Wednesday, April 4, 2012

In a Good Place

Well, I must be in a good place. It's not something I just have to say it's true! If you've been reading my blogs you know that my boss was pregnant, due April 6th, just four short weeks after my very own due date of March 11th. Well, baby boy had different plans. AFter 30 hours of labor (eek!) my boss gave birth to her son. He was born March 27th just before 10pm and was 21 1/2 inches long and weighed in at a health 8 lbs. 7 oz. And....he is perfect.(Well, perfect aside from the fact that they're over an hour away!)

As you may recall, watching my boss's belly grow often made me sad. Though I was thrilled for her and her wonderful husband, it was a daily reminder that my belly wouldn't be growing. I wouldn't be a mommy. We wouldn't have play-dates.  We wouldn't be on leave at the same time (like we so often joked about). We wouldn't share clothes or stories. It got easier each week and for that I'm grateful. The human heart is an amazing thing and really has unbelievable healing capabilities. By the end of her pregnancy I was just ready to meet her little man.

They were discharged from the hospital Friday so naturally by Saturday they were ready for visitors, right? Well, boss lady was nice and said we (another work friend and me) could come over for a bit. WAHOO, well....wait. It wasn't until I got into the car and started wrapping the welcome gift we bought that I got a little nervous. Would I cry? Would seeing a newborn be too much? Should I be going? Am I ready for this? They were fleeting thoughts and I didn't mention them to my friend (who was driving.) I really wanted to see my boss and meet that beautiful baby boy. I decided I would work through any emotions and just "power forward." (Which is the advice I always give to my students.) I also knew that if I did cry or get emotional, everyone would understand. Like I said, she and her husband are wonderful people.

So, we got to the house and baby was asleep on his Daddy. TOO PRECIOUS! As soon as my boss said, "you can hold him" I scooped that little boy up and totally hogged him. He was the tiniest, sweetest, most perfectly wonderful little boy. I smiled so bright and fell in love immediately.

I didn't shed a tear. My heart didn't ache for what I lost. Instead, I was filled with so much love and happiness that I got a bit confused. Shouldn't this make me sad? Shouldn't it make me angry and resentful? Shouldn't I be thinking why not me? The answer to all of these questions is an absolute NO! I shouldn't be sad. I shouldn't be angry or resentful. I shouldn't be asking why me. I have worked really hard over the last 6 months to come to terms and explain away what happened to us. I have spent hours reading blogs, writing blogs, reading articles and talking to other families who have been faced with difficult decisions. All of it has helped heal me. YOU have helped heal me, so thank you for reading and being my support. I never found the answer to explain why but I did find out how much we are loved. That makes it okay that I don't know why.

I truly am in a good place and cannot wait to see what our future holds. (No, we're not trying to get preggers right now. That would be a December baby and that's a no no in this family!) I feel blessed to have had such a strong and loving support system through all of this. Everyone told me how strong I was but it was really your strength that was carrying me. I do believe that this all happened for a reason and I used to want to know why. Now, I'm okay not knowing. I do know that my experience has ignited a passion inside me and I will fight to the death to keep women's rights where they belong....WITH THE WOMAN.

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