As we approach our due date, March 11th, the roller coaster of emotions I felt back in September are flooding back. While I have accepted what happened and have grown from the experience it doesn't make it "easy." Everyone says "time heals all wounds" but I don't think that's necessarily true. With this experience, time does nothing but remind us where we could've been...2 weeks away from being Mommy and Daddy. (Yesterday would've marked the start of my 38th week.)
The day before my surgery, my husband and I had a talk about the emotions we felt as related to the situation we were facing. I was numb. I really couldn't function and did nothing but think and cry. My husband, on the other hand, was functional. He worked. He scheduled our appointments. He ate. He laughed. He comforted. He stayed strong. We had a discussion on September 8th about the difference in emotion between his coping and mine. While we were both devastated, I explained to him that, as a woman, my pain was a different pain. I do not believe I was more hurt or more saddened by the news but I do believe the pain was more personal. I felt like my body had failed me (though we do not know if it was the sperm or the egg that caused the triploidy) and felt that I was a failure at the one thing nature says I'm supposed to be able to do...carry a healthy baby. I explained that he would not enter the hospital pregnant and leave not pregnant and told him about the emotions and fears related to that side of it. I reminded him that while this was happening to "us" it was physically only happening to me. He understood. Yesterday we had a similar discussion.
Every year we take our godson to the circus. It's wonderful and we always have a blast (minus yesterday when a gentleman behind me fell and poured 4 large sodas on me.) Our godson spent the night on Saturday and had a wonderful time. We did crafts and played and watched movies. He helped me do laundry and feed the dog. By the time my husband came home from work our almost 5-year-old nephew was asleep on the couch. We woke up Sunday morning and took him to the circus and then spent the afternoon with our godson and his parents at their NJ home. On our way home, my husband looked at me and said "I'm excited to have a baby again. That was healing for my soul." I asked what he meant and he told me that watching our godson asleep on our couch just reminded him of what he wants. He said it was a healing visit and that he's excited to start again. That prompted, what else, tears. I started to cry as I thought about how far along I'd be and what a wonderful dad my husband will make. He didn't understand why I was crying and told me "I've come to terms with what happened."
"I have too" I told him.
I then reminded him how different the pain is for me...not harder....but different. We had the same conversation in the car that we had sitting in McDonalds the day before my surgery. I too have come to terms with what happened, but I'm having a hard time right now as March 11th seems to be etched onto everything my eye sees or mind interprets. It's in every thought and I refuse to ignore it. Confronting my emotion is healthy and is the only way I'll get through this (oh, and blogging of course.)
I cry A LOT....maybe even more than I had been immediately after my surgery. I think I'm able to cry more now because I'm not numb anymore. I get it now. I've processed the pain and worked through the emotion, which makes my reactions now more intense. I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat but I know this too shall pass. I'll get sad around milestones, what would be our due date, my first mother's day, hubby's first father's day and probably at random points every year until I die. It comes with the territory of being a family who has lost a baby. We'll continue to have open discussions, to lean on each other and to love through the pain. We'll continue to confront our pain and we'll do it together. It's hard now but I know someday our talks will focus more around our precious baby than our precious angel. That gets me through the hard days.
Side note: This ultrasound bill in PA that is going to force women to take ultrasound pictures with them after an appointment before an abortion is disgusting. The fact that the bill mandates that technicians point the monitor toward the woman is appalling. I am thankful EVERY DAY that I did not see my precious baby the day before our surgery. I am thankful EVERY DAY that I had the RIGHT to choose what was best for me, my family AND my baby.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
No Turning Back Now
This blog began as my way of dealing with my emotions. After we had to terminate the pregnancy I was feeling way out of control. I was feeling every emotion you could possibly imagine. I was helpless, confused, resentful, hopeless, ashamed, angry, sad, indifferent, surprised, raging, panicky, jealous, hateful and happy (yes, at times.) My period of emotional healing is still going on but I'm better able to cope now. I've come to terms with what happened and have accepted that this was the hand we were dealt. We played it the best way WE could and I am confident in our decision. I have no regrets and believe this happened to me so that I could help other women going through this terrible pain.
In sharing my story, at first only with friends, I learned that many of my loved ones had experienced a similar loss. One friend even shared that she discovered her first baby had the same disorder as our angel, full triploidy. (She now has a beautiful happy and healthy baby boy.) One friend shared that she had 7 rounds of IVF before giving birth to her beautiful son but had suffered through a miscarriage. Can you imagine? I was in shock. The doctors give you the statistics that 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it's not a real statistic until it impacts you or those you love. Aside from shock, I was thankful. I was thankful that these amazing women felt comfortable enough to share with me. The women I mentioned both now have beautiful baby boys. Their stories gave me hope that someday I too may realize my dream of becoming a mommy. When we first lost the baby the thought of ever having another child, or even thinking of having another child, was the furthest thing from my mind. NO WAY was I going to go through this again. Now, having accepted and embraced my experience, I am excited at the thought of peeing on a stick sometime soon to discover two lines.
As my healing continued, I began to share my story more publicly. I joined a Facebook support group and then a few more. I shared my story and my blog. I have received such amazing feedback and such phenomenal support that I want to take my story "on the road." I have heard from way too women about how they've been made to feel shame about having to make such a difficult decision. Plain and simple, that is wrong. No woman should have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of losing a baby in addition to feeling ashamed or wrong. It's proof of gross ignorance. I have been involved in many pro-choice vs. pro-life online debates and have tried to give my point of view, as based on my personal experience. Many pro-lifers (not all) simply argue that abortion is wrong and women should just use birth control or should just put the baby up for adoption. It's not always that simple and who are you to judge anyone for a personal decision that does not impact you at all? It's not fair. What gives you the right to push shame on another person?
I've been called baby killer, evil, devil, monster and every other name you can imagine. At first it hurt...because I was feeling like all of those things. I felt like a monster. I felt wrong. I felt evil. Now, I feel confident. I feel proud. I am thankful to live in a country that affords me the opportunity, and gives me the right, to make decisions about my reproductive health. I am honored to have the freedom to share my story with the hopes of reaching out to women are feeling everything I felt, and maybe more. I am appreciative of everyone who is willing to listen and am so genuinely thankful for your unconditional support. You are my strength.
So, why is this post titled "No Turning Back Now"? I have now made my story public. I have contacted someone who has the power to take this "fight" public. You have all told me how strong I am. Five months ago I thought you were crazy. Today, I know you're right. Maybe this hand was dealt to me because a higher power knows I have the support, love and confidence to get through it. I want to share that with as many women as I can. If that means telling my story in a public arena, so be it. I'm on a mission and hope that you'll join me along the way.
In sharing my story, at first only with friends, I learned that many of my loved ones had experienced a similar loss. One friend even shared that she discovered her first baby had the same disorder as our angel, full triploidy. (She now has a beautiful happy and healthy baby boy.) One friend shared that she had 7 rounds of IVF before giving birth to her beautiful son but had suffered through a miscarriage. Can you imagine? I was in shock. The doctors give you the statistics that 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it's not a real statistic until it impacts you or those you love. Aside from shock, I was thankful. I was thankful that these amazing women felt comfortable enough to share with me. The women I mentioned both now have beautiful baby boys. Their stories gave me hope that someday I too may realize my dream of becoming a mommy. When we first lost the baby the thought of ever having another child, or even thinking of having another child, was the furthest thing from my mind. NO WAY was I going to go through this again. Now, having accepted and embraced my experience, I am excited at the thought of peeing on a stick sometime soon to discover two lines.
As my healing continued, I began to share my story more publicly. I joined a Facebook support group and then a few more. I shared my story and my blog. I have received such amazing feedback and such phenomenal support that I want to take my story "on the road." I have heard from way too women about how they've been made to feel shame about having to make such a difficult decision. Plain and simple, that is wrong. No woman should have to deal with the emotional roller coaster of losing a baby in addition to feeling ashamed or wrong. It's proof of gross ignorance. I have been involved in many pro-choice vs. pro-life online debates and have tried to give my point of view, as based on my personal experience. Many pro-lifers (not all) simply argue that abortion is wrong and women should just use birth control or should just put the baby up for adoption. It's not always that simple and who are you to judge anyone for a personal decision that does not impact you at all? It's not fair. What gives you the right to push shame on another person?
I've been called baby killer, evil, devil, monster and every other name you can imagine. At first it hurt...because I was feeling like all of those things. I felt like a monster. I felt wrong. I felt evil. Now, I feel confident. I feel proud. I am thankful to live in a country that affords me the opportunity, and gives me the right, to make decisions about my reproductive health. I am honored to have the freedom to share my story with the hopes of reaching out to women are feeling everything I felt, and maybe more. I am appreciative of everyone who is willing to listen and am so genuinely thankful for your unconditional support. You are my strength.
So, why is this post titled "No Turning Back Now"? I have now made my story public. I have contacted someone who has the power to take this "fight" public. You have all told me how strong I am. Five months ago I thought you were crazy. Today, I know you're right. Maybe this hand was dealt to me because a higher power knows I have the support, love and confidence to get through it. I want to share that with as many women as I can. If that means telling my story in a public arena, so be it. I'm on a mission and hope that you'll join me along the way.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
for ALL of your words of encouragement, hugs of compassion and notes of inspiration.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
What's Love Got to do with It???
Happy Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day has been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. I just love the idea behind taking one day out of 365 to focus on the people who mean the most to you. Some of you are already rolling your eyes (yes, I can see you) and are probably saying something like, "you shouldn't just show love one day a year." To you, I say stop rolling your eyes, I agree with you...to a point.
So many people make fun of Valentine's Day. You'll hear people (usually single people) say, " it's a Hallmark holiday and its too commercial. It's just a way to guilt people into buying stuff they don't need to prove to someone that they love them." Now I'm rolling my eyes because you're wrong. Valentine's Day is so much more than a chocolate heart and a greeting card.
Life is busy, no question about it. We go through a 40 hour work week (on average) to get to the weekend that seems to last a total of 10 hours. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life and forget what's most important. It's easy to come home from work and just want to veg out in front of a computer or TV. Those of you with kids know how easy it is to come home, kiss your partner hello and then focus on family time with games, baths, dinner and homework. After all of that comes the clean up and the preparation for tomorrow, packing lunches, cleaning up and finally giving yourself a rest. Once the kids are in bed, it's time to just chill. It's okay to take time for you, even if it means putting yourself before the one you love. It doesn't make you a bad partner or person, it makes you human. And this is why days like Valentine's Day are so important.
To me, Valentine's Day isn't about the sweetest card or the most expensive piece of jewelry. It's about that one day, early in the year, to make you stop and remember those you love. It's about taking day in February to focus your attention on the person that keeps you smiling through the rough times, laughing through the good times and loving through all of the times. Valentine's Day is about taking a moment to reflect on the who and the what in your life make you the happiest. It's a day to give instead of receive.
Today, coming home from work, I saw so many men and women with flowers, balloons and gifts. It was a sweet scene as I imagined these people going home to their families and smiling, laughing and loving. My hope for each of those people, and for you, is that today simply acts as a reminder that there is no wrong day to show your love. Does it mean that today is the only day you should shower your partner, your friends and your family with love? Absolutely not. In fact, it meant more to me three weeks ago when my hubby came home with a Skor bar, just because, than it did to go out to dinner last night. I would be your partner would say the same...it's the little things, the random things, that bring the biggest smiles.
Use today to remember how special you felt when your partner said that extra I love you, whether today or three months ago. Reflect on the warmth you felt when you got that homemade gift from your kid, whether today or 6 months ago. Acknowledge the effort your partner made in preparing your favorite meal or planning your perfect date, whether today or six week ago. Thank your parents or friends or babysitter for giving you "the night off" so you could be a couple instead of parents, whether tonight or last year. I challenge you to celebrate your love day in/day out and year in/year out.
Valentine's Day has been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. I just love the idea behind taking one day out of 365 to focus on the people who mean the most to you. Some of you are already rolling your eyes (yes, I can see you) and are probably saying something like, "you shouldn't just show love one day a year." To you, I say stop rolling your eyes, I agree with you...to a point.
So many people make fun of Valentine's Day. You'll hear people (usually single people) say, " it's a Hallmark holiday and its too commercial. It's just a way to guilt people into buying stuff they don't need to prove to someone that they love them." Now I'm rolling my eyes because you're wrong. Valentine's Day is so much more than a chocolate heart and a greeting card.
Life is busy, no question about it. We go through a 40 hour work week (on average) to get to the weekend that seems to last a total of 10 hours. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life and forget what's most important. It's easy to come home from work and just want to veg out in front of a computer or TV. Those of you with kids know how easy it is to come home, kiss your partner hello and then focus on family time with games, baths, dinner and homework. After all of that comes the clean up and the preparation for tomorrow, packing lunches, cleaning up and finally giving yourself a rest. Once the kids are in bed, it's time to just chill. It's okay to take time for you, even if it means putting yourself before the one you love. It doesn't make you a bad partner or person, it makes you human. And this is why days like Valentine's Day are so important.
To me, Valentine's Day isn't about the sweetest card or the most expensive piece of jewelry. It's about that one day, early in the year, to make you stop and remember those you love. It's about taking day in February to focus your attention on the person that keeps you smiling through the rough times, laughing through the good times and loving through all of the times. Valentine's Day is about taking a moment to reflect on the who and the what in your life make you the happiest. It's a day to give instead of receive.
Today, coming home from work, I saw so many men and women with flowers, balloons and gifts. It was a sweet scene as I imagined these people going home to their families and smiling, laughing and loving. My hope for each of those people, and for you, is that today simply acts as a reminder that there is no wrong day to show your love. Does it mean that today is the only day you should shower your partner, your friends and your family with love? Absolutely not. In fact, it meant more to me three weeks ago when my hubby came home with a Skor bar, just because, than it did to go out to dinner last night. I would be your partner would say the same...it's the little things, the random things, that bring the biggest smiles.
Use today to remember how special you felt when your partner said that extra I love you, whether today or three months ago. Reflect on the warmth you felt when you got that homemade gift from your kid, whether today or 6 months ago. Acknowledge the effort your partner made in preparing your favorite meal or planning your perfect date, whether today or six week ago. Thank your parents or friends or babysitter for giving you "the night off" so you could be a couple instead of parents, whether tonight or last year. I challenge you to celebrate your love day in/day out and year in/year out.
Valentine's Day is about sharing love...not sharing gifts.
Hallmark only wins if you let them.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Marking A Milestone
My boss is exactly four weeks behind where I would be if I were still pregnant. (She is due April 6th and I was due March 11th.) It was so exciting to think that we'd be going through this journey together as we welcomed our first babies just weeks apart. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be for me. Thankfully, she has had a wonderful pregnancy (though not always smooth and easy) and is feeling great. Baby boy is growing and thriving and I love hearing her updates after her weekly appointments. As I said in an earlier blog, I love my boss. She is wonderful, not just as a boss but also as a friend. She and her husband are going to be wonderful parents and I'm genuinely thrilled for their happy addition to arrive.
Today at work, we threw her baby shower. When we first floated the idea, I was nervous. Would I be able to do it knowing by now I would've had mine? I didn't know but I knew I had to try; she deserves it. I've grown more comfortable with her growing belly and have finally stopped staring at it with jealousy. (Which she kindly never let me know she noticed.) The party started off well...we ate and ate and ate. Following the food, it was time for her to open her gifts. Uh oh. I could feel my emotions starting to build so I decided to put myself to work. I didn't want to run away and I knew if I assigned myself photographer I'd have to stick it through.
She began opening her gifts and I was doing okay. If you know me, you know I LOVE Elmo. (I used to collect all things Elmo.) Well, the 2nd gift she opened was an adorable little Elmo robe with booties. TOO CUTE! I was a little jealous but not in a sad way! I was proud; I was making it through my first baby shower experience since losing my baby. She kept opening and she got really wonderful things. There was only one time I teared up and I was able to keep it unnoticeable and completely under control. She was opening clothes and held up a onesie that said Daddy's Rock Star. I started to think about my husband and how much he was looking forward to being a dad. I knew he'd be thrilled to see his baby wearing that onesie as he's very into music. (He plays guitar and would love a to play to his own Daddy's Rock Star.) I caught myself starting to space out and my mind immediately filled with thoughts of our loss. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and powered through it.
I know it may seem silly to blog about this or to call it a milestone. That's okay. I feel wonderful and am really proud. I feel like today I took a major step toward getting back to a greater normalcy. Every day I make small amounts of progress. Though I will never forget our experience or our first baby, I am anxious to get back to "normal," whatever our new normal may be.
Today made me happy. I am happy that I got through it with a smile. I am happy that I could share in her special day. I am happy that I know she'll be there for me, in the same way, whenever my time comes.
I cannot wait to meet her baby boy and hold him and spoil him. Congrats JRoc.
Today at work, we threw her baby shower. When we first floated the idea, I was nervous. Would I be able to do it knowing by now I would've had mine? I didn't know but I knew I had to try; she deserves it. I've grown more comfortable with her growing belly and have finally stopped staring at it with jealousy. (Which she kindly never let me know she noticed.) The party started off well...we ate and ate and ate. Following the food, it was time for her to open her gifts. Uh oh. I could feel my emotions starting to build so I decided to put myself to work. I didn't want to run away and I knew if I assigned myself photographer I'd have to stick it through.
She began opening her gifts and I was doing okay. If you know me, you know I LOVE Elmo. (I used to collect all things Elmo.) Well, the 2nd gift she opened was an adorable little Elmo robe with booties. TOO CUTE! I was a little jealous but not in a sad way! I was proud; I was making it through my first baby shower experience since losing my baby. She kept opening and she got really wonderful things. There was only one time I teared up and I was able to keep it unnoticeable and completely under control. She was opening clothes and held up a onesie that said Daddy's Rock Star. I started to think about my husband and how much he was looking forward to being a dad. I knew he'd be thrilled to see his baby wearing that onesie as he's very into music. (He plays guitar and would love a to play to his own Daddy's Rock Star.) I caught myself starting to space out and my mind immediately filled with thoughts of our loss. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and powered through it.
I know it may seem silly to blog about this or to call it a milestone. That's okay. I feel wonderful and am really proud. I feel like today I took a major step toward getting back to a greater normalcy. Every day I make small amounts of progress. Though I will never forget our experience or our first baby, I am anxious to get back to "normal," whatever our new normal may be.
Today made me happy. I am happy that I got through it with a smile. I am happy that I could share in her special day. I am happy that I know she'll be there for me, in the same way, whenever my time comes.
I cannot wait to meet her baby boy and hold him and spoil him. Congrats JRoc.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sisters
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| October 2008 |
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| June 2011 |
Friendship is more difficult to define, as it means so many things to so many people. What makes a friend? What makes a best friend? Is there a difference? For me, friendship extends far beyond simple kindness. Friendship is an action. It's unconditional and it's forgiving. Friendship is bumpy. It's binding and, in the best of circumstances, it's forever.
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| December 2011 |
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| Halloween 2000 |
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| June 2010 |
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| Summer 2011 |
I met my sisters at different stages of my life. Some of us live pretty close to each other and others live too far away. This family stretches from Minnesota, to Florida and up to New Jersey and Philadelphia. Sometimes I get sad because there are times I want to be there for my friends but distance and money just don't allow it. Sometimes growing up just plain sucks but we make do. We know that we're never more than a phone call away (when our phones are charged and working) and that's comforting. These 5 women are always there when I need them, regardless of distance, and I hope they say the same about me. Like I said, initially this blog began as a way for me to tell the stories of these 5 friends. Instead, it'll just be my small tribute to the 5 women I'm lucky enough to call my sisters.
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| Summer 2009 |
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| Winter 2009 |
TG: I have known you for what seems like forever. From egg drop soup at 13 to lemon drops at 30, we've experienced it together. It feels like we've been to hell and back but we always manage to come through stronger. THANK YOU for giving me my beautiful godson; I treasure him. Regardless of what life throws our way, I know we'll get through it together. It is an absolute honor to call you my friend and I am thankful every day that I have you in my life.
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| November 2010 |
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| Halloween 2009 |
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| Summer 2010 |
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| Summer 2010 |
AH: You inspire me. Thank you for always believing in me. There was a time when I wondered if we'd be friends again and just the thought made me sad. Forgiveness is an important part of friendship and I'm glad we learned that lesson together. Thank you for always being just as excited about my accomplishments as I am. I am lucky to have you in my corner
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| October 2011 |
VLS: I could write this entire note in "code" and you'd know exactly what I was saying. Be right back, I have to pee Ms. N. Okay, so where do I start? I love that I played country music at a pool hall before everyone told you you'd hate me. I love that my fish survived. I am happy that we didn't get arrested for stealing cars. I love that whenever I need you I just have to call 888-WDR-LOTS and I know I'll get you. Okay, in all seriousness, I love you. THANK YOU for giving me the honor of being Sara's godmother. Whenever I get sad that you're so far away, I look back at the pictures and think back to all of our memories. It gets me through. I value you and cannot wait to call you and ask if you're sitting down. PIZZA PIZZA"The men in your life may leave you, children grow up, parents pass away. The only ones who are there for you, from cradle to grave, are your sisters."
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| September 2008 |
Saturday, January 21, 2012
WE ARE....duped
I didn't go to Penn State but I spent an awful lot of time there. I went to Lock Haven and spent many weekends with friends at Penn State. After college, my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved to State College and spent 4+ years immersed in the passionate familial culture that is Happy Valley. Needless to say, I was devestated to learn the details of the Penn State scandal. Not only was I disgusted at the allegations made against Jerry Sandusky, but I was equally disgusted at how the scandal was handled, both by Penn State's board and the national media. I won't go into too much detail about why I disagree with Paterno's firing, nor will I put anyone on blast. Instead, I just want to reiterate how important it is to make sure you trust the right sources for your information. If tonight's gross negligence doesn't put doubt into your mind about the information you think you know about the scandal, you're probably someone that just can't admit when he's wrong.
Tonight, Onward State mistakenly reported that JoePa had lost his battle with lung cancer. The story was picked up by media outlets from Huffington Post to People magazine to CBSSports. Everyone was reporting that he had passed. Facebook exploded with tributes to JoePa as his Penn State family began mourning this extraordinary loss. Within about twenty minutes, people started disputing the "fact" that he had died. It wasn't until I switched to a 2nd social media site, Twitter, that I saw a confirmed report, from a reliable source, that JoePa had not died. His son Jay tweeted that his dad was continuing his fight. WHAT? How could a "confirmed" story be false? Oh, maybe it wasn't confirmed! Onward State claimed to have documents to confirm the report that JoePa had passed. Onward State was cited as the confirmed source for People, Huffington Post and CBSSports.
Minutes ago the managing editor of Ownard State stepped down with a formal letter to the public. People are saying it's too dramatic and that he should not step down. Are you serious? This person is responsible for this report going viral based on unconfirmed rumors that were reported to be confirmed. That is an inexcusable breach of ethics in reporting and stepping down is the only right thing to do. You get kudos for doing the right thing, not sympathy for stepping down.
Hopefully this teaches our media outlets a lesson: Getting it first should NEVER trump getting it right. Sadly, I bet it won't.
Thank you, Jay for letting your dad's fans know what was really going on. On behalf of every media source reporting half truths and unconfirmed "truths" throughout this entire tragedy, I apologize to you and your family. Your family, and specifically your dad, continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. WE ARE...
Tonight, Onward State mistakenly reported that JoePa had lost his battle with lung cancer. The story was picked up by media outlets from Huffington Post to People magazine to CBSSports. Everyone was reporting that he had passed. Facebook exploded with tributes to JoePa as his Penn State family began mourning this extraordinary loss. Within about twenty minutes, people started disputing the "fact" that he had died. It wasn't until I switched to a 2nd social media site, Twitter, that I saw a confirmed report, from a reliable source, that JoePa had not died. His son Jay tweeted that his dad was continuing his fight. WHAT? How could a "confirmed" story be false? Oh, maybe it wasn't confirmed! Onward State claimed to have documents to confirm the report that JoePa had passed. Onward State was cited as the confirmed source for People, Huffington Post and CBSSports.
Minutes ago the managing editor of Ownard State stepped down with a formal letter to the public. People are saying it's too dramatic and that he should not step down. Are you serious? This person is responsible for this report going viral based on unconfirmed rumors that were reported to be confirmed. That is an inexcusable breach of ethics in reporting and stepping down is the only right thing to do. You get kudos for doing the right thing, not sympathy for stepping down.
Hopefully this teaches our media outlets a lesson: Getting it first should NEVER trump getting it right. Sadly, I bet it won't.
Thank you, Jay for letting your dad's fans know what was really going on. On behalf of every media source reporting half truths and unconfirmed "truths" throughout this entire tragedy, I apologize to you and your family. Your family, and specifically your dad, continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. WE ARE...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Can't Escape It
It's like you just can't escape it. It's in your head. It's in your community. It's on bumper stickers on cars that almost always wind up in front of you. It's on friends' political Facebook status messages. It's on your television.
Thursday, September 22, 2011. I was feeling quite anxious about returning to work the following day. We received our devastating diagnosis on September 2nd. From that day forward I kept myself pretty secluded from the outside world. The husband had to work that night so I asked my mom to come over; I was pretty nervous about returning to some sense of "normalcy" and wanted company. Last season I got my mom hooked on Grey's Anatomy and I was excited that the new season was starting. I had completely forgotten how season 7 ended and was looking forward to the new season....until I remembered Cristina was pregnant and wanted an abortion.
The show was pretty uneventful. It was difficult to watch Cristina and her husband Owen argue over whether or not to keep the baby. (Yes, I know it's just a show but this situation was all too real. And all too raw.) Owen tried to convince Cristina she'd be a great mom and should keep the baby. She wasn't having it. She didn't want the baby. WHAT? How could you? Don't you know how lucky you are? I would give anything in the world to be pregnant right now and you're just getting ready to throw it away. And then she did...she had an abortion....by choice. I absolutely LOST it and was so happy to have my mom holding me. It was too new. I had been forced to make the decision and it was the most difficult decision I had ever (and hopefully will ever) make. (Note: I was not forced by a medical professional or my family. I felt forced by the diagnosis. It was 100% my husband's and my decision alone.) I just cried and cried and cried as I watched this TV character throw away the dream I had lost.
Tonight I watched last night's episode. Mistake. They haven't really revisited the abortion storyline since the opening episode. Tonight, Owen blew up at Cristina and the episode ended with him yelling "You killed our baby." Again, the tears flowed. I was taken back to September 2nd, the day my husband and I were forced to have to have a discussion about terminating our pregnancy. Instead of planning paint colors, room decor and picking out names, we were discussing our options and deciding which path to take toward the inevitable....losing our baby. Thank you Grey's for bringing this subject to prime-time TV. It's about time people start having real discussions about it. While my situation was very different than the one portrayed on TV, my situation has reinforced my belief that every woman has the RIGHT to choose. I just hope that every woman remembers that with this right comes a great responsibility and abortion is not and never will be an appropriate method of birth control.
A few days after I returned to work I wound up behind a mini van TWICE in one day while driving around my neighborhood. The bumper sticker staring back at me at every red light was "Smile: your mom chose life." More tears. (I wind up behind this mini van at least once a month. Awesome, huh?) This is in addition to the ones that now jump out at me from cars in parking lots every where I go. These include but are not limited to:
What makes it so tough is that many of the people that think they're pro-life are only pro-life when people are aborting for birth control. I have friends that are pro-life that have told me that they support my decision to terminate. I just don't understand how you can pick and choose when to be pro-choice and when to be pro-life. I try not to get into it, because it's everyone's right to believe what they want, and I truly do appreciate their support, but it's tough to feel like their support is genuine when they post on Facebook about pro-life this and pro-life that. It's tough to not say to them, as they're telling me they support my decision: "But don't you think I'm a murderer? My baby's heart was beating before I went into the operating room and was not beating when I left it." I wonder what they'd say if I put it out there like that.
Whether I like to admit it, whether I use the "softer" vocabulary words, or whether I justify my decision until the day that I die, the fact is... I chose abortion. My choice to terminate my pregnancy was, and always will be, a medically induced abortion. It took me a really long time to come to terms with that but I'm there and it feels good.
Thursday, September 22, 2011. I was feeling quite anxious about returning to work the following day. We received our devastating diagnosis on September 2nd. From that day forward I kept myself pretty secluded from the outside world. The husband had to work that night so I asked my mom to come over; I was pretty nervous about returning to some sense of "normalcy" and wanted company. Last season I got my mom hooked on Grey's Anatomy and I was excited that the new season was starting. I had completely forgotten how season 7 ended and was looking forward to the new season....until I remembered Cristina was pregnant and wanted an abortion.
The show was pretty uneventful. It was difficult to watch Cristina and her husband Owen argue over whether or not to keep the baby. (Yes, I know it's just a show but this situation was all too real. And all too raw.) Owen tried to convince Cristina she'd be a great mom and should keep the baby. She wasn't having it. She didn't want the baby. WHAT? How could you? Don't you know how lucky you are? I would give anything in the world to be pregnant right now and you're just getting ready to throw it away. And then she did...she had an abortion....by choice. I absolutely LOST it and was so happy to have my mom holding me. It was too new. I had been forced to make the decision and it was the most difficult decision I had ever (and hopefully will ever) make. (Note: I was not forced by a medical professional or my family. I felt forced by the diagnosis. It was 100% my husband's and my decision alone.) I just cried and cried and cried as I watched this TV character throw away the dream I had lost.
Tonight I watched last night's episode. Mistake. They haven't really revisited the abortion storyline since the opening episode. Tonight, Owen blew up at Cristina and the episode ended with him yelling "You killed our baby." Again, the tears flowed. I was taken back to September 2nd, the day my husband and I were forced to have to have a discussion about terminating our pregnancy. Instead of planning paint colors, room decor and picking out names, we were discussing our options and deciding which path to take toward the inevitable....losing our baby. Thank you Grey's for bringing this subject to prime-time TV. It's about time people start having real discussions about it. While my situation was very different than the one portrayed on TV, my situation has reinforced my belief that every woman has the RIGHT to choose. I just hope that every woman remembers that with this right comes a great responsibility and abortion is not and never will be an appropriate method of birth control.
A few days after I returned to work I wound up behind a mini van TWICE in one day while driving around my neighborhood. The bumper sticker staring back at me at every red light was "Smile: your mom chose life." More tears. (I wind up behind this mini van at least once a month. Awesome, huh?) This is in addition to the ones that now jump out at me from cars in parking lots every where I go. These include but are not limited to:
- Abortion? If it's not a baby you're not pregnant.
- It's a child, not a choice.
- Abortion stops a beating heart.
What makes it so tough is that many of the people that think they're pro-life are only pro-life when people are aborting for birth control. I have friends that are pro-life that have told me that they support my decision to terminate. I just don't understand how you can pick and choose when to be pro-choice and when to be pro-life. I try not to get into it, because it's everyone's right to believe what they want, and I truly do appreciate their support, but it's tough to feel like their support is genuine when they post on Facebook about pro-life this and pro-life that. It's tough to not say to them, as they're telling me they support my decision: "But don't you think I'm a murderer? My baby's heart was beating before I went into the operating room and was not beating when I left it." I wonder what they'd say if I put it out there like that.
Whether I like to admit it, whether I use the "softer" vocabulary words, or whether I justify my decision until the day that I die, the fact is... I chose abortion. My choice to terminate my pregnancy was, and always will be, a medically induced abortion. It took me a really long time to come to terms with that but I'm there and it feels good.
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