Well THAT was awkward...

Tonight's blog was intended to be about family in a totally different sense. I made a phone call tonight that changed the tune...

It's 9:32pm on a Tuesday night and I just got off the phone with my father. Yep, you read that right: my father. After 18 years, the only word I can think of to explain the 7 minute conversation that just ended is: AWKWARD. Those of you that know me well know that I haven't had any relationship with my father since June 16, 1998...the day I graduated from high school and also his 42nd birthday. (Those of you that didn't know before, welp, now you know!) Before that sunny day in June of '98, the relationship could only be described as tumultuous at best.

A few weeks ago my aunt let me know that my father found my Bat Mitzvah proofs and he wanted to know if I wanted them. I don't have too many memories from my childhood but my Bat Mitzvah is one I hold in my heart. My mom worked her ass off to make that party special and it was an absolute blast! Of course I want the pictures! All these years I thought they were lost in a move and to learn that they're not was really exciting.

My aunt graciously offered to "arrange" for me to get them. I appreciated the offer but I want to get them myself. I want my father to be man enough to face me after all of these years. I want him to see the woman I've grown up to become. So I mustered the courage, after several weeks of contemplation, and made the call tonight.

Obviously I won't call him dad so I just started with "Hi, it's Amanda." It took him a second and then he responded with an excited "Oh, hi." I thanked him for finding the pictures and cut right to the point: "I can come pick them up this weekend." He was a little taken aback but he said he'd be home and gave me his address. He tried to make small talk and said, "so, what have you been up to?" I was silent for a few seconds and he said, "wow. I guess that was weird." Ummmmm, yeah. How do you ask your daughter after 18 years what she's been up to? Really? How was I supposed to respond? We talked for a few minutes about my living in Horsham and him calling me a "suburbanite." He said he'll probably be BBQing on Saturday and that I could have a hot dog but it wouldn't be kosher. He asked if I was coming alone and I told him my boyfriend is likely to come. He said his girlfriend and neighbors may be there. He was watching hockey (no surprise) and I could tell he'd been drinking. He asked what I did for a living and I gave him a snapshot. He said last he heard I wanted to be a journalist. Yes, father...when I was 17. Childhood dreams change. I wasn't interested (or ready for that matter) in small talk and it was getting more awkward. I answered his questions concisely and softly and ended the conversation pretty quickly.

As soon as I hung up, the tears poured. He's missed so much. He doesn't know me and I fear he may not even recognize me when I get there Saturday. I literally have zero expectations for how it will go. I have an idea of what it's probably going to be like but I don't want to make too many assumptions and psych myself out. I'm going to be nervous all week but I know I can do this. At least I'll have my Bat Mitzvah pictures! ! !

The Light

So one of my very best friends from high school recently found my blog. He and I hadn't been in touch for about 10 years and we reconnected a little over two months ago. It's always nice to reconnect with special people and it has been great catching up. Last week he read my blog for the first time and told me he thought it was dark. Not gonna lie... I was a little offended. I don't think it's dark; I think that it's honest. There are days when I feel dark and if my blog reflects that then so be it. Anyway, he recommended that I blog about all of the positive/good things in my life. While it's impossible to list everything that is good in my life, there are a few things for which I'm grateful EVERY SINGLE DAY. So, here goes:

• Hubby: I meant what I said on your birthday. You make it all okay and I couldn't do it without you. Thanks for choosing me for your forever. Love you. Love your show.
• Momma: You amaze me every day and have for the last 32 years. I only hope I can be half the mom to my child(ren) that you were to me. I am who I am (good and bad) because of you. (Well, except the OCD.)
• Sister: Twenty-one years and you're not sick of me; you deserve a medal. You are (always have been and always will be) my person. I love you always.
• My girls: They say our friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Thank you for choosing me and for always being there. The bonds that tie us are unbreakable and I'm thankful every day that I can call you my family.
• Jake & Sara: You are my heart and I couldn't love you more. Jake, thank you for ALWAYS making me smile. Sara, it has been way too long since we've seen each other but I love you every single day. I hope you both know that I will ALWAYS be here for you for anything that you need.
• My work family: Simply stated, I love you guys; you make my every day worth it. Thanks for all the laughs and love.
• My friends: I don't know what to say other than I FREAKING LOVE YOU.
• My GSC family: I am who I am because of you. Whether it's a week, a month, a year, or more, we're family and I cherish that always. My memories of our time(s) together fill my heart with such joy. I am thankful for every memory we made in our home away from home.
• Puppers: I know you can't read but you are my love. Your kisses make my bad days better and my good days great. Thanks for knowing exactly what I need and for being the best cuddle-bugger ever.
• The Internet: THANK YOU Al Gore (kidding!) for making it possible for me to stay connected to everyone. I love knowing that with just a click we can reconnect and check-in to let each other know we're thinking of the other. Let's try to do it in person more frequently.
• My former campers: Many of us are still in touch and some of you even read this blog. Please know how special you made my summers. I learned more from you in those years than I could ever have hoped to teach you. I am so proud of the young men and women you have become.
• New Kids on the Block: You have brought a smile to my face since 1988. You filled my childhood with love and excitement and taught me how to dance like no one is watching. Your reunion reminded me that dreams really can come true if you never give up. Thanks for making this only child one of a million sisters.  (Readers: you can make fun of me all you want for having them on my list. I'm dancing like no one is watching and I don't care.)
• Ellen: Thanks for proving that kindness and generosity are the most beautiful accessories we can wear. You inspire me every day.
• The little things: You matter so much and I'm thankful that I know that.
• The person who told me to write this blog: Thank you. You are very special to me and I love you.

(These are in no particular order by the way!)

With that, I'm going to sign off. This blog could wind up being a million words long because I'm that lucky. While the last two years have been a struggle for our family, I've never lost sight of the fact that I'm a pretty lucky lady. I have a great husband, an awesome mom, amazeballs friends, and a job that allows me to help people (almost) every day. Yes, some days are dark but that's okay because no day lasts forever.

What You Haven't Been Told....Until Now

October 22, 2012- 3w2d

October 22, 2012

I've been tired lately. I've been waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I've had heartburn like I've never known before. Something is up. I woke up this morning with a great energy. I took my final exam and felt really good about it. I watched some TV and played with the dog a little. Easy peasy...normal Monday Funday. Then suddenly, I felt like crap. It was around 4:15 and I decided to take a nap. I told hubby to wake me up at 5 (I only wanted a short nap) but he said I looked comfy and he decided he'd just let me sleep. I woke up around 6 and didn't feel very refreshed. What the heck? We watched a little TV and I had to pee....again. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm supposed to get my period in 5 days so I'm within my "early result window." I peed on the stick expecting the same result I've had for the last few months: negative. Well, surprise surprise! Two little lines appeared within a minute. I smiled and silently walked out of the bathroom into the living room. Hubby was sitting on the computer and I slid the stick into his line of vision. It wasn't expected as he didn't know I had taken the test so it took a minute for him to register just what I was showing to him. He smiled and said "that looks like a pretty faint line." I told him the color didn't matter, just that it was there.  His smile got bigger and he leaned in and gave me a hug and a kiss. Here we go....again. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I know too much about what can go wrong and I'm afraid I'll be too overcome with worry and fear to enjoy this pregnancy. My only hope is that our angel is watching over his or her younger sibling (and us.) Let the journey begin...

October 23, 2012- 3w3d
Took another test with my "first morning pee." Yep, still positive.

October 24, 2012- 3w4d
Took another test when I got home from work. Still pregnant!

October 25, 2012- 3w5d
I called the doctor today. I'm waiting to hear back from him to see if he wants to see me or if I should wait for a "normal" appointment at 8 weeks. I'm about 99% sure that I am 3weeks5days today. It's so early! It's both exciting and terrifying to know this early. I'm trying not to get too too excited because I know how much can go wrong but it's hard. I'm thrilled. Hubby is thrilled. Our friends are thrilled. Yes, I've told a few folks. I know it's way too early but I couldn't keep it in. There are still a few people I need to tell but I'm trying to find a fun way. I know everyone says to wait until after the 1st trimester, but who cares. We want to celebrate this news with our friends. They're the ones who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives and we'll need them again if Gd forbid something happens. We had a lot of people who didn't know we were even pregnant last year until they read the blog and discovered something was wrong. This time, we want to enjoy it with our friends, even if it is only for a short time. (Ahhh, I hate even saying that but it's true.) I'm calling the baby "baby bean" and talk to it often. I know it's the size of a pen tip right now but I don't care. It's my little pen tip and I love it. Not sure why "Baby Bean." I think I just said it once and it stuck. As for symptoms, it's still way too early. I do get really tired and hot and nauseous every day around 4pm but that's it.

October 29, 2012- 4w2d
Baby Bean went to her first Eagles game yesterday. Of course, they lost and played like shit. Hell, he's going to have to get used to being let down if she's going to be an Eagles fan. I just wish I could enjoy the Flyers right now...start getting the baby used to hearing me yell "SCORE." Baby will be about 2 months old with the start of the 2013-14 season. CAN'T WAIT! Right now I'm sitting here watching Hurricane Sandy outside. She's blowing the tree across the street like crazy. We moved our cars into the garage as we expect this tree to come down! EEK

October 30, 2012- 4w3d
We survived Hurricane Sandy with no damage and we never lost power! Woo Hoo!

October 31, 2012- 4w4d
Okay, I'm freaking out. I have had no symptoms for two days now. I had been really tired but now, nada. I am freaking out that something is wrong. This time in my last pregnancy I had sore and tender boobies and I was exhausted. I know that every pregnancy is different but I can't help but be scared. I'm trying not to let fear minimize my excitement but it's hard. Happy Halloween, Baby Bean!'m trying not to let my imagination run wild with "what-ifs" but boy is it hard.

November 2, 2012- 4w6d
Well, my boobs hurt. It started a little yesterday and then bam, today it hit me. At first I thought it was mental but then I bumped one on my chair at work (don't ask) and OUCH! Yeah, definitely real pain. I guess that's a good sign? I talked to the doctor today to schedule my first prenatal appointment. It'll be 11/19 and I feel like that is FOREVER and a day away. He sent me the order for the ultrasound and I have to do that the week of the 12th. They kept calling it a viability scan and it was driving me mad. I hate that word and I spent my entire morning freaking out about what could go wrong at that appointment. I'm trying not to stress myself out but man, this sucks. Time is crawling and I just want to know everything is okay!

November 5, 2012- 5w2d
I scheduled my viability/dating scan for Monday, November 12th at 10:15am. This week is going to CRAWL!

November 6, 2012- 5w3d
Happy Election Day! Minor freak out tonight. Some "normal" preggo stuff that makes someone with PgAL brain freak out probably unnecessarily. Trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

November 9, 2012- 5w6d
In 69.5 hours I will know if this baby is growing and this is a "viable" pregnancy. SOOO nervous. Plus, the word viable is so ugly. Catch ya Monday with either good news (continuing this journal unpublished) or bad news (publishing the outcome along with the journal.)

November 12, 2012- 6w2d
Well, I'm not publishing the blog today. WOO HOO We just got back from our ultrasound and baby bean is measuring 6w +/-3 days (the tech isn't allowed to give a firm date.) This is right around where I think I am (I think I'm 6w2d today.) We got to see baby bean and see the little flutter of its heart (100 bpm). I started crying. I know we've made it to this milestone before but it's one small step toward becoming a mommy this time around. Though we're no where near "safe" and I still don't feel like I can "breath easy," it's a happy happy day. So anyway, I was told to drink 32 to 40 ounces of water. I drank 40 just to be safe. (I'm an overachiever, what can I say?) We got to the appointment and I had to wait. And wait. And wait. I couldn't hold it anymore and they told me I could go "release myself" a little. I did. Twice. We got into the room and the technician told me I was still too full. She asked me to go "release another 3/4." How the hell do you measure that?  Anyway, the tech was amazed at how much liquid my bladder could hold. Always nice to impress the woman holding a wand up your who hah. (I was allowed to fully release before the internal began.) Naturally, the first thing I did was look up "normal heart rate at 6 weeks." I saw conflicting reports but the majority of what I found said 90-110 is normal. I'm going with that and staying positive. As the PgAL mantra goes: "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." Staying positive....

November 13, 2012-5w6d (Yep, I was a few days off. This is official per the ultrasound.)
The doctor called last night. She confirmed my results and said the heartbeat was actually recorded as 105 bpb. That five beats made me feel better. Not sure why. She did say I measured 6w and put my due date as July 10, 2013. SO exciting. :) Oh, this means we actually found out we were pregnant at 2w5d! ! ! !

November 19, 2012- 6w5d
We met with Dr. Stack today. He did all of the usual first prenatal appointment work. I had a pap, boobie check, weight check, blood work, and pee test.  Easy peasy. And then, the talk. I knew it was coming but I really wasn't prepared for it. Dr. Stack talked about the sequential screen and I immediate got tense and the tears starting creeping up toward my eyes. With having had a trisomy baby in the past, my chances of having another are 1% to 2% greater than a woman who never had a trisomy pregnancy. He ordered the sequential screen and we have to meet with a geneticist. He did warn us that the geneticist would offer an amnio and would "scare the shit of you." Awesome, can't wait for that. I'll be 12w around my birthday so that's about when the sequential will be. Great, nothing like spending my birthday and the holidays petrified about that appointment. I've been crying on and off all day long. I'm trying to be positive but I am also trying to let myself feel my feelings.

November 26, 2012- 7w5d
I haven't been here in a while. I've had a few freak out moments and am still trying to stay positive. Part of staying positive, for me, means not thinking about being pregnant. When I think about it too much I get freaked out. Our next appointment for an ultrasound is our first sequential and it's at the end of December. IT'S FOREVER AWAY! Anyway, my boobs are sore and I'm still exhausted. Oh, and I'm moody as all hell. It doesn't take much to set me off these days. Hubby and I went to Sears tonight and I got my first pair of maternity jeans for this pregnancy. I know it's just bloat (not baby) right now but my jeans are just getting too uncomfy. Okay, off to watch The Voice.

November 29, 2012- 8w1d
Baby bean is a raspberry now. I love Wednesdays because my ticket on The Bump changes. WOO HOO I still have pretty much no symptoms. I know I'm lucky but I just WISH there was a sign I was pregnant. I have less than a month to wait for my 12w scan. I'm crazy scared and am just trying to stay positive. I think I've come up with an idea about how we'll announce the pregnancy.  I picked my baby shower theme. Thinking about things like that help make me happy...even it it's momentary. Hubby is doing laundry right now while I finish up homework and blog. He said he's trying to get used to more dishes, more laundry, and more cleaning up for baby. He said he wants to get used to the things that are "just going to be more." Maybe it's his nesting phase? I think it's his way of keeping his mind off of the fear that is consuming both of us. p.s- Candy Cane Hershey Kisses are just as amazing this year as I remember them being last year. Seriously, life changing. (No, it's not preggo related. I loved them this much last year.)

December 3, 2012- 8w5d
If you don't know what it means to have PgAL brain I envy you. Ugh.

December 4, 2012- 8w6d
I knew something was wrong. Everyone said my spotting was "normal" and a part of me wanted to believe them but I knew. We just got back from the doctor and she confirmed we lost our little one. She called it "horrible terrible bad luck" and assured us we will, eventually, have our precious little one.  She reassured us that it's no one's fault and we just happened to be the 1 in 5 who lose the baby at 8 weeks. It is what it is. We'll be okay; we still have each other...and we have all of you. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you really isn't enough to express how much your love and support means to us. I was supposed to leave for Utah tomorrow to celebrate the PRIDE award I received. So much for that; I'll be spending the day at the hospital instead.

~~Thanks for reading and for loving us the way that you do.~~

Summer Lovin'

Best Friends <3

This past week my husband and I crashed my best friend's family vacation. Well, let me rephrase...we were invited but we felt like we were crashing. Every few years my best friend's entire family gathers at the beach for a week of family fun. When we were first invited I said we wouldn't go. I felt bad. If you know me, you know that I don't like to impose on any situation. My best friend assured me it was fine and we decided to accept the invitation. Aside from a weekend in Atlantic City here and there, hubby and I haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon four years ago!

Crossing the bridge into OKI.

After a 9 hour drive, we arrived in Oak Island, NC. It was beautiful! The drive wasn't bad. We played travel bingo and the license plate game. I think we're still looking for 35 states but we'll continue the game on our next trip! We went straight to the condo and changed into our swimsuits and met the family at the pool. Not 15 minutes after we arrived and we were already soaking up the sun. Lovely. From the moment we walked in we felt welcome. The entire family embraced us with smiles and beer. What could be better, right?

Sunday night (night1) started with a big dinner out at The Lucky Fisherman. They had a great seafood buffet and I tried pineapple trigger fish. If you know me, you know this was adventurous for me! It was delish and I'd totally try it again. Me eating fish...who would've thunk it? Monday night brought us to our first family dinner. All of the siblings split up the nights of the week to feed everyone and the family gets together in one condo to enjoy the meal together. Monday was my best friend's dad & uncle's night. We had pizza and salad; can't go wrong with that! Tuesday was another family dinner night hosted by two of my bestie's aunts. We had tacos and everything was delish; I ate way too much.

My Ragin' Cajun Steampot @ Joe's. 

Wednesday was a free night so hubby and I had date night. We drove about 40 minutes to Myrtle Beach and went to Joe's Crabshack at Barefoot Landing. We finished up with a trip to Maggie Moo's and it was yummy. Best. Ice. Cream. Ever. Thursday was another family dinner night, hosted by my bestie's aunt and her grandparents. It was also her cousin's 10th birthday so we had a luau and celebrated together. We ate delicious pulled BBQ chicken and the most delicious black bean salsa I've ever had. Why am I detailing our eating escapades? Well, because we were included in every family dinner and that was special for us. The family didn't have to include us and didn't have to extend the invite for family dinner but they did. ALL week we were included in every plan, activity, dinner or event. The entire family welcomed us with open arms and we were so grateful.

Breaking into teams for the Amazing Race.

The entire week was nothing but sun, smiles and relaxation. We spent our mornings at the beach and our afternoons at the pool. We jumped waves, walked the beach, dug for sand crabs and had tea parties in the pool. (Don't judge, there were little kids there!) We laughed A LOT and just had a blast getting to know everyone. We also got to participate in the family activity, an intense Amazing Race around OKI. The entire family broke into teams and raced around the island performing different "stunts" in a race to finish first. My team came in last but we still had a blast. Well, a blast aside from the pitcher of Killian's we had to chug. Nastiest. Beer. Ever.

Cousins at Rumor's

We also got to enjoy "Cousin's Night." Everyone (21+) went out for the night. We hit up Rumor's Night Club and danced the night away.  My bestie's sister made a new friend and everyone enjoyed dancing, laughing and just being together. It was so nice to see the cousins together. I don't have a big family and my cousins and I don't talk much. It's unfortunate but it is what it is. Don't get me wrong, I know my cousins would be there for me if I needed them, but we just don't stay in touch the way we should. My friends have become my family and this week my family grew. I really can't say it enough; I am so grateful.

This past week was really amazing. I would probably rate it as my best vacation ever. Yes, it was that good and we're already talking about going back next summer! After everything that 2011 put us through we needed this. An entire week to just shut our minds down, relax, and be reminded of what is really important in life: family. I loved seeing my bestie laugh with her sisters and play with her niece. I cherished the family bonding and was inspired by their love for each other. I made sure to thank each sibling individually and each had the same response, "it was our pleasure." No, it was OUR pleasure. If any of you are reading this, let me say it again: THANK YOU for welcoming us and making us feel like a part of your family. You are really wonderful people and we're lucky to count you among our friends. If you're ever in/near Philly, hit us up!

We made so many wonderful new friends this week and we will treasure the memories of this trip for many years to come.

Happy Father's Day

Any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy. We've all heard the saying, but what does it really mean? To me, it means that fatherhood extends far beyond just getting a woman pregnant. It's about being there. It's about putting your child before you put yourself. It's about sharing in joys and comforting pains. It's about loving through the tears and making everything all better, even when you know it's not always okay. It's about always being the man your baby girl can count on when other men break her heart. It's about loving someone else more than you will ever love yourself. Today should be hubby's first father day, but as you know it didn't work out that way. I do know that he will fulfill the Daddy role in a beautiful and awesome way. Our time will come....
 
My parents split up when I was 2 or 3 and I lived with my mom. I saw my dad every weekend and he was very involved in my life. I have some amazing memories of times with my dad. Daddy/daughter days. Puzzles. Models (the kind you build not the kind you stare at.) Bike rides. Pizza on Fridays. Fishing trips to LBI. Barbies. Family Dinners on Sundays. T.G.I.F, Hunter and Sisters. 610 WIP on my way to school. In fact,  Angelo (broadcaster on WIP) used to do a Winners/Weasels contest every week. I won one week when I nominated my dad as my winner and Angelo as my weasel. (Angelo was having a dad of the year contest and I named him my weasel because he never announced the way to nominate to your dad so I missed my chance.) I had the best of both worlds: a mom who loved me and a dad, step-mom and step-brother who loved me. I belonged to two families.

When I was 12, my dad broke up with his girlfriend, Marianne. I remember it like it was yesterday and I was crushed. They sat me down on the love seat and told me they were breaking up. Marianne was crying. I was crying. My father was visibly shaken. My only concern at that moment was making sure Marianne and her family would still be coming to my Bat Mitzvah. They were. I was so happy my 2nd family was still coming to my celebration that I didn't even think about how this break-up could change my life. After Marianne and my dad split-up, his priorities changed.

I won't go into all the details but the last fatherly thing my biological dad for me was walk out on my high school graduation. It was June 16, 1998 and it was his birthday. I watched him walk out just after my entire class was announced and it sucked. I got home and called him....at a bar; I knew he'd be there. He told me that it was his birthday and his friends were waiting for him. I told him "if you couldn't stay at my graduation, don't come to my graduation party." That was it, I was done. Some of you reading that may think it was pretty harsh. I don't. I was 17 years old and had been dealing with a lot of let downs for about 4 years.

When I was pregnant last year, I thought a lot about trying to reconnect with my dad. After all, like it or not, he will be my child's grandfather and who am I to take that relationship away from my baby. Before I had the chance to decide what to do, we terminated the pregnancy. Decision made. Three months after we lost the baby, my uncle died. Uncle Tony is my godfather and my father's brother. He has always been a special part of my life, even though ending my relationship with my father did impact my relationship with that side of the family. I wasn't really welcome anymore. It hurt, but I got over it. My uncle was always there whenever I needed him and was the first one to step up when my mom was in the hospital in 2006.(Happy Father's Day, Uncle Tony. I'm sorry I couldn't text you today.)

I saw my dad at my Uncle's funeral this past December and starting thinking about the day that I get the call that he's ill. What will I do? I have no idea. How will I feel? I have no clue. I do know that he's my father, and without him I wouldn't be who I am today. We learn just as much from our negative experiences as we do from our positive. I do know that I have some really wonderful memories from my childhood and a part of me hopes my baby will have memories with her grandfather too. (Side note, I will be so overly protective of that relationship if it happens. I cannot allow my father to hurt my baby the way he hurt me.) I don't know that my father is open to talking, as I've tried in the past. I sent him a letter and he didn't respond. He didn't even reach out to me when he knew I was getting married. I like to think that he misses his only daughter, his only child, but the truth is I just don't know.

Today, while I was food shopping, a song came on the loudspeaker. It's a song I VERY rarely hear and one I remember fondly. It's a song my father and I used to sing together, line by line, all the time. Even after all these years, I still remember every word and remember which lines I sang and which lines my father sang. It's by Elvis....a man my Uncle loved. Something tells me that my uncle had a hand in having this song play today, on Father's day, the day after my dad's birthday, while I was in the store. It brought a tear to my eye as I thought about all of the father's days my father has missed out on celebrating. I thought about how today should be my hubby's first father's day. I thought about how long it has been since I sang this song....

I don't really know the point of this blog tonight; I just had to write it. There is so much depth to the story/relationship between my father and me that I don't think I could even put it all into words if I wanted to. Anyway, Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. And to those of you that are just fathers, you're missing out.

I Can Totally Relate

As most of you probably know, I'm a huge fan of Bill Rancic and have been since his first appearance (yes, episode 1) of The Apprentice. As I "followed" his career, naturally I got to know Giuliana. I am a fan of their show and love watching them as a couple. (Though I am jealous of how often they're in Chicago!) This season has been difficult to watch and we're only two episodes in. As G deals with the personal struggle of her cancer diagnosis and as Bill tries to be the strong husband, whose only concern is for the well being of his wife, I find myself reflecting back on the last 7 months. We're watching her family come together and her friends give support. We're watching a husband filled with fear that he cannot show. It's all too familiar. Though my "condition" was not fatal, I too experienced the raw emotion that comes with the fear of the unknown.

Watching Bill tonight made me think back to how my hubby handled himself during our most difficult times. He was my strength, no doubt about it. I was completely dysfunctional and unable to think. I could really only bring myself to sit and cry. In fact, the week between getting the fatal diagnosis and my surgery is a complete blur. I remember nothing but thinking I couldn't possibly have another tear to shed only to be proven wrong. In contrast, I don't think hubby shed a tear until around mid-December. For all I know he was crying in the shower every night, but I never saw him face it until well after we got the news that the baby's condition was not genetic and we knew "everything would be okay." Tonight, watching the sadness in Bill's eyes I thought about what it must've been like for hubby to try to stay strong all while dealing with the emotion of losing his first baby and watching his wife go through a difficult surgery. To this day, I don't know how he held it together but I'm thankful he did. And hunni, if you're reading this....regardless of what you say....I know you'd walk to the edge of the ocean. I love you.

G's mom cracks me up. I lost count how many times Mama DePandi tried to feed Giuliana. Just like G's mom, my mom came racing to my side the day we found out about the baby. She was amazing. She gave me my space without ever making me feel alone. She supported me in the way she knew I needed her to...from a distance. I hated telling my mom that the grand-baby she has longed for since I married the hubby wasn't coming. It really broke my heart and there were times I was more upset for her than I was for us. As broken as her heart was (and is) she never, not once, made me feel badly about choosing to terminate. She supported our decision from the second we shared it and never wavered from her position that this was our family and she was there for us. Her hugs dried my tears. I'm 31-years-old and those hugs have dried A LOT of tears. For that, I will forever be thankful and grateful. She really is "Somebody's Hero." 

Tonight, we also go to see some of G's friends. We saw her friends lifting her up and making her smile. It brought a tear to my eye because sometimes I feel like I didn't have that. Our situation was tough and not many people knew what to say. For fear of saying the wrong thing, they just didn't say anything at all. At points, I felt pretty alone. I felt judged. I wanted to reach out but I knew that people were uncomfortable facing the reality of what we were going through. Hell, I was uncomfortable facing the reality. It's weird, while a part of me wishes that people had reached out to me, there is another part of me is thankful that I had the time to deal with this alone. I'm a pretty independent person and I did appreciate being along with my thoughts, as scattered as they were.

There are friends who I expected to be there for me that I feel like weren't. There are people that I never expected to stand so unconditionally by my side and did. There are some people with whom I haven't spoken since everything "went down." There are people that are still afraid to talk about it. In the beginning I felt sad about that, sad about losing friends over something so personally tragic. I'm okay with it now. I don't hate anyone and I'm not upset with anyone. This was tough for everyone involved, directly and indirectly, and I understand that it may have just been too much for some to bear. We all deal with things differently. Supported or not, I have never felt abandoned and that is what is most important.

Anyway, I've been feeling emotional lately and just wanted to get this all out. I really don't know where I'd be mentally if it weren't for this blog. So, thanks for reading!

Sisters

October 2008

What is family? Family, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is defined in many ways. Most commonly, family is known as a group of persons of common ancestry. I choose to define it using another of Mirriam-Webster's definitions: "a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation: fellowship." My family consists of my husband, my mom, and my five incredible sisters.

June 2011

Friendship is more difficult to define, as it means so many things to so many people. What makes a friend? What makes a best friend? Is there a difference? For me, friendship extends far beyond simple kindness. Friendship is an action. It's unconditional and it's forgiving. Friendship is bumpy. It's binding and, in the best of circumstances, it's forever.

December 2011

Halloween 2000

I met my sisters in 1990, 1993, summer 1999, fall 1999, and 2000. That equates to 79 years of friendship with five incredible women. (Did I mention I'm 31?) This is the story of my five sisters and how they have inspired me. Don't get me wrong, the last "79" years haven't always been easy. We've had our share of struggles. From petty fights to going years without talking, we've been through it all. What makes our story so special, at least to me, is how we always seemed to find our way back into each other's lives.

  

June 2010

I initially started this blog with the intention of telling my story with each of my sisters. How did we meet? Do we fight? What memories have we shared? How do we interact? Why has our friendship lasted so long? In writing the first of those stories, I changed my mind; it's just too difficult to document our history in a meaningful enough way. To put our extraordinary history into words wouldn't be fair. I have story upon story to tell but I prefer to keep those private and close to my heart. They are the stories that have shaped me, inspired me, frustrated me, annoyed me, and taught me about unconditional love.

We've seen each other through many good times (marriages, babies, promotions, graduations, loves) and supported each other through many struggles (losing parents and grandparents, battling cancer, family turmoil, losing babies and loved ones, heartbreaks). I have lost touch, at one point or another, with each of my sisters. Some for far too long and some for short periods of time where we just needed a break. It was never ugly. It was never hateful. It just was and that's the beauty of sisterhood. Ours is a journey traveled together and we ALWAYS find our way back. We are each other's compass.

Summer 2011

I met my sisters at different stages of my life. Some of us live pretty close to each other and others live too far away. This family stretches from Minnesota, to Florida and up to New Jersey and Philadelphia. Sometimes I get sad because there are times I want to be there for my friends but distance and money just don't allow it. Sometimes growing up just plain sucks but we make do. We know that we're never more than a phone call away (when our phones are charged and working) and that's comforting. These 5 women are always there when I need them, regardless of distance, and I hope they say the same about me. Like I said, initially this blog began as a way for me to tell the stories of these 5 friends. Instead, it'll just be my small tribute to the 5 women I'm lucky enough to call my sisters.

Summer 2009

Winter 2009

TG: I have known you for what seems like forever. From egg drop soup at 13 to lemon drops at 30, we've experienced it together. It feels like we've been to hell and back but we always manage to come through stronger. THANK YOU for giving me my beautiful godson; I treasure him. Regardless of what life throws our way, I know we'll get through it together. It is an absolute honor to call you my friend and I am thankful every day that I have you in my life.

November 2010

MC: I love you; it's as simple as that. We have so many memories and I cherish every one; it's difficult to pick one or two about which to write. From our first year together at camp to becoming co-founders of the ABBIEs, we grew a friendship that will undoubtedly last a lifetime. Thank you for being patient with me and for loving me in spite of myself. I am honored to call you my sister, and my sister wife, and cannot wait for the next 30 years!

Halloween 2009

Summer 2010

Summer 2010

AH: You inspire me. Thank you for always believing in me. There was a time when I wondered if we'd be friends again and just the thought made me sad. Forgiveness is an important part of friendship and I'm glad we learned that lesson together. Thank you for always being just as excited about my accomplishments as I am. I am lucky to have you in my corner

October 2011

LKW: I miss you every day and cannot wait for the day when we're rich enough to fly to see other whenever we want. We don't talk every day, or even ever month, but I know you're always there. I love that we can sit in a room and have a conversation without talking. I love that we are in sync enough to know what the other is thinking with just a a smile. You are one of the strongest women I know and I am inspired by you. LUMU


 VLS: I could write this entire note in "code" and you'd know exactly what I was saying. Be right back, I have to pee Ms. N. Okay, so where do I start? I love that I played country music at a pool hall before everyone told you you'd hate me. I love that my fish survived. I am happy that we didn't get arrested for stealing cars. I love that whenever I need you I just have to call 888-WDR-LOTS and I know I'll get you. Okay, in all seriousness, I love you. THANK YOU for giving me the honor of being Sara's godmother. Whenever I get sad that you're so far away, I look back at the pictures and think back to all of our memories. It gets me through. I value you and cannot wait to call you and ask if you're sitting down. PIZZA PIZZA

"The men in your life may leave you, children grow up, parents pass away. The only ones who are there for you, from cradle to grave, are your sisters." 

-Sisters

September 2008