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  September is going to be tough, but I'm ready. I have received so much love and support, especially through this blog, and I know I'll get through it.

Here's to our happy ending, however it happens....

A Year in Review

I'm sure you've heard the saying "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," right? Well ain't that the truth. I don't know that there was anyone more excited than me for 2011 to come to an end. The year started out wonderfully and ended with sadness and loss. I'm really hoping 2012 is a better year for my family. I don't have to hope too hard though, cause it can't be much worse!

Here is my year in review, broken down in quarters.

First Quarter (Homeless to Homeowner)
2011 started wonderfully. My husband threw me a wonderful 30th birthday with my closets friends and family. It was originally scheduled for December 2010 but mother nature had other plans. We rescheduled and celebrated in January. I drank too much, ate too much and drank a little more. Joyful! We continued our hunt for our first home. In February we celebrated my favorite holiday with a trip to Atlantic City. I love Valentines' Day. I don't care about the commercialism of the holiday, but I think it's a really nice reminder to just stop, even if for one day, and really show those you love that you appreciate them. Life gets busy and we don't always take the time to let those around us know we love them. February also gives  us the chance to build a tradition with our godson. Every February we take him to the circus for his birthday (his birthday is in March). The first time we took him (2010) he was only 2 (going on 3). This year, he was 3 (going on 4) and what a difference a year makes! Last year, he fell asleep. This year, he couldn't get enough. It was awesome! We also found the house we wanted to buy. It was February 28th. March always begins nicely. Our puppy's 5th birthday is on the 4th and our dear friends welcome their first born son on the same day. So exciting! We also put the bid in on the house and it was accepted with a 28-day schedule for closing! We closed on the house on March 28th and were (and are) so proud.

Second Quarter (Home Work and work and work and...)
April, as usual was uneventful. Rain rain rain and work work work. Our house was built in 1968 and only had one set of owners. The lovely couple that nurtured our house from its inception had an obsession with wallpaper. Our entire house, floor to ceiling (ceiling included!) was covered in wallpaper. April and May were spent wiping, sanding, cleaning, peeling and painting. Ugh.  May gave us the opportunity to have friends and family over for our first official "party." It was a great time and made us that much more excited about our home. June 1st we officially moved in to our new home. Our baby girl (the dog) needed a little time to get used to everything, but we loved it. It was nice to have our own space again but I have to admit....I missed seeing my mom every day. She's only about 1.5 miles away and I quickly got over my separation anxiety. (Yes, at 30 I'm not ashamed to say I need my mommy.) The house still wasn't homey so we continued working on it EVERY day and night. Sleep? Whatever

Third Quarter (Happiness to Heartache)
July brought some unexpected news. I was feeling really tired and my boobs were KILLING me. After dinner with my mom one night (July 1st) I looked at my husband and said, "Okay, let's go to Target; I think I'm pregnant and I need a test." I took an at home pregnancy test and that little blue line confirmed it...we were pregnant. Though we weren't not trying we weren't trying either. We were pretty shocked so I took another test. Yep, still pregnant. This would be the first of only two times I would throw up through my entire pregnancy. My cycle has always been irregular so we had no idea how far along I might be. My doctor couldn't get me in right away so I spent about two weeks just freaking out, both with fear and excitement. We decided not to tell anyone until it was confirmed. At the end of those 2 weeks, an ultra sound confirmed I was six weeks and 1 day. Ahhhhhhhhh! August continued with us telling our friends and family about our exciting news. Though not public, we were sharing with our loved ones. Our mom's were the best. My mom didn't cry becasuse she suspected it. She was beyond thrilled and was already itching to tell everyone she was going to be a Bubby. My mother-in-law cried. She and I haven't always had the best relationship so it was nice to see her excitement at our news. September was the hardest month as we were sadly forced to terminate our pregnancy. (See Baby Blues for details.) Two weeks after my surgery I joined Weight Watchers to help gain some control back in my life. I felt like I had lost total control and WW gave me something else to think about. Aside from WW, I really only thought about getting the results of the tests performed on the baby's tissue. Was this genetic and could I ever have babies of my own?

Fourth Quarter (The End is Near)

December was unseasonably warm and we decorated for our first Christmakkuh season in our new home. So fun! My husband and I both have December birthdays so I surprised him by planning a 3 day trip to Atlantic City. I also planned (and pulled off) a surprise 30th birthday party with his family and friends. He was shocked and had a blast. My birthday was not as exciting. I received word that my uncle (and godfather) was ill and in the hospital. We went to visit him December 26th and I'm happy I did. He died December 27th. My new year's eve day was spent at his funeral, saying goodbye to a man that will never know what  he really meant to me. His funeral was December 31st and I cried, a lot. I spent New Year's Eve afternoon and evening cuddled up on my couch with my puppy. We watched a few Hallmark channel movies and watched New Year's Rockin' Eve a little. It was perfect. My husband came home around 11pm and we watched the ball drop together, kissing goodbye to a craptastic year and kissing hello to a new year with new possibilities. We began a new tradition on 1/1/12 of having a traditional Thanksgiving dinner on New Year's Day. What a delicious way to bring in every new year from here on out....